Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
I've thought a lot about this the past few hours, trying to decide if I wanted a positive or negative impact, and which person I should choose, and if I choose someone who is that going to offend. That is a lot of pressure for a blog post. So I am taking the easy way out and choosing something to write about. If you know me, the object of my choice probably won't come as a surprise. So without further ado, I give you the thing that has most impacted my life . . . .
For those that don't get the picture, music. I am pretty sure music has always been a part of my life. One of my earliest memories of music is from sometime during second grade. For whatever reason, one night, I was allowed to sleep in the family room, and in the morning, I was woken up by someone, probably Dad, blasting "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen on the stereo. What a way to wake up.
I remember music classes in elementary school, they were mostly singing, but in first grade I learned to play violin, but I didn't play the whole year. I remember being kind of good. I am not sure if I actually was or not. Then I was in the school choir in fourth and fifth grade. In sixth grade, I played the flute, I sucked, but mostly because I never practiced. Then I just kind of experienced music for a while. I didn't really play or make any most of the time.
In high school, our church started their youth Mass, which eventually became Life Teen, so I joined that when I was a junior, and I have been singing at St Laurence ever since. The one year I was at SFA, I spent my first semester as a music major, that was hard. I had no formal training, and I couldn't really sight read, so I was lost, plus it wasn't what I really wanted to do, so I quit, but my favorite class at SFA was choir. The worst was the seminar part of our voice lessons, they called it Studio, so all of a particular voice teachers students belonged to his studio, and once a week we had to sing for them. That wasn't the worst part, the worst part was what we called Big Studio, all the vocal majors in the large music hall, and the "final" for your voice lesson was that you had to sing at least once at Big Studio. Doesn't seem like that should be a problem, but that was my most terrifying experience ever. All of those people thought they themselves were the reason singing existed, that they were God's gift to music. I am not sure I have ever felt so vulnerable or exposed, but I made it through and my voice teacher complimented me on how my singing surprised him. He was a jerk and that was my first compliment from him ever at the end of the semester. I am pretty sure he expected me to tank.
Anyway, I left SFA and started at UST, but I didn't join the choir because I really couldn't afford to spend that much money for the tuition to take the course. So I just went back to the Life Teen Group at St Laurence, which I still sang with if I happened to be in town on Sunday night. December of 2000, the "traditional" choir was going to do a concert of the Messiah, and Mary invited all the choirs to join if they wanted to. I loved the Messiah, I'd learned it the previous year, and so I went to sing it with them. I was the only one from another choir to go. I loved it, and several people in that choir asked me a few times to come sing with them. Which I did, in January 2001, so I have been in that group for 10 years.
I first realized how much music meant to me in 2006, when I was put on vocal rest for 3 months. I got sick, and then I noticed for a few weeks after that my throat was irritated, and my voice wasn't right. So I went to the doctor and he put me on 2 weeks voice rest and told me to come back. It didn't help. So I had to do more voice rest, and go to an ENT that specialized in the vocal chords. He's one of the best there is for and has treated many famous singers. So he did Microlaryngoscopy which means he stuck a camera down my throat and took a video of me singing and speaking. Turned out I had prenodes on my vocal chords, which meant more voice rest. He told me I couldn't sing for another month, and then we'd see what the next step would be.
This was when I realized how much I loved music because I would go to Mass and sit in the congregation and not be allowed to sing with everyone. I had to stop going to Life Teen Mass during that time, it was too hard not to sing, and even at the morning Mass I went to, it was hard not to sing. I realized how big a part of my worship singing was and how deprived I felt without it. I remember one Sunday after Mass, probably around Thanksgiving, I was talking (sort of, I was on voice rest) with Mary, and I started to cry because I didn't think I'd be OK to sing for Christmas.
I am realizing more and more after this, just how much music means to me. People say music is my life or music is life, but I don't think that adequately explains it.
Ok, so this isn't the blog post for my 30 day challenge, I am still stuck on that one. This is a blog post to embarrass myself. I used to write a lot of poetry, most of it was depressing because I was dealing with some stuff, and that was my outlet. Then when I was 20, I thought hey, I can write songs, so I wrote two: "The Harmony of Silence" and "I Waited." Today I share with you the latter, which would be much better if I wasn't using the crappy webcam built into my laptop, and if I actually played something and the song had some accompaniment. But we make do with what we have. I recorded just the refrain and first verse, my throat is bothering me a little today, and besides, like I said, this is embarrassing. So if you want to listen first press play, I am posting all the lyrics below . . . .
First of all, I have to crack up at the way Google spell-checker wanted to auto-correct Nanananananananana (Antananarivo, Nananne, Tananarive, and Satyanarayanan - I don't know what any of those words mean), craziness!
Anyway, on to todays challenge. Admittedly, I know very little of Superheroes, if I did know stuff I might choose someone different. But I am going with Batman, because I watched the 1989 version of Batman, with Michael Keaton, at least everyday for the better part of a year, when I was like maybe 10.
Why do I like Batman? Because Batman is just a regular dude, he doesn't really have "super" powers, he has awesome toys, but he is still really really kick ass (and usually played by hot actors, Val Kilmer, oh yeah). He wasn't bitten by a radioactive spider or have his home planet blown up. He's just a guy who experienced injustice first hand and wanted to counteract it. So I love Batman because he is a regular guy who is noble, and loves justice. Seriously qualities I can get behind. Plus you know, he could totally take you out for a night on the town in one of the vest cars ever, who doesn't want to joyride in the Batmobile?
Side note about Superman though, Clark Kent, yum! I was out one night with a friend, we were at Poison Girl, a hole in the wall hipster bar in the Montrose, and this tall guy with dark brown hair in pseudo-spikes (Edward Cullenish, messy but intentional) walked in wearing square-frame glasses, a white scarf, and a pea-coat with the collar popped, and the only words out of my mouth, to my friend of course, were "I just died and went to nerd heaven." The guy totally had a Clark Kent vibe to him, and if I was the type to ever follow through with some of my more daring thoughts and ideas, I might have gone up to him and said something like, "do you wanna be my superman." (Yeah I know, I have the market cornered on coming up with cheesy pick-up lines, and falling for them as well, but maybe, that is another blog post for another day, or maybe if the world gets lucky, later today.)
Back to your regularly scheduled blog post, you know, Batman! The first time I staffed Awakening I was a small group leader. We had to come up with a name for our group, that somehow related to the theme, We Are Called. The guy I was pared up with to lead the group for the weekend, I have know through my parish for a really long time, we more or less grew up at church together. Anyway, going over possible names, we had both thought Batman when we thought of a name immediately, so there we were. This is why I chose Batman more for those BYA9 memories than anything else. We did old school Batman though, like the Adam West version. So our group theme was sort of "Holy Rosary, Batman!" Hahaha awesome.
Was thinking about not going home tonight, and driving until I reached somewhere with no light pollution and no trees so I could look up and admire the stars. But then I would have to drive back home. I wonder sometimes, if it is really best for me to be like I am so open and caring. I remember after some failed relationship or other such thing in my life, talking to Fr. Drew about how heart broken I was, and he said I needed to expect that with all the love in my heart. I give of myself too easily, and I am starting to question if that is actually good for me, but I can't imagine being jaded and cynical would be any better. Especially since I hate myself when I feel that way. I should probably go to bed, I am sure none of this will matter in the morning. But I needed to say something . . .
ETA: Yeah so I was one, tired, and two a little tipsy when I wrote this. It's like Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.
First off, let me just say that dangling preposition up there, driving me crazy, but I merely cut and pasted that, I didn't write it. Anyway, I titled this Roman Holiday, like the movie, but it was really an Italian holiday. In June 2002, the Catholic Studies Program at UST started it's Study Abroad program, 4 weeks in Italy, I couldn't resist. Especially since I have never really traveled out of the country, Canada doesn't really count, especially since it was only Niagara Falls, it was barely going out of the country. So I spent the entire month of June in Italy, 4 days in Assisi, 4 days in Florence, and 3 weeks in Rome, sigh Roma Amor.
Now, unfortunately, I don't have a scanner, and I have very few pictures of this trip scanned, so I fif what any other nerdy girl would do, and I took pictures of my pictures, that's why they suck, but hey, it's better than nothing. So with out much more further ado, I give you not just one, but several pictures of places I've been.
This is me and a fountain in Assisi. Weird thing is this is the thinnest I have ever been, and I totally thought I was fat cause I was not a size 2.
This picture doesn't show it well, but this is the Valley below Assisi.
Rubbing St Peter's foot for a blessing. And yes, my hair was that ridiculous color, so glad that's gone.
Pretty sure that is Santa Chiarra (St Clare's)
This is me and Carlo, he was the first real Italian I met.
This is at St Francis' Hermitage.
In Pisa!
'
This is me with one of the bells at the top of the Leaning Tour of Pisa.
In Pompeii.
On the balcony of the Papal Palace, that is of course St Peter's in the background. Look at those crazy pants, they were my favorites. :)
JP2 we love your, this one the second time we saw him, and no I was not really that close, that is with a 300mm zoom lens.
St Peter's
This is the courtyard at San Damiano in Assisi, this is where St Clare lived.
Swiss Guard
This is the Porta Santa Anna, St Anne's Gate, the main entrance into the Vatican City.
So there you have it, a smattering of bad pictures of pictures from Italy. It was an awesome trip. :)
The word habit comes from the Latin word habitus which means to have something. So a habit is something you have . . . we generally speak of a habit referring to a behavior pattern, or a nun's dress. (hehe I know, I'm a total dork) A lot of things could fall under this category, the former that is, for me: procrastinating, leaving my shoes by the door, not doing the dishes, biting my nails, etc. I don't have any nun dresses, although, I once had a priest tell me that if I wanted to look like an nun, I needed to wear a 1960's pant suit, and that is so not a lie.
Most of them all relate to procrastination, which really is a habit I wish I didn't have. It's so habitual in me that it is almost a way of life. Really I think it is because I am a bad self motivator. I need the impending doom of a deadline to get things done. It's sad really, but when I look at my family, I think it's genetic. You know how last names sort of started based on what you did, like Smith because you were a blacksmith, well I am pretty sure Persch is the German word for lazyass procrastinator. Really it means rock, but what's the difference. It's like the family motto is why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, or even next week. I think this is also why I start a lot of projects, and never finish them. I am trying to do better, I need to kick this bad habit (or genetic malfunction) before I go back to school, cause I am going to have to read and write, a lot!
The smell of overripe bananas permeates the air, and my stomach lurches. I swallow hard, repressing the urge to vomit and make a conscious effort to breathe through my mouth, and the wave of nausea passes as quickly as it came. Until, I inhale through my nose, and the cycle begins again.
So this is Angela, Rebecca, Benedict, me, and Kristan at Cafe Catholica in 2008.
Wait Benedict is fake? Well that image is. We're dorks we took a picture with a cardboard cutout of the Pope.
This group here, minus the Pope, is the Handmaids. It started out as a women's small group meeting and ended up being 4 friends who shared their walk together, more of less, now I hardly see or talk to Rebecca and Kristan, but I chat with Ang pretty regularly on Facebook chat.
On Sunday, we sang this song, "The Summons" at Mass, and I love the words, but I am not thrilled with the tune, so I kind of don't like the song, but that is neither here nor there, because I m concerned with the lyrics.
It got me thinking, how often does God call us to something, and we ignore it, or say no God, after I do this or that, then I can do what you are calling me to. And, it has me wondering, is that what I am doing with my postponing applying to grad school? Ignoring a call? I mean sure I have a lot of reasons for putting it off, and there are many valid excuses, but it makes me wonder, even though I feel good about the decision. I always seem to think I know better though, like I feel tugged in this direction, but no, I want to do that and I will regardless if doing the other might be so much better for me.
I am not sure I want to answer a call, "and never be the same," except trying to avoid change is impossible for a human here on earth, we are in a constant state of change, getting older, cells dividing, dying, etc. Change is inevitable we get older every second. It's pride, I know, but it doesn't change the sentiment, thinking I know what's best for me, better than God. I get burned most of the time too, but it doesn't seem to make me want to do anything differently. I know God will never call me to something that isn't the exact perfect right fit, but still, I can't trust and follow. I am ruled by fear and cowardice.
I think about this quote a lot: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." Marianne Williamson
I am not really afraid of failing, I am scared that I am actually going to accomplish something and then what? I'll have to do something else? It's not that I am lazy, it's more that I m afraid of my potential, figuring out what I m actually capable of, it's scary. Am I alone in my fear of success, I was looking at a list of phobias, the fear of failure was there, but no fear of success, or maybe people just aren't as honest about what they are really scared of.
The Summons by John Bell 1. Will you come and follow me If I but call your name? Will you go where you don’t know And never be the same? Will you let my love be shown, Will you let my name be known, Will you let my life be grown In you and you in me? 2. Will you leave yourself behind If I but call your name? Will you care for cruel and kind And never be the same? Will you risk the hostile stare Should your life attract or scare? Will you let me answer prayer In you and you in me? 3. Will you let the blinded see If I but call your name? Will you set the pris’ners free And never be the same? Will you kiss the leper clean, And do such as this unseen, And admit to what I mean In you and you in me? 4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide If I but call your name? Will you quell the fear inside And never be the same? Will you use the faith you’ve found To reshape the world around, Through my sight and touch and sound In you and you in me? 5. Lord, your summons echoes true When you but call my name. Let me turn and follow you And never be the same. In your company I’ll go Where your love and footsteps show. Thus I’ll move and live and grow In you and you in me.
Why did I name my blog "Whisperings of a Wandering Heart?" I am not really sure. It was the subtitle of my Live Journal, Life or Something Like It. Which is the title of an Angelina Jolie movie, but I often feel like her, like I am living someone else's life or the life someone else expects from me.
Anyway, back to my blog name. Usually I blog about my feelings, as a way to deal with stuff and purge, and feelings are the language of he heart or soul in that classical, philosophical sense, so my blog posts are the way those whisperings of my heart are communicated. And my heart is wandering because life is a journey. We seek and move our way through it. Also the name is somewhat poetic, and I used to write a lot of poetry.
Ok so since I am so horrible at actually blogging, I am 30 day challenging myself. :)
Here's the List: Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name Day 03- A picture of you and your friends Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to Day 06- Favorite super hero and why Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently Day 14- A picture of you and your family Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play Day 16- Another picture of yourself Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else Day 23- Something you crave for a lot Day 24- A letter to your parents Day 25- What I would find in your bag Day 26- What you think about your friends Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then? Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned Day 30- Your favorite song.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, Day One: A Recent Picture and 15 interesting (they'll be facts, I don't promise interesting) facts about yourself.
It's recent, from like 5 minutes ago. :)
I love pasta, I think I could eat it everyday.
You won't believe this if you have known me a while, but I am actually pretty shy, I don't like being in large groups with a lot of people I don't know.
I am terrified of trying things, because I am horribly afraid of success.
I wear my heart of my sleeve.
I fully believe that everyone is good, and I am really trusting, but if you lose my trust, you probably won't get it back.
I have a really good memory, especially for useless information.
I actually really do like Twilight, even though I think the books and movies are dumb, the story is told fairly well, and I have read the books multiple times and own the movies, Eclipse is by far my favorite.
I love to sing, and my neighbors probably hate me for that.
This lady in my church choir told me I had some of the prettiest voices she's ever heard, and instead of just saying thank you, I wanted to ask her if she needed her hearing checked.
I have pretty bad self-esteem.
A lot of the time I feel like people only pretend to like me to my face, but really can't stand me and wish I would disappear.
I hate myself for this, but I still love Joshua, and sometimes I do miss him, but I know I am better off without him, and I am a better person than I was 2 years ago now.
I really want to be a mother, more than just about anything else.
I want a PhD just so I can say I have one, then I could feel like I really accomplished something
I've been told that I am too honest, does any of the above collaborate that? I think so.
So this grad school application process is sort of overwhelming, and due to something I had to take care of last fall, I sort of waited to long to get started. I also missed some of the schools' deadlines. So now, I am not so much having doubts about applying in general just the timing of it. It seems to me the most prudent action at the moment is to apply to start fall of 2012, instead of this fall.
Waiting will give me time to retake the GRE and maybe actually have time to study this time. My scores were o. The low end of ok, I don't test well, but I am sure I can do better, I was really sick the whole week before I took the test and wasn't able to study like I should have. Waiting will also give the professors writing my recommendation letters time to complete them and not be rushed. It will also give me time to feel better prepared.
The only big drawbacks I see to waiting are that I'll have to do this job for longer and I'll be another year older when all is said and done.
It seems to me that waiting might be more advantageous to me. I appreciate any feed back anyone wants to offer me.
Patience is not one of my strengths or a virtue that I possess in great quantities. In fact more than once, my mother has said she should have named me Patience, so I would have some. Working retail for five years and teaching middle school for four taught me some patience, but I still don't have a lot. I am a fan of instant gratification, I am not going to lie. And I of course know, you never pray for patience because God won't just give you patience, he will provide situations where you have to exercise patence. It is far better to pray for compasson, understanding, or something along those lines.
Since I don't have much patience, I suck at waiting. And as one of my friends put it, "Waiting on God's time sucks." I have had a few times, especially in the last three or four years of waiting on God's time. Which in the long run always provides you with a much better outcome than the one I want right now! Sometimes we have to be properly groomed before we can do things, or the situation needs to be. It's complicated, you know, "His ways are not our ways," and all that jazz.
My first big experience of waiting on God's time came when I was finishing my undergraduate degree, here I was getting a degree in theology, with a strong desire to do youth ministry, and no one wanted to hire me, and I only got 2 interviews out of like 10 positions I sent my resume to, hello discouragement. About those 2 interviews, one of them, my first ever real job interview, was with a search committee. Here I am, 22, and I walk into a room of 10 people to interview me, it's madness. Take your normal job interview jitters and multiply that by like 10 million, and there you go, that was my first real job interview. Needless to say, I did not get that job, which really, is just as well because I realized shortly after that, that I did not want to do youth ministry, I wanted to teach religion, so with no job prospects, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might want to teach at the college level some day, I decided to stay at Walgreens and just go back to school. So that fall, in 2003, I started the MLA program at UST, and as the second year of that program came closer to its end I realized I was once again in need of a real job or career, so I applied and interviewed with several schools to teach. Once again, no luck. This time I interviewed with 4 or 5 principals and one thing was a constant strike against me, I had no teaching experience.
Frustrated beyond belief, I continued working at Walgreens, and was no longer in school. It was weird, and I had a lot of free time, so I watched a lot of food network and started cooking a lot, but that my friends, is what we call, another story for another day.
So here I am, 2 degrees and theology, super gung ho to go out and teach the masses about Jesus and stuff, and no one wants to hire me to do any sort of ministry. Needless to say I got depressed and discouraged and wondered, "What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?"
So I started thinking about grad school, again. I did the MLA program at UST to beef up my not so great GPA from undergrad, and I was successful, I graduated with just under a 3.8 (go me), which would have been higher if I didn't take the stupid Proust and Shakespear classes. Anyway, I needed to beef up my GPA because I had a goal, I wanted and MTS from Notre Dame, but I was pretty sure ND would laugh at my undergrad transcript and that would be that. So I did the MLA at UST and kicked its ass, more or less. So fall of 2005 rolls around, and I am still running film, and not doing any sort of school, and bored, and partying a little too hard. So I buy some GRE prep books because that test terrified me, and I started studying the zillions of vocabulary words in the book, trying to plan a time to take the test, and apply to Notre Dame.
The beginning of November rolls around, and I get a phone call from the CCE coordinator or something like that of the diocese. She tells me that a friend of my family gave her my name when she asked if he knew anyone looking for a job teaching religion. I was just in total shock when that phone call came in. Of course I told her I was interested, and an hour later, the principal called me, and asked when I would be available to meet with him and see the school. I met with him 2 days later, he chatted with me a bit, walked around the campus with me, and I left with a job, I was in shock, happy shock, but shock, nonetheless. So grad school once again went off my immediate radar, but it was still there lurking in the back of my mind.
After four years of middle school, I realized that while I loved teaching, I didn't like the other stuff you have to deal with as a middle school teacher. So I left the job, and then went off to find whatever job I could get while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, and now everything seems to be falling into place so that grad school is where it seems my life is headed.
So now, I am working on applications and getting ready to do some waiting to see where I get accepted and where I am supposed to go.
As I wait, I am trying to make this my theme song: "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
