I often make weird comments that my close friends understand, but that others overhearing them would be confused and appalled by. A prime example is when I talk about that time I spent a romantic night with Jesus. I used to keep a holy hour at a parish adjacent to a very popular running park in Houston. Being easily distracted, most nights my holy hour consisted in me exerting a lot of effort to stay focused on prayer, ignore the constantly opening and closing door, try not to pay attention to the rambunctious toddler here and there, and a whole host of other things. One stormy evening during my holy hour, I had a beautiful experience. I was alone with my Jesus. I turned off all but one of the lamps in the chapel, and sat in adoration and had a very peaceful and yes, somewhat romantic evening with Jesus. I mean candle light, mood lighting, we were alone, what else would you call it. It was romantic, it wasn't sexual.
I think we can have romantic experiences with our friends and they're in no way sexual. I also think we can not only love our friends, but be in love with our friends without it having the slightest thing to do with sex or sexual attraction. I realized this when I fell in love with one of my best friends.* Given certain circumstances, it could never be sexual, but it doesn't change the fact that I had fallen in love with him and I still love him, even though we are now far away. The same goes with some of my female friends, the sharing of love is more that just necessarily a platonic love, if we love in Greek, that is in terms of eros, phileo, and agape, I think agape contains more of a notion of being "in love" than the other two. Eros, romantic or sexual love, does not necessitate being in love, nor does phileo, fraternal love, as shared by those with some common bond or purpose. But, agape, that perfect, unconditional love, it necessitates being "in love" with the beloved. I believe it is fair and accurate to say that God is "in love" with his creation. In my understanding, being "in love" requires a mutuality of relationship that is not necessarily included in the other two kinds of love.
Part of the reason I have come to these conclusions is my discerning a life lived under a vow of chastity, and knowing others who live that life or have promised to remain celibate, choosing to live that way in no way lessens the very human need to be communal, to share yourself with others. Just because you choose not to have sex does not mean you no longer need meaningful relationships and to love and be loved. I hear from several of my friends who happen to be priest that people forget they are human. One way we image God is in relationship, after all, God is a relationship of the three persons in the Trinity.
While expressing ourselves sexually is beautiful and important, in the appropriate context, it is not the whole of life or even the most important thing in life. More important is connecting with another person as a person in relationship, and I believe that any relationship can have elements of romance or being in love with the other without it having to have anything to do with sex.
Another thought with this related to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While he wrote the book for married couples, so they could make sure that their spouse knew they were loved, I think it is applicable to all those we love, especially our close and important friendships
In The Five Love Languages, Chapman asserts that just as we speak in a primary language, and understand, know, and learn things best in that primary language, the same if true for how we love. The five languages Chapman lists are: physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. So someone whose primary love language is acts of service isn't going to feel as loved and filled when loved in any of the other four languages like he will when someone he loves does acts of service for him. These could be just about anything washing the dishes, a trip to the grocery store, etc.
I actually have two primary love languages quality time and gifts. So when people spend time with me studying, watching TV, or doing whatever, it makes me feel really filled and loved. The same is true with gifts. They don't have to be big gifts it can be simple things like a fresh picked flower, a small bracelet, a poem, whatever, just some small token that says I saw this and I thought of you. These are the ways I feel loved.
My views on love, in general, have shifted or changed as I discern entering into a communal life of vowed chastity. When you take romantic/erotic love out of the picture of life, it changes your perception. So now, I get these my fill of love from my friends.
*Like Mindy Kaling, courtesy of the The Mindy Project, I believe "best friend" is a level of friendship. :)
I think we can have romantic experiences with our friends and they're in no way sexual. I also think we can not only love our friends, but be in love with our friends without it having the slightest thing to do with sex or sexual attraction. I realized this when I fell in love with one of my best friends.* Given certain circumstances, it could never be sexual, but it doesn't change the fact that I had fallen in love with him and I still love him, even though we are now far away. The same goes with some of my female friends, the sharing of love is more that just necessarily a platonic love, if we love in Greek, that is in terms of eros, phileo, and agape, I think agape contains more of a notion of being "in love" than the other two. Eros, romantic or sexual love, does not necessitate being in love, nor does phileo, fraternal love, as shared by those with some common bond or purpose. But, agape, that perfect, unconditional love, it necessitates being "in love" with the beloved. I believe it is fair and accurate to say that God is "in love" with his creation. In my understanding, being "in love" requires a mutuality of relationship that is not necessarily included in the other two kinds of love.
Part of the reason I have come to these conclusions is my discerning a life lived under a vow of chastity, and knowing others who live that life or have promised to remain celibate, choosing to live that way in no way lessens the very human need to be communal, to share yourself with others. Just because you choose not to have sex does not mean you no longer need meaningful relationships and to love and be loved. I hear from several of my friends who happen to be priest that people forget they are human. One way we image God is in relationship, after all, God is a relationship of the three persons in the Trinity.
While expressing ourselves sexually is beautiful and important, in the appropriate context, it is not the whole of life or even the most important thing in life. More important is connecting with another person as a person in relationship, and I believe that any relationship can have elements of romance or being in love with the other without it having to have anything to do with sex.
Another thought with this related to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While he wrote the book for married couples, so they could make sure that their spouse knew they were loved, I think it is applicable to all those we love, especially our close and important friendships
In The Five Love Languages, Chapman asserts that just as we speak in a primary language, and understand, know, and learn things best in that primary language, the same if true for how we love. The five languages Chapman lists are: physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. So someone whose primary love language is acts of service isn't going to feel as loved and filled when loved in any of the other four languages like he will when someone he loves does acts of service for him. These could be just about anything washing the dishes, a trip to the grocery store, etc.
I actually have two primary love languages quality time and gifts. So when people spend time with me studying, watching TV, or doing whatever, it makes me feel really filled and loved. The same is true with gifts. They don't have to be big gifts it can be simple things like a fresh picked flower, a small bracelet, a poem, whatever, just some small token that says I saw this and I thought of you. These are the ways I feel loved.
My views on love, in general, have shifted or changed as I discern entering into a communal life of vowed chastity. When you take romantic/erotic love out of the picture of life, it changes your perception. So now, I get these my fill of love from my friends.
*Like Mindy Kaling, courtesy of the The Mindy Project, I believe "best friend" is a level of friendship. :)
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