Often, when we say yes to this, it means we have to say no to that. Some of these choices are no big deal, like saying yes to vanilla ice cream, which means I have to say no to the chocolate, but this isn't a huge decision fundamental to myself as a person. I am thinking of one of these yeses, which if said could lead to a beautiful life, one I might think I even want. However, this yes leads to a really big no, one I am not sure I want to utter.
Since I was 19 or 20, so June of 2000 or 2001, I have felt some compulsion to religious life, at that point, very reluctantly at the insistence of Fr. Drew. I was sitting next to him the first night of the Steubenville South conference, and every time he saw a sister, he would nudge me and say that it was me, adding to this calling me Sr. Susan every time he saw me for months after until I finally insisted that he stop because it really really bothered me, and at this point the thought of being a religious sister was so insane to me, it bordered on making me physically ill. Fast forward a few months, and I am met by a professor and a guy who at the time was a good friend making jokes involving Susan and a Habit . . . around the time that this same professor joked that I had an irrational fear of nuns, which at the time was very true. So I told the professor, that the jokes about me and being a nun really bothered me because whenever I thought about it, I wanted to vomit. No lie it made me queasy and not in a good way. To which he told me that God would not call me to something that made me physically ill.
Fast forward to June of 2002, and I go on a study abroad in Italy with Sr. Miller, where in Assisi we meet and spend time with some other sisters from her order, the Franciscan Sisters of the Eucharist. After spending time with them, and becoming acquainted with religious sisters in a real way for pretty much the first time in my life, I told one of them who I felt particularly close to, that after spending time with her, that while I still had that door closed and locked, I was at least willing to touch the doorknob, but nothing much more came of that until years later.
In September 2006 I attended Bayou Awakening and after a talk about discernment, I felt that tug again, but this time in a less reluctant, more open way. And I really felt that I would spend that summer visiting orders and seeing if I wanted to join one. But I also met someone, and we started dating, and the way things go, that summer I was planning a wedding rather than researching orders. Long story short, a divorce and declaration of nullity followed, and the thought of religious life remained vanquished from my head because I felt and still somewhat do that I want nothing more out of life than to be a wife and mother. And someone asked me a few months following the divorce about religious life and I said no.
Something changed in this past year, following my break-up with someone I was with for almost 2 years and really thought I would marry, and once again this idea of religious life came back. Still reluctant to it and totally unwilling, but I opened myself up about it to a few people and met negativity from pretty much only one person, who's opinion is mostly meaningless to me anyway, but felt encouragement from several of my friends, especially 2 Jesuits in particular. But I largely put this out of my head, and went on my way, but toward the end of last semester, something changed in my heart, and I felt the call louder than before, and I struggled about whether or not to send an email to the order. I put it off for quite some time until once again, talking to Fr. Drew, I told him I was thinking about it again, and he told me that if I knew what order I had thought about it enough to see what was going on and that I should take advantage of being so close to the mother house. But I told him it was scary and that made it too real, but he said because I had it that thought out it was already pretty real.
Which leads to this past month, when I emailed the order, had a conversation with a sister on the phone, and rearranged my spring break flights so I can go visit for their vocations weekend. And when I told one of those first 2 Jesuits I mentioned that I actually talked to the order and was going to visit, he was shocked that I actually did something because I had spoken to him about it several times over the course of a year.
So I am trying to see what it is I should say yes to, trying to make the Blessed Mother's words my own: Be it done as you have said, I am the handmaid of the Lord. But it is scary and I am nervous, and I am reluctant to shut the door on the possibility of marriage and a family of my own.
So I ask for prayer that I can figure out which is the yes and which is the subsequent no.
Since I was 19 or 20, so June of 2000 or 2001, I have felt some compulsion to religious life, at that point, very reluctantly at the insistence of Fr. Drew. I was sitting next to him the first night of the Steubenville South conference, and every time he saw a sister, he would nudge me and say that it was me, adding to this calling me Sr. Susan every time he saw me for months after until I finally insisted that he stop because it really really bothered me, and at this point the thought of being a religious sister was so insane to me, it bordered on making me physically ill. Fast forward a few months, and I am met by a professor and a guy who at the time was a good friend making jokes involving Susan and a Habit . . . around the time that this same professor joked that I had an irrational fear of nuns, which at the time was very true. So I told the professor, that the jokes about me and being a nun really bothered me because whenever I thought about it, I wanted to vomit. No lie it made me queasy and not in a good way. To which he told me that God would not call me to something that made me physically ill.
Fast forward to June of 2002, and I go on a study abroad in Italy with Sr. Miller, where in Assisi we meet and spend time with some other sisters from her order, the Franciscan Sisters of the Eucharist. After spending time with them, and becoming acquainted with religious sisters in a real way for pretty much the first time in my life, I told one of them who I felt particularly close to, that after spending time with her, that while I still had that door closed and locked, I was at least willing to touch the doorknob, but nothing much more came of that until years later.
In September 2006 I attended Bayou Awakening and after a talk about discernment, I felt that tug again, but this time in a less reluctant, more open way. And I really felt that I would spend that summer visiting orders and seeing if I wanted to join one. But I also met someone, and we started dating, and the way things go, that summer I was planning a wedding rather than researching orders. Long story short, a divorce and declaration of nullity followed, and the thought of religious life remained vanquished from my head because I felt and still somewhat do that I want nothing more out of life than to be a wife and mother. And someone asked me a few months following the divorce about religious life and I said no.
Something changed in this past year, following my break-up with someone I was with for almost 2 years and really thought I would marry, and once again this idea of religious life came back. Still reluctant to it and totally unwilling, but I opened myself up about it to a few people and met negativity from pretty much only one person, who's opinion is mostly meaningless to me anyway, but felt encouragement from several of my friends, especially 2 Jesuits in particular. But I largely put this out of my head, and went on my way, but toward the end of last semester, something changed in my heart, and I felt the call louder than before, and I struggled about whether or not to send an email to the order. I put it off for quite some time until once again, talking to Fr. Drew, I told him I was thinking about it again, and he told me that if I knew what order I had thought about it enough to see what was going on and that I should take advantage of being so close to the mother house. But I told him it was scary and that made it too real, but he said because I had it that thought out it was already pretty real.
Which leads to this past month, when I emailed the order, had a conversation with a sister on the phone, and rearranged my spring break flights so I can go visit for their vocations weekend. And when I told one of those first 2 Jesuits I mentioned that I actually talked to the order and was going to visit, he was shocked that I actually did something because I had spoken to him about it several times over the course of a year.
So I am trying to see what it is I should say yes to, trying to make the Blessed Mother's words my own: Be it done as you have said, I am the handmaid of the Lord. But it is scary and I am nervous, and I am reluctant to shut the door on the possibility of marriage and a family of my own.
So I ask for prayer that I can figure out which is the yes and which is the subsequent no.
