Goodbye 2013 . . .

Well 2013, honestly you kind of sucked, or at least you started out that way.

The year began very sadly, with the ending of a relationship that was overdue to be torn apart. It makes me wonder why we cling to things that are toxic and need to be released.

I also developed some really important friendships this year, and that made things better.

I have grown to know more about who I am and the path I am taking. I've learned to accept myself more as I am, and attempted to change somethings that need changing. I've grown in my revulsion against social injustice, and I am inspired by where to start to make change, but this in itself is problematic for me because I have a fixer complex.

And my heart has grown, even after having been broken (again), it is still full  of love and joy, especially in these last 3 months of the year. Someone is making my heart smile and it can't help to spread to my face. It's a strange thing to be overly stressed by finals and PhD applications and still have a perma-smile on my face.

2013 is the year I started truly finding my voice in my work. Presenting more of me and less of those who I study. I am hoping to continue this and continue school.

So goodbye 2013, all in all I suppose you ended well enough, but I am hoping that 2014 will usher in many great things. I already know it is a year of new beginnings, at the very least with graduation, and whatever comes after. I hope in 2014 to grow in trust and dependence on God, and to seek to do His will in all my endeavors. I want to be less timid, and to remember:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. - C.S. Lewis

But it is worth the risk, would I rather suffer a little now or suffer a lifetime of regret?

So here's to 2014, a new year, a new beginning. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 29

I am thankful for NyQuil and cold medicine. Finally feeling a little better.

A Month of Thanks: Day 28

I am thankful for having so much free time this week, even if taking so much free time means I am pretty much 2 weeks behind at this point. I should be able to do some work today, so that's good. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 27

I am thankful for my overall health, even if I have a bit of a sore throat today. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 26

I am thankful for getting to yell at people in traffic. I know it sounds weird, but really, I thought about it as I was yelling at a van to get out of my way on 59 North as I headed to meet Dr. Smith for lunch. While I am terrified to drive in Boston, those Massholes (no offence), are totally nuts. But I am so accustomed to driving in Houston and I was thinking, if I didn't have access to a car, I wouldn't get to see anyone. It really is nice to be able to just get in a car and go where you need to go. I am also glad I got to see so many people who mean so much to me today. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 25

I am thankful the GRE is now over, and with my scores, I made my decision regarding applying to schools. I am just going to go for it. This is what I am really thankful about, I decided what to do, and basically, it involves ruling out a school I was going to apply for because they have unrealistic expectations about the GRE. Your loss CUA cause I am awesome. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 24

I am thankful for Fr. Drew and St. Laurence. I love coming home, and really that Parish is my home. It was a special treat that Fr. Drew celebrated the Mass I went to this morning, and I got to sing with the choir, which I miss so much. Larry even played my favorite song before communion, not for me, just a happy accident. It is so nice to go where you haven't been in a while and feel so welcomed and loved. I know no matter where I live, St. Laurence will always be my parish. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 23

Today I am thankful for getting to spend time with my family. Dinner last night with my brother, mom, dad, gramma, and niece. Then tattoos with the niece, and this morning just hanging out. Since we are spread out over the country it is nice to get to spend time with them. Of course I am not doing any of the things I should be doing, and I got no sleep, but whatev. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 22

Today I am thankful that each ending is a beginning of something new. I think today will always be a little bit of a sad, dark day for me. Because five years ago today, a boy (and yes I feel the term boy is appropriate, if you know us, you probably do too) and I stood up in front of all our family and friends, and he made promises to me he never intended too keep. And while, I am actually grateful now that our relationship did not work out, every once in a while the betrayal still hurts.

But had this not happened, I would not be pursuing my dream of higher education. I would be doing who knows what and probably not very happy. So while it still stings a bit, I am very thankful that "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

A Month of Thanks: Day 21

I am thankful that while it may not be every minute of everyday, I am pretty much happy every day. It is a wonderful feeling to be so full of joy. When even on "bad" days my heart is smiling. It has been a long time coming, but I think I am finally at a point of total trust.

I am in limbo, and I am OK with that. After Monday I will know if I am applying for PhD programs for next year, or deferring a year. I am excited to go home tomorrow, even though I am kind of stressed about balancing fun, work, and family.

And even though I fluctuate through moments of feeling like the butt of some cosmic practical joke, overall I can smile and laugh at myself. So, I am very thankful for joy. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 20

Honestly, I am thankful for feeling foolish. For not always taking myself so seriously. I am glad that I can laugh at myself because really I am quite ridiculous, most of  the time. 

Especially today, I needed a good laugh at myself. Sometimes we need to realize that we are being a little over the top, wait isn't that everyday. 

In one of our classes, Peter Kreeft said that Satan hates it when we laugh at ourselves, well he must be pretty pissed at me right now. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 19

I am thankful that the sun was shining today. Even though it is still pretty cold, the sunshine always makes me more cheerful.

Not just because of the sunshine, but in general, today was an AMAZING day!

I was very worried about my paper I had to write for Peter Kreeft, and I got it back and he said it was very wise. Needless to say I have been smiling all day! Peter Kreeft said I was wise. I am beyond flattered because the man in brilliant. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 18

I am thankful to the talents God has given me, especially singing. Singing makes me feel really good, and I try to use that talent to give him Glory, although I have no outlet for that at the moment. But, for the next two Sundays I get to sing with my St. Laurence Church choir and I couldn't be more excited. I miss singing in the choir at Mass. I sing at Mass, but it is different.

A Month of Thanks: Day 17

I am thankful for the times of brokenness in my life that have lead me closer to God and driven me deeper into his arms. Sometimes joy comes through tears and laughter through sorrow. In The Four Loves C. S. Lewis makes the claim that sometimes God must break our hearts, and in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Brian tells Helen that sometimes we try to hold onto the very things that God Himself is trying to tear apart. I believe both of these are true. God wants us to be happy, I firmly believe this and place all my hope in it, this is why sometimes He has to tear us away from those things which distract us from our true happiness. The happiness that is found in God alone. So I am thankful for the times that God has broken my heart and comforted me with the grace of tears.

Kind of like "This." :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 16

I am thankful for the gift of courage. I had to have an awkward conversation about an awkward situation yesterday, and I was dreading it. So much so that I made myself physically ill, yes I know that is bad, but often my emotions manifest themselves in my stomach. But now it is done and I feel better for having said something. It may not do any good, but at least I did my part, and if it happens again I hope I have the courage to say something again. 

I usually, unless I am really close and comfortable, carry things inside and try to avoid dealing with them. But I am thankful this time I had the courage to say something. 

Virtues are just good habits, and we develop habits by practice, so I am on my way to becoming a courageous person, one act at a time.

And thanks to the people that supported me in needing to say something.

A Month of Thanks: Day 15

I am thankful for the chance to study the lives of some of the saints. Like Hildegard and Teresa. Both of them have qualities I see in myself, as well as many more I really need to strive to imitate and attain. But because I can self-identify with them, it gives me hope that I, a tremendously flawed sinful individual, can also be holy. Like one of my former professors said in my course on Saint Augustine, his first name wasn't always saint. And there was a really cheesy song about how saint are just the sinners who get up after they fall.

Today I read this quote for my girl Hildie, "I too cower at the puniness of my mind, and am greatly wearied by anxiety and fear. Yet from time to time I resound a little, like the dim sound of a trumpet from the Living Light."

I am relieved to know a great saint and doctor Church also felt somewhat completely inferior, but still there is hope.

A Month of Thanks: Day 14

I am so thankful for music. The way it moves and stirs the soul. The way it comforts and afflicts. I was just watching Last week's episode of Glee and the version of Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" they sang moved me to tears. The power of music. It truly is amazing.

Seven years ago a bad case of acid re-flux/heartburn, cause me to get pre-nodes on my vocal chords, and I was on voice rest for three months. Not being able to sing, and it actually hurting for me to sing or talk was so difficult to endure. Singing is a large part of my worship. Like Saint Augustine Said, when you sing, you pray twice. During this time I could not fully participate at Mass because I could not sing, or say the responses, and it was heart breaking for me. I remember it was getting close to Christmas, and I was so upset that I did not think I'd be able to sing at Christmas Eve Mass that I was in tears. As it happened I was able to sing, I had to skip the Messiah before Mass which was a sacrifice in its own right, but I was able to sing at Mass and it was amazing.

Right now I have no where to sing, well besides when I am home alone (or think I am anyway) and I belt out a line or two, usually relating to what I am feeling. I don't know where I would be without music.

And as it inspired my thankful post today, here is "Wide Awake:"

A Month of Thanks: Day 13

I am thankful for those little things that can make an alright day a great day. This morning I was upset that I had to dry an extra load of laundry, but that made for a chance encounter that has a put a big smile on my face. Sometimes our blessings come in disguise.

A Month of Thanks: Day 12

I am thankful for God, who guides my days and provides light in the darkness. Being a child of God is fundamental to my identity. I am working on bridging the gap between my studies in theology and living the faith, but sometimes it is hard to move from theory to practice. I am grateful that he has lead me to where I am today, and I pray He continues to lead and I continue to have to courage to follow and obey wherever I am asked to go.

"You never said it would be easy. You only said I would not go alone."

A Month of Thanks: Day 11

I am thankful for all those who put their life on the line to volunteer to serve our country.