Honestly . . .

Honestly, I am not looking forward to Spring Break next week because without classes, it won't have enough distraction for me. Funny how I have enough trouble concentrating and usually don't want to be in class when I have them, it is a nice distraction from dealing with myself and this situation. Even now, I should be reading these last 2 chapters of this book before class at 4, but instead I am playing around on the internet and writing this blog post. It's so hard to focus when I feel so ripped about apart internally. It is like how and I supposed to pay attention to one task when I feel like I am in a million pieces? 12 days ago I sent Peter a letter and I have had no response. It is all I can do not to text or email him to see if he got it. I just miss him so much. I still cannot believe I was so easily cast aside, and that I am the only one who is left hurting so much. I am filled with emptiness and despair, but he's just fine (well presumably). It just sucks! I wish I could go back in time and undo this. I just keep thinking about a line from one of my favorite Kelly Pease songs, "I hate what's new, I miss what's old." I hate believing and trusting in lies; it shakes me to my core. I just want things the way they were, when he was mine, and I was his. :(

Cycles or Spirals out of Control

So some days, I think I am better and moving on, but then there are days like today, when I miss him so much I can hardly breathe and I struggle with finding the motivation to do even the most necessary things. I still just cannot comprehend how I was so easily tossed aside, so easily replaced. I think what hurts the most is I trusted him, and so, I trusted in a lie. I miss sharing things with him, I miss the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. I even miss the nasty ass smell of that aftershave. And I am overwhelmed and consumed by loneliness.

Home is Where the Heart Is . . .

So it hit me while I was chatting with a friend during my class this morning why I feel so lost and out of place right now. It does have to do with loss of love, losing my best friend, and feeling ultimately thrown away (for who I am told is a very unfortunate looking person). But that isn't the whole of the problem, the whole problem is that home is where the heart is, and right now, my heart is with someone who rejected is, who stomped on it, who violated a trust, who doesn't want it. What's worse is I really thought this person was my future. It is all I can do not to call him, not to text him, not to reach out in someway (well I did write him a letter I sent last week, I felt like he needed to know the depths to which I really loved him and the extent of my hurt by his actions). I am so overwhelmed with loneliness, and not for being around people or even good people because I know I have some true friends here, but something else is missing. It is the lack of security in having him a phone call or text away, the lack of connection, other people have told me I can call them, but it is not the same. They aren't him, they do not hold my heart the way he did. Now my heart is displaced, shattered, scarred, and I am so lonely. 

Musings from an Airplane

So the Three and a half hour leg of my flight from Baltimore to Houston gave me too much time by myself to think without distractions. In a normal state of mind/being that would be too much for me, as upset I am it was pure torture. Here's a couple little thoughts from that . . . .

Looking out at all the stars makes me feels so small and insignificant, but I know that my lord counts me among his creation and I am tearfully wonderfully made. It is no mistake that I am here this sorrow this suffering this pain it must serve some purpose. Even through the turmoil of a shattered heart I cling to you the one who fashioned me from the dust and breathed life into my being. How blessed am I that you hold me in your care, and that even if the world abandons me and lets me down, I know you are lifting me up and holding me in your heart. Help me to have no desires but to seek your face, and heal my brokenness and make me whole. For you are love, you are truth, you are my joy.

I Hate This . . .

I hate that the person I most want to talk to is the one that broke my heart.
I hate that the person I share all my feelings with no longer has an interest.
I hate that this person talked to me the night before like everything was fine.
I hate that I feel unwelcome where I live.
I hate that I feel like I have no one to talk to here.
I hate that he dumped me and then wanted to have a normal conversation.
I hate that I feel like I have nowhere to call home.
And most of all I hate that I can't hate him!