Thoughts at the end of the semester

So, here are some random thoughts for at the end of the semester:

• Sometimes you spend 20-30 hours writing a paper and you get an A-. Sometimes you spend that amount of time, or more on a paper, get a B+, and get told you didn't put effort into it.
• And, sometimes you spend spend like 7 hours on a paper that you really didn't put effort into and come out with an A.
• Sometimes in just a few short months you can meet people you really connect with and will miss terribly since they graduated and will be going their own separate ways.
• A good night's sleep can fix almost anything, or at least give you a better outlook at the start of a new day.
• Be careful who you tell you are discerning a religious vocation to, some will just dismiss it, and others will try and sign you up right then and there.
• Basically it comes down to, you win some, you lose some.

Freedom!

I don't remember the end of the semester ever feeling so good before. Walking home from turning in my last final I felt like I was walking on air, despite the pouring rain. Although, I was singing "Singin' in the Rain" to myself.

Oddly enough the activity I am most excited about having the summer free for is reading. I feel like I cannot read for fun during the semester because it makes me feel really guilty to read and not have it contribute to getting my work done. Instead I watch lots and lots of Hulu+. I know, I know.

I am also very excited that in about 54 days I will be back in the amazing State of Texas, if even just for a month and a half. :) I miss Texas and I miss my friends there. Although, Boston is growing on me.

I am just so excited to be done and free. I am halfway through with this degree. Now it's time to research PhD programs, well maybe that can wait until next week. 

5 Things that Suck about Spring Semester Final Exams

1. It is May, and gorgeous outside, and I am stuck inside trying to write papers.
2. It's May and I am supposed to focus.
3. It's the end of the whole school year, and I am burnt out.
4. It is a lot of work to do in a small amount of time. By next Tuesday around noon I need to have finished this 9 page take-home exam and reread(?) half of the massive amount of reading for my Church History oral exam. Then by Thursday at 4, my 20-30 page research paper on assisted suicide is due, which I have some books for, but haven't even started to look at, and Friday I have a 10 page paper due for John and Virtue Ethics, but I have to work that day during the day so it needs to be done before Friday, say what?
5. I just don't care anymore! Well, that isn't entirely true, but it is almost accurate. My "give-a-damn" is pretty broken.

5 Things I'd Rather Be Doing:

1. Sleeping. I went to sleep kind of late last night, feeling it this afternoon.
2. Baking cookies. I didn't get the chance yesterday like I wanted.
3. Soaking up some warm sunshine, but it isn't warm outside.
4. Actually being able to focus an accomplish something on this final I am working on.
5. Getting ice cream.

"How are you doing?"

How are you doing?

Simple enough question, but the response, not always so simple. Fr. John asked all of us this at the beginning of his homily this morning, in the light of the week we just experienced.

Personally, I am on the edge between being alright and feeling like everything is back to normal and an almost incapacitating fear. I hear sirens and look in all directions waiting for impending danger, that is usually not where to be found. Loud noises make me jump. But I carry on and do what I need to do.

This week has just been surreal, and this morning during Mass I thought to myself, "Where did I go to Mass last Sunday?" because the last Mass I attended at St. Cecilia's on Sunday seemed to be longer ago than just a week. Fr. John also mentioned that these events made him feel "energized," I totally get that too. Which is probably why my roommate and I were baking on Friday, oh I'm stuck inside? We need cupcakes and banana bread. Fight or flight is a reality, and when you experience that adrenaline rush and are stuck inside, what are you going to do?

It doesn't help that most of the day Friday I was glued to the TV hoping they'd say something other than the 5 pieces of information they had repeated over an over again. Finally, I tore myself away, until the final hour or so, when I watched pretty much holding my breath for fear at the fact these events were only 2 miles away, way too close for comfort, and way to real on my TV screen. When they finally captured him, I exhaled, I mean really exhaled, that was when I realized I wasn't really breathing. Shaken to the core.

Yesterday, it was back to work as normal, but I couldn't bring myself to focus on my school work, so I helped my roommate frost a box, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner (well heated it up), watched some TV, Tangled, and tried to decompress from this the longest week ever.

I intended to get up and go to Mass at 9:30 this morning, so I could get a better start on my day, but when my alarm went off at 7:30 I decided I needed to sleep more.

In some ways it seems like Monday and Friday were a lifetime ago, but then there are reminders that they just occurred. Like this morning at Kenmore, the inbound trains were delayed and then an officer came down with a dog sniffing the trash cans. I really hope that was just preventive  but it certainly put me on edge when I was already uneasy about going downtown and getting on a crowded bus or train, I never like crowds, but now I have more reasons to be uncomfortable.

This is a little of how I am doing, coping, as best as I can. One day at a time.