Five years ago today, I was 9 days out of leaving a job I hoped would be a career, trying to pick up the pieces, heal, and enjoy a slightly too chilly day at Galveston, as salt water, sand, sun and surf heal the soul in unimaginable ways.
I went into my car to check the time on my phone because I had plans to see Matt Maher that evening with friends and my husband, when I saw a I had a voice-mail from him. The message said to call him back he had bad new . . . understatement of a life time . . . bad news like dropping the A-bomb only caused slight damage.
But, I am getting ahead of myself, I had prepared myself as I was calling him back to hear that his draw at work had been reduced and that money would be tighter than it already was, but what he said, I never even imagined. That the strain would be tighter and things might get worse.
His bad news, which was bad news only for me . . . That he and his mother were moving him out of our apartment, that it was over, done, finito . . . and my heart, torn out, smashed, broken. I cried. I screamed. I bargained. I lost. I was willing to do whatever, marriage is forever, there is no "way out," if it isn't working you fix it, you don't throw it out. I tried my hardest to repair it, but there is no reconciliation without conversation, not even that, without talking, no words . . .
It's been quite a journey, this five year long trip, to where today I woke up and felt hopeful and free, and I've realized the tremendous favor that he did for me. He gave me my life back, we were on the wrong course. I've been growing into who I was meant to be, but with him, for this, I was not free. I have stumbled quite a bit, and stepped off the path, through sin, self-doubt, and crippling fear.
But I am learning and I am growing, realizing that if I can just allow myself to be loved, loved by God, and let that love take effect it will all be as it should be. So I am thankful, he gave me my life back, it may not be what I had planned, but it is mine, and the one that was intended and I am grateful.
And this is an Easter song, and sounds better when Mary sings it, but it is the song of my heart right now. Even if it is a few days early . . .
I went into my car to check the time on my phone because I had plans to see Matt Maher that evening with friends and my husband, when I saw a I had a voice-mail from him. The message said to call him back he had bad new . . . understatement of a life time . . . bad news like dropping the A-bomb only caused slight damage.
But, I am getting ahead of myself, I had prepared myself as I was calling him back to hear that his draw at work had been reduced and that money would be tighter than it already was, but what he said, I never even imagined. That the strain would be tighter and things might get worse.
His bad news, which was bad news only for me . . . That he and his mother were moving him out of our apartment, that it was over, done, finito . . . and my heart, torn out, smashed, broken. I cried. I screamed. I bargained. I lost. I was willing to do whatever, marriage is forever, there is no "way out," if it isn't working you fix it, you don't throw it out. I tried my hardest to repair it, but there is no reconciliation without conversation, not even that, without talking, no words . . .
It's been quite a journey, this five year long trip, to where today I woke up and felt hopeful and free, and I've realized the tremendous favor that he did for me. He gave me my life back, we were on the wrong course. I've been growing into who I was meant to be, but with him, for this, I was not free. I have stumbled quite a bit, and stepped off the path, through sin, self-doubt, and crippling fear.
But I am learning and I am growing, realizing that if I can just allow myself to be loved, loved by God, and let that love take effect it will all be as it should be. So I am thankful, he gave me my life back, it may not be what I had planned, but it is mine, and the one that was intended and I am grateful.
And this is an Easter song, and sounds better when Mary sings it, but it is the song of my heart right now. Even if it is a few days early . . .
I choose to live this life You give
for You alone!
I choose to live for you alone,
to make Your cross my only glory and
Your grace my only hope;
to yield my will, I choose to make my heart Your throne!
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