5 Things I'd Rather Be Doing:

1. Sleeping. I went to sleep kind of late last night, feeling it this afternoon.
2. Baking cookies. I didn't get the chance yesterday like I wanted.
3. Soaking up some warm sunshine, but it isn't warm outside.
4. Actually being able to focus an accomplish something on this final I am working on.
5. Getting ice cream.

"How are you doing?"

How are you doing?

Simple enough question, but the response, not always so simple. Fr. John asked all of us this at the beginning of his homily this morning, in the light of the week we just experienced.

Personally, I am on the edge between being alright and feeling like everything is back to normal and an almost incapacitating fear. I hear sirens and look in all directions waiting for impending danger, that is usually not where to be found. Loud noises make me jump. But I carry on and do what I need to do.

This week has just been surreal, and this morning during Mass I thought to myself, "Where did I go to Mass last Sunday?" because the last Mass I attended at St. Cecilia's on Sunday seemed to be longer ago than just a week. Fr. John also mentioned that these events made him feel "energized," I totally get that too. Which is probably why my roommate and I were baking on Friday, oh I'm stuck inside? We need cupcakes and banana bread. Fight or flight is a reality, and when you experience that adrenaline rush and are stuck inside, what are you going to do?

It doesn't help that most of the day Friday I was glued to the TV hoping they'd say something other than the 5 pieces of information they had repeated over an over again. Finally, I tore myself away, until the final hour or so, when I watched pretty much holding my breath for fear at the fact these events were only 2 miles away, way too close for comfort, and way to real on my TV screen. When they finally captured him, I exhaled, I mean really exhaled, that was when I realized I wasn't really breathing. Shaken to the core.

Yesterday, it was back to work as normal, but I couldn't bring myself to focus on my school work, so I helped my roommate frost a box, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner (well heated it up), watched some TV, Tangled, and tried to decompress from this the longest week ever.

I intended to get up and go to Mass at 9:30 this morning, so I could get a better start on my day, but when my alarm went off at 7:30 I decided I needed to sleep more.

In some ways it seems like Monday and Friday were a lifetime ago, but then there are reminders that they just occurred. Like this morning at Kenmore, the inbound trains were delayed and then an officer came down with a dog sniffing the trash cans. I really hope that was just preventive  but it certainly put me on edge when I was already uneasy about going downtown and getting on a crowded bus or train, I never like crowds, but now I have more reasons to be uncomfortable.

This is a little of how I am doing, coping, as best as I can. One day at a time. 

Thoughts from today . . .

While I was sitting in the living room, a glance out the window showed me two things:

1. Guy running laps barefoot around the park across the street
2. Birds hopping on the ground and squirrels running through the trees.

With regards to the first I wondered what was wrong with that guy, that he would be out in the middle of an open field when were told to stay inside. I wondered if he didn't know, but I would think the lack of activity would seem strange. There are never not people and dogs in that park. There are never this few cars on the street. (The barefoot part got me based on the aforementioned dogs, like that almost might as well be a dog park, barefoot, really)

In regards to the second, I am envious of their lack of awareness, worry, and concern. The birds fly around unconcerned they hop in the grass. They worry not, but I awoke to disturbing news, ominous sirens, and a warning to lock myself inside my house. I am pretty calm, slightly annoyed at being stuck inside on such a beautiful day, but otherwise I'd be at work, so there is no difference there, but helicopters overhead are not a sound I am used to hearing. 

It is hard not to be slightly on edge, when a couple people endanger so many. And there are so many questions, but I am trying to trust that I am being looked after, cared for, and loved. I am trying to take this passage to heart:  

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil. Matthew 6:25-34

And in the midst of letting go of worry in the face of evil, these words from Saint Teresa of Avila should be remembered:

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

And we should be the love of Christ working in the world. We should be the peace the world cannot give. Above all we need to maintain a belief in the fundamental good of people. We need to not be discouraged in our call to love one another.

My Hands Are Holding You . . .

            So yesterday was a tragic day. I watched about five minutes of the marathon about noon on Comm Ave somewhere between mile 21 and 22, and then went to the library to work on a paper. That's when I learned about what happened, via a Facebook status.

            Then I spent hours watching streaming media and not doing my paper. I was upset, but since I thought I didn't know anyone in the marathon, I had a sense of detachment from this tragedy, and it was something that happened in the city I lived in, and I was affected merely by proximity. I received some messages, calls and texts from people checking on me to make sure I was alright, and I really felt the love.

            So I attended a prayer service with the community at my school and realized one of my classmates was running, I had no idea, my detachment shattered. She wasn't hurt physically, but she was affected. We all are, this empty feeling is consuming me and many “what if's” and “I am thankful that's” are floating around my head. Like what if I hadn't had so much homework and wanted to be in the midst of the action, or what if this had happened the morning before when I was very near that spot, and I am thankful for my dislike of crowds and slacking off on my assignments that kept me away. It's a lot to think about and a lot to process, and I cried a lot last night because sometimes that is the only way to cope.

            One of the songs used at the prayer service last night was “How Can I Keep From Singing” and one line from the refrain just stayed with me, “No storm can cloud my inmost calm, while to this rock I’m clinging,” and I am not sure if this was with me because it is true for me or if it is because it needs to be true for me.

            And this morning I woke up with a heavy heart and stepped out into a beautiful day: sunny and almost warm with a clear brilliant blue sky, and my thought was this is God showing us who is really in control, that while our hearts are broken, heavy, and sad, He truly makes all things new.

            Then I started thinking about the song "By My Side" by Tenth Avenue North. This song is so comforting:
"Here at my side wherever you fall/ In the dead of night whenever you call/ And please don't fight these hands that are holding you/ My hands are holding you/ 'Cause I, I love you/ I want you to know/ That I, yeah I'll love you/ I'll never let you go, no, no/ And I'll be by your side wherever you fall/  In the dead of night whenever you call/ And please don't fight these hands that are holding you/ My hands are holding you"

I think we need to remember that we are being held, we are loved, and someone much bigger is totally covering us.

            But even so, I am still shaken, and I am a little afraid I am trying to take these words to heart too, “Be not afraid!”

Feel the Burn . . .

I am feeling the burn right now, and it's name is burnout! It has happened towards the end of just about every semester of school I've experienced. Academically this semester was much much easier than last semester. I had less reading over all, less writing, and feel slightly more confident in expressing my voice rather than presenting the voices of others, but personally this semester has been really hard. I feel isolated, and part of that is me, and part of that is nursing a broken heart. Even though in some respects, my semester has been easier, I am still feeling burnt out at this point. I don't have much more to do, a five page paper for Tuesday, a 1200ish word essay for the following week, and my finals: a ten page paper on ethics in John, an oral exam, a take-home final, and the whopper, a 30 page paper). Having 4-5 weeks for all this it seems like a walk in the park. The problem is I have no motivation. Like tonight, I should work on that five pager, but I was just so worn out, I had to just take the night off and watch TV. I don't really feel bad about it though. Sometimes you just have to know when to say no, I need this time for me.