Goodbye 2013 . . .

Well 2013, honestly you kind of sucked, or at least you started out that way.

The year began very sadly, with the ending of a relationship that was overdue to be torn apart. It makes me wonder why we cling to things that are toxic and need to be released.

I also developed some really important friendships this year, and that made things better.

I have grown to know more about who I am and the path I am taking. I've learned to accept myself more as I am, and attempted to change somethings that need changing. I've grown in my revulsion against social injustice, and I am inspired by where to start to make change, but this in itself is problematic for me because I have a fixer complex.

And my heart has grown, even after having been broken (again), it is still full  of love and joy, especially in these last 3 months of the year. Someone is making my heart smile and it can't help to spread to my face. It's a strange thing to be overly stressed by finals and PhD applications and still have a perma-smile on my face.

2013 is the year I started truly finding my voice in my work. Presenting more of me and less of those who I study. I am hoping to continue this and continue school.

So goodbye 2013, all in all I suppose you ended well enough, but I am hoping that 2014 will usher in many great things. I already know it is a year of new beginnings, at the very least with graduation, and whatever comes after. I hope in 2014 to grow in trust and dependence on God, and to seek to do His will in all my endeavors. I want to be less timid, and to remember:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. - C.S. Lewis

But it is worth the risk, would I rather suffer a little now or suffer a lifetime of regret?

So here's to 2014, a new year, a new beginning. 

Brokenness: Allowing for Growth in Faith and Love

This is a paper I wrote for my C.S. Lewis course. I just wanted to share.

Pain, suffering, and experiences of brokenness can be good for man, especially for Christians on their faith journey. In The Problem of Pain, C. S. Lewis asserts that “pain insists upon being attended to.”[1] Suffering, pain, and brokenness can take us out of ourselves and orient us to the other. Often our experiences of pain and brokenness can move us to deeper love for God. Further, Lewis proclaims, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”[2] Pain is our indication that something is not right, that something must change. Only a fool would really, truly honestly seek change when everything is good, but it is those times that we are broken, shattered, and torn that we seek change, growth, and restoration, and ultimately seek God. When your world is disrupted, shattered, broken, that is when you seek change. This is when you seek a savior, someone to put the pieces back together.

There are three ways of examining the problem of pain. One could view it as a state of life as The Man in Black in The Princess Bride does, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”[3] Pain is merely a fact of life, it has no meaning. It is inevitable. It just is. Another view is that pain is an inexplicable evil, it cannot be rationalized or understood, although, this view really is just an extension of the first, that pain exists, and it is a reality, but it is meaningless, inconceivable. The third way of examining pain would be to see it as useful, as tool, in that, pain makes us move. Pain is a sign that something is not right, and a change needs to occur. This is why there is a “universal human feeling that bad men ought to suffer.”[4] Lewis declares, “Once pain has roused him, he knows that he is in some way or other ‘up against’ the real universe: he either rebels . . . or else makes some attempt at an adjustment, which, if pursued, will lead him to religion.”[5] Pain exists so that they might be drawn out of their badness, be punished for their wrongdoings, or change their wicked ways. This view of pain underscores divine justice and mercy the most. Happiness is the result of conformity to the truth, conforming to God. Insofar as one is not living according to the truth, she cannot have true happiness, pain serves as a reminder or push to reorient her to the truth.

The periods of brokenness in my life have lead me to seek God more closely, and realize that I cannot fix myself. The scars are too deep, and the pieces are too small. I need someone greater than I to fix the mess, and during these time I have turn to God for healing and for direction. This is why, when reading The Four Loves, when C. S. Lewis discusses accepting sufferings, I was so moved at his assertion, “We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.”[6] Sometimes, we choose to love someone who is not good for us or in an inordinate way, and this love distracts and pulls us away from our relationship with God, and this is when God breaks our heart. This is the grace of tears, but the good news is that according to Psalm 147, God heals the broken hearted. So even if God must break our hearts, He is there to heal them. He is the only cure for a broken heart, for He Himself was broken on the cross because of His love for us.

Choosing to love, we always run the risk of being broken, but if we don’t take the chance and love, there is no way for us to grow and reach perfection. As such, one of the most profound things that Lewis wrote is:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.[7]

Real love, always involves risk. Anytime we open ourselves to another in love we risk getting hurt. As one who wears her heart on her sleeve, I know this all too well, but for every experience of love lost and every heartbreak I have grown closer to God and learned more about myself and love in the process. In Till We Have Faces, at her judgment, Orual imparts, “I was pierced through and through with the arrows of it. I was being unmade. I was no one.”[8] Like Orual, we must be broken in order to know ourselves, we know ourselves most clearly in times of pain and suffering.

Life is a love story, between us and God and through our love for God, us and other individuals as well. Life may not always seem like a love story and sometimes we grow deeper or less in love. We may love someone, but either our choices or his are incompatible, and they cannot be reconciled. Our choices can lead us in different directions, and the choice to take our live in different directions can lead to the breaking of our hearts. This is especially true in a love not centered in God, not guided by Him and in the hope of leading us closer to Him. Although, love always involves a choice, a commitment, and as such if the love is strong, true, and rooted and governed by agape, it can supersede our choices or guide us to choose the person rather than our other desires.

There is always an element of suffering in love, as the purest expression of love, is Christ’s death on the cross, and it is the greatest suffering. However, inordinate love, or love not guided by agape can cause worse suffering because it lacks the joy we find in loving others through or with our love for God. As Saint Paul proclaims, love, agape, “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”[9] This is why Christ’s love for us is most fully expressed in His suffering and death on the cross. Just as suffering expresses His love for us, our suffering can lead us to grow in love for Him.






[1] C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (New York: Harper One, 1996), 91.


[2] Ibid.


[3] Anonymous The Princess Bride, directed by Rob Reiner et al. (Beverly Hills, CA: MGM DVD : Distributed by Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, 2007).


[4] Lewis, The Problem of Pain, 91.


[5] Ibid., 93.


[6] C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (Boston: First Mariner Books, 1988), 122.


[7] Ibid., 121.


[8] C. S. Lewis, Till we have Faces : A Myth Retold (San Diego: Harcourt Brace & Co, 1984), 307.


[9] 1 Corinthians 13:7.

A Month of Thanks: Day 30

I am thankful for anyone who has ever supported me in anyway. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 29

I am thankful for NyQuil and cold medicine. Finally feeling a little better.

A Month of Thanks: Day 28

I am thankful for having so much free time this week, even if taking so much free time means I am pretty much 2 weeks behind at this point. I should be able to do some work today, so that's good. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 27

I am thankful for my overall health, even if I have a bit of a sore throat today. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 26

I am thankful for getting to yell at people in traffic. I know it sounds weird, but really, I thought about it as I was yelling at a van to get out of my way on 59 North as I headed to meet Dr. Smith for lunch. While I am terrified to drive in Boston, those Massholes (no offence), are totally nuts. But I am so accustomed to driving in Houston and I was thinking, if I didn't have access to a car, I wouldn't get to see anyone. It really is nice to be able to just get in a car and go where you need to go. I am also glad I got to see so many people who mean so much to me today. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 25

I am thankful the GRE is now over, and with my scores, I made my decision regarding applying to schools. I am just going to go for it. This is what I am really thankful about, I decided what to do, and basically, it involves ruling out a school I was going to apply for because they have unrealistic expectations about the GRE. Your loss CUA cause I am awesome. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 24

I am thankful for Fr. Drew and St. Laurence. I love coming home, and really that Parish is my home. It was a special treat that Fr. Drew celebrated the Mass I went to this morning, and I got to sing with the choir, which I miss so much. Larry even played my favorite song before communion, not for me, just a happy accident. It is so nice to go where you haven't been in a while and feel so welcomed and loved. I know no matter where I live, St. Laurence will always be my parish. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 23

Today I am thankful for getting to spend time with my family. Dinner last night with my brother, mom, dad, gramma, and niece. Then tattoos with the niece, and this morning just hanging out. Since we are spread out over the country it is nice to get to spend time with them. Of course I am not doing any of the things I should be doing, and I got no sleep, but whatev. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 22

Today I am thankful that each ending is a beginning of something new. I think today will always be a little bit of a sad, dark day for me. Because five years ago today, a boy (and yes I feel the term boy is appropriate, if you know us, you probably do too) and I stood up in front of all our family and friends, and he made promises to me he never intended too keep. And while, I am actually grateful now that our relationship did not work out, every once in a while the betrayal still hurts.

But had this not happened, I would not be pursuing my dream of higher education. I would be doing who knows what and probably not very happy. So while it still stings a bit, I am very thankful that "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

A Month of Thanks: Day 21

I am thankful that while it may not be every minute of everyday, I am pretty much happy every day. It is a wonderful feeling to be so full of joy. When even on "bad" days my heart is smiling. It has been a long time coming, but I think I am finally at a point of total trust.

I am in limbo, and I am OK with that. After Monday I will know if I am applying for PhD programs for next year, or deferring a year. I am excited to go home tomorrow, even though I am kind of stressed about balancing fun, work, and family.

And even though I fluctuate through moments of feeling like the butt of some cosmic practical joke, overall I can smile and laugh at myself. So, I am very thankful for joy. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 20

Honestly, I am thankful for feeling foolish. For not always taking myself so seriously. I am glad that I can laugh at myself because really I am quite ridiculous, most of  the time. 

Especially today, I needed a good laugh at myself. Sometimes we need to realize that we are being a little over the top, wait isn't that everyday. 

In one of our classes, Peter Kreeft said that Satan hates it when we laugh at ourselves, well he must be pretty pissed at me right now. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 19

I am thankful that the sun was shining today. Even though it is still pretty cold, the sunshine always makes me more cheerful.

Not just because of the sunshine, but in general, today was an AMAZING day!

I was very worried about my paper I had to write for Peter Kreeft, and I got it back and he said it was very wise. Needless to say I have been smiling all day! Peter Kreeft said I was wise. I am beyond flattered because the man in brilliant. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 18

I am thankful to the talents God has given me, especially singing. Singing makes me feel really good, and I try to use that talent to give him Glory, although I have no outlet for that at the moment. But, for the next two Sundays I get to sing with my St. Laurence Church choir and I couldn't be more excited. I miss singing in the choir at Mass. I sing at Mass, but it is different.

A Month of Thanks: Day 17

I am thankful for the times of brokenness in my life that have lead me closer to God and driven me deeper into his arms. Sometimes joy comes through tears and laughter through sorrow. In The Four Loves C. S. Lewis makes the claim that sometimes God must break our hearts, and in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Brian tells Helen that sometimes we try to hold onto the very things that God Himself is trying to tear apart. I believe both of these are true. God wants us to be happy, I firmly believe this and place all my hope in it, this is why sometimes He has to tear us away from those things which distract us from our true happiness. The happiness that is found in God alone. So I am thankful for the times that God has broken my heart and comforted me with the grace of tears.

Kind of like "This." :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 16

I am thankful for the gift of courage. I had to have an awkward conversation about an awkward situation yesterday, and I was dreading it. So much so that I made myself physically ill, yes I know that is bad, but often my emotions manifest themselves in my stomach. But now it is done and I feel better for having said something. It may not do any good, but at least I did my part, and if it happens again I hope I have the courage to say something again. 

I usually, unless I am really close and comfortable, carry things inside and try to avoid dealing with them. But I am thankful this time I had the courage to say something. 

Virtues are just good habits, and we develop habits by practice, so I am on my way to becoming a courageous person, one act at a time.

And thanks to the people that supported me in needing to say something.

A Month of Thanks: Day 15

I am thankful for the chance to study the lives of some of the saints. Like Hildegard and Teresa. Both of them have qualities I see in myself, as well as many more I really need to strive to imitate and attain. But because I can self-identify with them, it gives me hope that I, a tremendously flawed sinful individual, can also be holy. Like one of my former professors said in my course on Saint Augustine, his first name wasn't always saint. And there was a really cheesy song about how saint are just the sinners who get up after they fall.

Today I read this quote for my girl Hildie, "I too cower at the puniness of my mind, and am greatly wearied by anxiety and fear. Yet from time to time I resound a little, like the dim sound of a trumpet from the Living Light."

I am relieved to know a great saint and doctor Church also felt somewhat completely inferior, but still there is hope.

A Month of Thanks: Day 14

I am so thankful for music. The way it moves and stirs the soul. The way it comforts and afflicts. I was just watching Last week's episode of Glee and the version of Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" they sang moved me to tears. The power of music. It truly is amazing.

Seven years ago a bad case of acid re-flux/heartburn, cause me to get pre-nodes on my vocal chords, and I was on voice rest for three months. Not being able to sing, and it actually hurting for me to sing or talk was so difficult to endure. Singing is a large part of my worship. Like Saint Augustine Said, when you sing, you pray twice. During this time I could not fully participate at Mass because I could not sing, or say the responses, and it was heart breaking for me. I remember it was getting close to Christmas, and I was so upset that I did not think I'd be able to sing at Christmas Eve Mass that I was in tears. As it happened I was able to sing, I had to skip the Messiah before Mass which was a sacrifice in its own right, but I was able to sing at Mass and it was amazing.

Right now I have no where to sing, well besides when I am home alone (or think I am anyway) and I belt out a line or two, usually relating to what I am feeling. I don't know where I would be without music.

And as it inspired my thankful post today, here is "Wide Awake:"

A Month of Thanks: Day 13

I am thankful for those little things that can make an alright day a great day. This morning I was upset that I had to dry an extra load of laundry, but that made for a chance encounter that has a put a big smile on my face. Sometimes our blessings come in disguise.

A Month of Thanks: Day 12

I am thankful for God, who guides my days and provides light in the darkness. Being a child of God is fundamental to my identity. I am working on bridging the gap between my studies in theology and living the faith, but sometimes it is hard to move from theory to practice. I am grateful that he has lead me to where I am today, and I pray He continues to lead and I continue to have to courage to follow and obey wherever I am asked to go.

"You never said it would be easy. You only said I would not go alone."

A Month of Thanks: Day 11

I am thankful for all those who put their life on the line to volunteer to serve our country. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 10

I am thankful for God. He created and sustains me, and loves me even when I am at worst, all the while calling me to be better and to grow in love for Him and for others.

A Month of Thanks: Day 9

Today I am thankful for time with friends, and good enlightening conversations. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 8

Today I am thankful for my own room. A place to go hide away from the world after a bad day.

A Month of Thanks: Day 7

I am thankful for my faith.
Even in times of doubt, it has worked in the background and sustained me. Part of that, I am sure, is owed to the intercession of my Grandmother, who would be 102 today on her birthday. While I didn't get much of a chance to know her here on earth, (she developed memory problems when I was rather young, and being a stupid kid, I wouldn't talk to her because even when.I was in high school she thought I was in 4th grade, and she died when I was in 9th) I know she watches out for me and protects me. I am also relatively sure she has guided me to where I am today. I was also named after her, so I always carry her with me.
My faith in God and specifically my Catholic faith has a lot to do with the person I am today, and I strive to be better formed by my relationship to Christ.

A Month of Thanks: Day 6

Today I am especially thankful for laughter, especially when I was rather upset about the impending demolition of one of my favorite hometown landmarks. Yes it is ugly, but I love the Astrodome, that's where I fell in love with the Astros, who are constant disappointments, but I love them all the same, as well as other events.

Anyway, I digress, I am thankful for laughter, the best bout came when I read my friend Tom's reaction to a lost pair of pants in the library, "A sign on a table at the entrance if the Boston College Theology and Ministry Library where I spend all of my days. I just could not resist posting this . . . Surely, St. Paul's command that we "put on Christ" (Galatians 3:27) should not involve taking off one's pants . . ."

Laughing is one of my favorite things to do, and I am glad there are some many people around me that bring it out. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 5

Today I am thankful for Guy Fawkes, "Remember, remember the 5th of November."

J/K

But, I had to fit that quote in there somewhere . . .

I am thankful for beautiful days, when the fiery red and orange trees dance off the bright blue sky, and even though I am miserably cold, my heart is moved to praise of God. Days that really make you understand the cosmological proofs for the existence of God. The reminder that God made this beautiful creation, and it is here for our use and enjoyment.

Even if I do have to spend my time inside, reading and such instead of actually enjoying it.

A Month of Thanks: Day 4

I am thankful for coffee! Especially today when I was awoken about two and a half hours before my alarm. Even on a normal day I can hardly functions without it. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 3

Today and today only, I am thankful for the time change and getting 10 hours of sleep. I guess really I am thankful for sleep. There is nothing more refreshing than much needed sleep. The refreshment is most welcome after a stressful fortnight, and feeling overwhelmed I am now actually feeling peaceful. I feel like I can make the decision about whether or not to defer my applications to PhD programs.

A Month of Thanks: Day 2

On this feast of All Souls, I am thankful for all those who love me now and have loved me while they were here on this earth. Especially my grandmother, both my grandfathers, and my step mother.

And remember this prayer that Fr. Drew wrote:
"All our family and friends who have died, pray for us as we pray for you, that you may have everlasting life.

A Month of Thanks: Day One

I did this last year and it really helped me cultivate an attitude of gratitude, which as a Christian is a necessary disposition, for all we have is gift and we are supposed to give it all back.

So on this first day, the feast of All Saints day, I am thankful for the MBOC, the Mystical Body of Christ. Living 1800 miles from your friends and family it is nice to know that especially through the Eucharist, that most holy sacrament, I am not only united to my Lord, but also to all those whom I love even worlds apart. If I can't see them face to face, at least, I can see them in the Eucharist. 

Warm Bodies . . . Hints of Humanity from Hollywood

Last night I watched the movie Warm Bodies. It was really cute, a zombie rom-com, how can you go wrong? Beware, I am going to spoil it, but if you saw a trailer, it kind of already was spoiled.

Watching this, I reminded of Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning (available here), in which he recounts his time in a concentration camp and how those that found some meaning or purpose survived while those without something to live for died.

The zombies in Warm Bodies, are called corpses or bonies, depending on how far the disease that infects them has run it's course. The bonies live only to feast on the flesh of humans.

R, the main corpse character, starts out the movie longing for some sort of interaction as he wanders around the airport where the corpses live. He meets Julie, and begins to fall for her, and saves her from the other corpses and protects her in the plane he lives in. His going outside himself, caring for Julie and protecting her, sparks something in R, and some of the effects of the infection that made him a corpse/zombie begin to reverse, and he becomes human again.

Caring for another, loving another is a quintessential human act, and through doing something human, R becomes human again. Much like those in the concentration camps, his care for Julie is the meaning that gave him something to live for.

Adventures in Virtue Ethics: Hope

Since I started studying theology, I have known that I love morality and ethics, but I didn't realize until the beginning of last semester that virtue ethics is the only ethics that makes since to me. Don't get me wrong I still love Thomistic natural law theory, but it needs application and the best way see is virtue ethics which provides a way of living discipleship, which is more or less lost in Christianity today. You hear Christians talk about personal relationships with Christ, and accepting Him as your Lord and Savior, but very little about what that means for how a Christian should live her life. Being a Christian means imitating or following Christ. If we are to be followers or disciples of Christ we must follow the way He had set out for us, and to do so we must cultivate certain practices, virtues. 

Virtues are basically good habits or dispositions that an individual develops through practice or repetition of acts of the virtue. In other words, to gain courage, we must act courageously. Virtues provide guidance as to how we are to live in act, and they empower our practices that develop into out actions. Virtues enable us to act in specific ways and they are dispositions that need to be cultivated. While virtues develop and become ours by our practicing them, not all virtues are habits we can come by naturally, they must be infused in us. These infused dispositions are given to us by God and are thus called theological virtues. The theological virtues are faith, hope, and charity (love). These three virtues are the basis for an ethics of discipleship. 

Faith, of course, is foundational. It is the basis for Christian life and the development of hope and love. Faith of course leads to hope, if we believe in God we will have hope that what He has promised will be. Over and over in fundamental theology it was reiterated that the purpose of why we do theology is stated in 1 Peter 3:15, “Always be ready to give an account of your hope to those who demand it of you.” Part of how we can account for our hope is through our actions. Our response of faith to Jesus is to acknowledge our encounter with him in our hearts, acknowledging Jesus with our heart is the basis of conversion and living out discipleship. Merely confessing faith with the lips is somewhat empty. Talk is cheap, and one's encounter with Jesus and having faith in him means something for the way one is to live her life.

This is what discipleship is, acknowledging God with your heart in faith and witnessing to that faith through your actions. This is what faith should be for us today too, it should be known through our actions and living of love for one another than through the confession of our words. A person’s faith in Jesus necessarily makes her member of the Christian community.

For Christians, hope is the trust in the promise that God will bring to fruition what has been promised, namely, that if we believe in God, we will have eternal life. Typically hope is understood as focused on a future good. As a virtue, our hope should have implications the way we live our life. That we are a people of hope as Christians should be exemplified in our lives. How would anyone know we have hope if we are not living it? Hope is a necessary virtue to living in the face of adversity, the trust that what has been promised will be fulfilled, and that by continuing to live our faith; we can share in the fulfillment of the promise. Hope is the way we live our faith.

But hope is not only about when things are going well. We must also be able to account for our hope when we face adversity and challenges. If I cannot account for my hope in light of my present situations, I cannot account for my hope. Even when things are bleak, we should not lose hope. 

Planning to Plan to Plan and Falling Back on Hope

As the old joke goes, "If you want to see God laugh, make a plan." I must say I sort of had a plan for today, and it totally did not work out according to plan. I was really upset, but then I realized, it isn't the end of the world. It isn't even the last chance. There is still time, there is still opportunity, and I need to seize it.

I did realize though, in missing the chance, that it's a chance I don't want to miss. So many times I have let things slip by and regretted them later. Too often I let fear take control and get the last word. Over and over in my studies of ethics, I reiterate how we develop virtues by practicing them. So if I want to have courage I can only get it by doing courageous things, or if I want to have love, I must do loving things. I need to develop the habit so I can live it. And I cannot be brave or courageous by chickening out every chance I get.

So I'll face that fear and overcome it, but I'll cling to hope in the process. Not hope for the desired outcome (of course that is there as well), but hope that even if it doesn't go according to plan things will still be alright, I will survive, and I will carry on.

Over Thinking About Overthinking

So last night I watched "Love and Other Disasters." It is kind of a redo of "Breakfast at Tiffany's." But in this movie one character, Peter, over thinks the possible relationship with this guy he runs into in a hotel lobby. To the point he sees no point in having an actual relationship because he's lived it in his head, and so when he actually meets this guy, their encounter totally sucks.

I am not an over thinker to that extent, but I do tend to over think just about everything and worry too much about what people's actions and words mean. It gets problematic, and I get obsessive about it. The problem is compounded by my not reading people very well.

So at the advise of a good friends of mine, this is the end of my thinking about a current situation until something can possibly be done.

It's the first step in curbing this over thinking problem I have. Sure hope it works!

Every New Beginning . . .

Semi Sonic had it right, every new beginning does come from some other beginning's end.

And while those endings are sad when they happen, they open the way for all sorts of new beginnings and first. Like the first time you notice someone's smile. Or realize you love they way they say your name. Lasts are sad, but firsts are good. 

Thoughts at the end of the semester

So, here are some random thoughts for at the end of the semester:

• Sometimes you spend 20-30 hours writing a paper and you get an A-. Sometimes you spend that amount of time, or more on a paper, get a B+, and get told you didn't put effort into it.
• And, sometimes you spend spend like 7 hours on a paper that you really didn't put effort into and come out with an A.
• Sometimes in just a few short months you can meet people you really connect with and will miss terribly since they graduated and will be going their own separate ways.
• A good night's sleep can fix almost anything, or at least give you a better outlook at the start of a new day.
• Be careful who you tell you are discerning a religious vocation to, some will just dismiss it, and others will try and sign you up right then and there.
• Basically it comes down to, you win some, you lose some.

Freedom!

I don't remember the end of the semester ever feeling so good before. Walking home from turning in my last final I felt like I was walking on air, despite the pouring rain. Although, I was singing "Singin' in the Rain" to myself.

Oddly enough the activity I am most excited about having the summer free for is reading. I feel like I cannot read for fun during the semester because it makes me feel really guilty to read and not have it contribute to getting my work done. Instead I watch lots and lots of Hulu+. I know, I know.

I am also very excited that in about 54 days I will be back in the amazing State of Texas, if even just for a month and a half. :) I miss Texas and I miss my friends there. Although, Boston is growing on me.

I am just so excited to be done and free. I am halfway through with this degree. Now it's time to research PhD programs, well maybe that can wait until next week. 

5 Things that Suck about Spring Semester Final Exams

1. It is May, and gorgeous outside, and I am stuck inside trying to write papers.
2. It's May and I am supposed to focus.
3. It's the end of the whole school year, and I am burnt out.
4. It is a lot of work to do in a small amount of time. By next Tuesday around noon I need to have finished this 9 page take-home exam and reread(?) half of the massive amount of reading for my Church History oral exam. Then by Thursday at 4, my 20-30 page research paper on assisted suicide is due, which I have some books for, but haven't even started to look at, and Friday I have a 10 page paper due for John and Virtue Ethics, but I have to work that day during the day so it needs to be done before Friday, say what?
5. I just don't care anymore! Well, that isn't entirely true, but it is almost accurate. My "give-a-damn" is pretty broken.

5 Things I'd Rather Be Doing:

1. Sleeping. I went to sleep kind of late last night, feeling it this afternoon.
2. Baking cookies. I didn't get the chance yesterday like I wanted.
3. Soaking up some warm sunshine, but it isn't warm outside.
4. Actually being able to focus an accomplish something on this final I am working on.
5. Getting ice cream.

"How are you doing?"

How are you doing?

Simple enough question, but the response, not always so simple. Fr. John asked all of us this at the beginning of his homily this morning, in the light of the week we just experienced.

Personally, I am on the edge between being alright and feeling like everything is back to normal and an almost incapacitating fear. I hear sirens and look in all directions waiting for impending danger, that is usually not where to be found. Loud noises make me jump. But I carry on and do what I need to do.

This week has just been surreal, and this morning during Mass I thought to myself, "Where did I go to Mass last Sunday?" because the last Mass I attended at St. Cecilia's on Sunday seemed to be longer ago than just a week. Fr. John also mentioned that these events made him feel "energized," I totally get that too. Which is probably why my roommate and I were baking on Friday, oh I'm stuck inside? We need cupcakes and banana bread. Fight or flight is a reality, and when you experience that adrenaline rush and are stuck inside, what are you going to do?

It doesn't help that most of the day Friday I was glued to the TV hoping they'd say something other than the 5 pieces of information they had repeated over an over again. Finally, I tore myself away, until the final hour or so, when I watched pretty much holding my breath for fear at the fact these events were only 2 miles away, way too close for comfort, and way to real on my TV screen. When they finally captured him, I exhaled, I mean really exhaled, that was when I realized I wasn't really breathing. Shaken to the core.

Yesterday, it was back to work as normal, but I couldn't bring myself to focus on my school work, so I helped my roommate frost a box, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner (well heated it up), watched some TV, Tangled, and tried to decompress from this the longest week ever.

I intended to get up and go to Mass at 9:30 this morning, so I could get a better start on my day, but when my alarm went off at 7:30 I decided I needed to sleep more.

In some ways it seems like Monday and Friday were a lifetime ago, but then there are reminders that they just occurred. Like this morning at Kenmore, the inbound trains were delayed and then an officer came down with a dog sniffing the trash cans. I really hope that was just preventive  but it certainly put me on edge when I was already uneasy about going downtown and getting on a crowded bus or train, I never like crowds, but now I have more reasons to be uncomfortable.

This is a little of how I am doing, coping, as best as I can. One day at a time. 

Thoughts from today . . .

While I was sitting in the living room, a glance out the window showed me two things:

1. Guy running laps barefoot around the park across the street
2. Birds hopping on the ground and squirrels running through the trees.

With regards to the first I wondered what was wrong with that guy, that he would be out in the middle of an open field when were told to stay inside. I wondered if he didn't know, but I would think the lack of activity would seem strange. There are never not people and dogs in that park. There are never this few cars on the street. (The barefoot part got me based on the aforementioned dogs, like that almost might as well be a dog park, barefoot, really)

In regards to the second, I am envious of their lack of awareness, worry, and concern. The birds fly around unconcerned they hop in the grass. They worry not, but I awoke to disturbing news, ominous sirens, and a warning to lock myself inside my house. I am pretty calm, slightly annoyed at being stuck inside on such a beautiful day, but otherwise I'd be at work, so there is no difference there, but helicopters overhead are not a sound I am used to hearing. 

It is hard not to be slightly on edge, when a couple people endanger so many. And there are so many questions, but I am trying to trust that I am being looked after, cared for, and loved. I am trying to take this passage to heart:  

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil. Matthew 6:25-34

And in the midst of letting go of worry in the face of evil, these words from Saint Teresa of Avila should be remembered:

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

And we should be the love of Christ working in the world. We should be the peace the world cannot give. Above all we need to maintain a belief in the fundamental good of people. We need to not be discouraged in our call to love one another.

My Hands Are Holding You . . .

            So yesterday was a tragic day. I watched about five minutes of the marathon about noon on Comm Ave somewhere between mile 21 and 22, and then went to the library to work on a paper. That's when I learned about what happened, via a Facebook status.

            Then I spent hours watching streaming media and not doing my paper. I was upset, but since I thought I didn't know anyone in the marathon, I had a sense of detachment from this tragedy, and it was something that happened in the city I lived in, and I was affected merely by proximity. I received some messages, calls and texts from people checking on me to make sure I was alright, and I really felt the love.

            So I attended a prayer service with the community at my school and realized one of my classmates was running, I had no idea, my detachment shattered. She wasn't hurt physically, but she was affected. We all are, this empty feeling is consuming me and many “what if's” and “I am thankful that's” are floating around my head. Like what if I hadn't had so much homework and wanted to be in the midst of the action, or what if this had happened the morning before when I was very near that spot, and I am thankful for my dislike of crowds and slacking off on my assignments that kept me away. It's a lot to think about and a lot to process, and I cried a lot last night because sometimes that is the only way to cope.

            One of the songs used at the prayer service last night was “How Can I Keep From Singing” and one line from the refrain just stayed with me, “No storm can cloud my inmost calm, while to this rock I’m clinging,” and I am not sure if this was with me because it is true for me or if it is because it needs to be true for me.

            And this morning I woke up with a heavy heart and stepped out into a beautiful day: sunny and almost warm with a clear brilliant blue sky, and my thought was this is God showing us who is really in control, that while our hearts are broken, heavy, and sad, He truly makes all things new.

            Then I started thinking about the song "By My Side" by Tenth Avenue North. This song is so comforting:
"Here at my side wherever you fall/ In the dead of night whenever you call/ And please don't fight these hands that are holding you/ My hands are holding you/ 'Cause I, I love you/ I want you to know/ That I, yeah I'll love you/ I'll never let you go, no, no/ And I'll be by your side wherever you fall/  In the dead of night whenever you call/ And please don't fight these hands that are holding you/ My hands are holding you"

I think we need to remember that we are being held, we are loved, and someone much bigger is totally covering us.

            But even so, I am still shaken, and I am a little afraid I am trying to take these words to heart too, “Be not afraid!”

Feel the Burn . . .

I am feeling the burn right now, and it's name is burnout! It has happened towards the end of just about every semester of school I've experienced. Academically this semester was much much easier than last semester. I had less reading over all, less writing, and feel slightly more confident in expressing my voice rather than presenting the voices of others, but personally this semester has been really hard. I feel isolated, and part of that is me, and part of that is nursing a broken heart. Even though in some respects, my semester has been easier, I am still feeling burnt out at this point. I don't have much more to do, a five page paper for Tuesday, a 1200ish word essay for the following week, and my finals: a ten page paper on ethics in John, an oral exam, a take-home final, and the whopper, a 30 page paper). Having 4-5 weeks for all this it seems like a walk in the park. The problem is I have no motivation. Like tonight, I should work on that five pager, but I was just so worn out, I had to just take the night off and watch TV. I don't really feel bad about it though. Sometimes you just have to know when to say no, I need this time for me.

Just wage . . . a new twist?

Well it can't be too new, I wrote this about a decade ago, but this is a paper that even my professor was surprised that I chose as a topic.

Motherhood Deserves Just Compensation

     In 1891, when Pope Leo XIII issued the Encyclical Rerum Novarum[1], beginning the social justice movement in the Church, the just wage principle has been a major issue within social justice teaching.  This topic has reappeared in the Church’s social justice teaching for the century following the issuing of Rerum Novarum, including Pope John Paul II’s Encyclical Laborem Exercens[2](which was written for the ninetieth anniversary of Rerum Novarum), in which he proposes a new idea based on the just wage principle.  This new idea proposed by Pope John Paul II is just as laborers deserve just compensation for their labor, as labor is a mission to man (and woman), motherhood, as it is a special mission particular to women, also deserves just compensation.

In a discussion of this topic it seems necessary to explain the just wage principle, sometimes referred to as compensation, as proposed by Pope Leo XIII and expanded upon by Pope John Paul II.  The Popes have based the teaching on compensation on two Biblical passages, Genesis 3:19, “By the sweat of your face shall you get bread to eat,”[3] and Matthew 20:1-16 the parable of the workers in the vineyard.  Pope John Paul II uses the verse from Genesis in Laborem Exercens as the basis for the necessity of men’s labor.  Labor is the means by which men earn the money they need to be provident for themselves and their families.  In the parable of the vineyard, the employer goes into the market in the morning looking for men to work in his vineyard that day; at noon the employer goes back to the market place to find workers; and he repeats this again toward mid-afternoon.  At the end of the day, it is time for the employer to pay his workers, as instructed by the Law of Moses in Leviticus 19:13, “You shall not defraud or rob your neighbor. You shall not withhold overnight the wages of your day laborer.”  When the employer dispenses wages, he calls forth those hired last to be paid first and he pays them a full day’s wages, seeing this, those hired earlier in the day are expecting they shall be paid much more than a single day’s wages.  The employer next calls those hired at noon to receive their pay, he pays them the daily wage as well; when the workers hired at dawn are called to receive their wages, they are expecting a greater wage because they worked the whole day, and he has paid those who worked only part of the day the full daily wage.  The workers hired in the morning are angry when they receive only one day’s wage, to which the employer replies I agreed to pay you a daily wage, and it is my money.  Is it not my right to do with it what I please?  This passage expresses the obligation of employers to pay their workers enough to provide for their basic needs.

The Popes have used these two excerpts from Sacred Scripture to defend the just wage principle because work is the means by which man earns his daily bread, and “a dictate of natural justice”[4] demands that employers give their workers what is needed to sustain their lives, based on the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 22:39, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Because loving your neighbor entitles helping him to sustain his life by assisting him in providing for his basic needs and the needs of those he must care for.  The so-called “dictate of natural justice” Pope Leo XIII speaks of is the natural law that Saint Thomas Aquinas proposes in His Summa Theologiae, and in Question 100 Article 11, St. Thomas states that the commandments to love God, and love one’s neighbor as oneself are the first and common principles or precepts of the natural law.[5]

Pope Leo XIII expands on this idea when he states, “To labor is the exert oneself for the sake of procuring what is necessary for the various purposes of life, and chief of all for preservation.”[6]  Because of this a just wage is necessary to insure that the worker can preserve himself.  Pope Leo XIII also states that laborers and employers should be free to set their own wages, but “there underlies a dictate of natural justice more imperious and more ancient than any bargain between man and man, namely, wages ought not to be insufficient to support a frugal and well-behaved wage earner.”[7]  An employer has done a great injustice to his worker if he does not pay his worker what is necessary to for him to support himself.  Pope Leo XIII also says that the state needs to monitor employers to ensure that they are treating their employees fairly, and step in if employers are not respecting their employees.

Pope John Paul II expands on Pope Leo’s teaching by including the obligation to pay the worker what is necessary not only so he can support himself, but to be able to support his family also.  Pope John Paul II states, “The relationship between the employer and the worker is resolved on the basis of the wage, that is, through just remuneration for the work done.”[8]  Continuing, “just remuneration for an adult who is responsible for a family means remuneration which will suffice for establishing and properly maintaining a family and providing security for its future.”[9]

Similarly, the Catholic Encyclopedia says,

The present Catholic position may be summarized somewhat as follows: . . . the employer who can reasonably afford it is morally obliged to give all his employees compensation sufficient for decent individual maintenance, and his adult male employees the equivalent of a decent living not only for themselves but for their families.[10]

This means that pay should be based on the need of the worker, not just the amount of time the worker has put in laboring or the nature of the labor, but some objective idea to help preserve the lives of your worker and the worker’s family.  Although in a culture like the one in America today, where equality is usually understood to imply that everyone must be exactly equal in almost every respect, the paying of a family wage, based on the basic needs of the worker and his family is considered to be somewhat communist, because it denies that someone without children who does the exact same job, for the exact same amount of time deserves to be paid the same amount as another person who is the sole bread-winner for his family of 5.

     This emphasis on the family brings about the need to discuss the mission of motherhood.  According to Pope John Paul II, motherhood and virginity are the two vocations of woman.[11]  This is of course true of both men and women; a person is either called to the consecrated life or to married life, but the Pope speaks of the call to motherhood differently than the call to fatherhood.  Parenthood is shared between the mother and father, but “the woman’s motherhood constitutes a special “part” in this shared parenthood, and the most demanding part.”[12]  Because of the demanding nature of motherhood upon the woman, “It is therefore necessary that the man be fully aware that in their shared parenthood he owes a special debt to the woman.  No program of ‘equal rights’ between women and men is valid unless it takes this fact fully into account.”[13]  Pope John Paul II says that the child’s upbringing is the responsibility of both the mother and the father, but the mother is the one responsible for forming the personality of the child as a human.[14]  He also says that the humanity of the child is dependent upon the mother.[15]  Pope John Paul II believes that the mother should be at home raising her children, and “Having to abandon these tasks in order to take up paid work outside the home is wrong from the point of view of the good of society and of the family when it contradicts or hinders these primary goals of the mission of a mother.”[16]  He argues for a “Social reevaluation of the mother’s role.”[17]  He refers to the mother’s work as a kind of labor, and he asks people to consider motherhood by

The toil connected with it, and of the need that children have for care, love and affection in order that they may develop into responsible, morally and religiously mature and psychologically stable persons. It will redound to the credit of society to make it possible for a mother – without inhibiting her freedom, without psychological or practical discrimination, and without penalizing her as compared with other women – to devote herself to taking care of her children and educating them in accordance with their needs, which vary with age.[18]

The Pope says that it is necessary for the common good of society that provisions should be made so that mothers could be able to stay at home with their children.  Provisions should be made to allow mothers to stay home with their children because it is a parent, typically, who is the best moral teacher.  The things that motherhood require of a woman are equivocal to the labor done by men or women at their jobs, and as such they deserve just compensation just as any other labor demands just compensation.

     If compensation and the just wage principle are correctly understood, as well as the relation to the toil of the mother with the toil of the laborer, then it is clear that motherhood also deserves Just compensation.  This idea relates to what was stated above, “In their shared parenthood he owes a special debt to the woman.  No program of “equal rights” between women and men is valid unless it takes this fact fully into account.”[19]  But I believe the Pope includes this in relationship not only to father and mother and their share of responsibility in raising children, but also the relationship between a mother and a laborer, that in a way, the toil they endure is equivocal.  As Pope John Paul II says in his Letter to Women, “There is an urgent need to achieve real equality in every area: equal pay for equal work, protection for working mothers, fairness in career advancements, equality of spouses with regard to family rights and the recognition of everything that is part of the rights and duties of citizens in a democratic State.”[20] 

The Pope’s talk about compensation for mothers does not imply that the State should pay mothers to be mothers, but it does ask that programs be set up either by the government or employers to provide some sort of assistance to workers, either by tax cuts or grants.[21]  This idea of just compensation for mothers who choose to stay at home with their children and not enter the workforce leaving their children in daycare is not communist.  It is fundamentally rooted in Natural Law theory, and the first and common principles, according to Saint Thomas Aquinas, to love God, and love one’s neighbor as oneself.[22]  Loving your neighbor as oneself entitles that when one is able or in the position to, such as an employer, insure that his employee’s needs are provided for that one should.  Thus an employer has an obligation, based on the natural law to pay his laborer enough to allow the laborer to be provident for himself and those who are under his care.  Similarly, the State is under an obligation to ensure that a just wage is being paid, to safeguard the rights of its citizens.  Safeguarding the rights of citizens could also imply the use of other means. 

As the March 22, 1999 editorial in the Western Catholic Reporter, “Valuing Stay-at-home Parents,” states, “The current tax system is . . . giving a disincentive to be a stay-at-home parent.  It is saying that a parent’s contribution in the home is not as important as to society as the same parent’s contribution to the work force.”[23]  The author of this editorial says that stay-at-home parenting “ought to be treasured,” and that for government tax system not to offer fair treatment to both working and stay-at-home parents it unjust.[24]  The author is not calling for the government to pay stay-at-home parents as employees; he is just suggesting that the government treat all parents fairly.  It seems this is what Pope John Paul II is calling for, but in a very narrow sense.  It seems the Pope wants the government and employers to realize the tremendous value a mother has when she is active, full-time, in the home with her children, more or less, depending on the age and needs of the children.  John Paul II directly states that he believes it beneficial to the common good of society, for mothers to stay at home with their children.  As such, provisions should be made, either by employers or the State to protect this. 

A question that could arise for this discussion could be, what about stay-at-home fathers, does the same apply?  It seems, as though, if this just wage principle truly is based one the natural law, that yes, this does apply to the father who chooses to make his career raising his children.  In today’s society, this is not uncommon, many women have better careers than their husbands, and as such they choose to be the breadwinner in the family while the father stays home with the children.  Pope John Paul II appears to be arguing more for the good of the family in general in his idea of just compensation for mothers, as he is for just wanting the dignity and value of motherhood in itself to be realized.

In conclusion, it seems rather apparent that based on Pope Leo XIII’s Encyclical, Rerum Novarum, that all laborers are entitled to a just wage for their labor, as Genesis 3: 19 emphasizes, that work is how man is to receive his daily bread.  And expanding on this teaching, Pope John Paul II, in his encyclical, Laborem Exercens, develops the just wage principle to include a family wage, which is that the just wage ought to be large enough to provide for the needs of the laborer and those the laborer cares for.  Also, because Pope John Paul II stresses the mission of motherhood, and compares the toil of the mother to the toil of the laborer, he says that just a the laborer’s labor is deserving of just compensation, so too is the labor of the stay at home mother worthy of just compensation.  Possible means for the just compensation of stay-at-home parents include, family wages, grants, tax cuts, and other State or privately run programs.  Pope John Paul II’s conviction that it is for the common good that whenever possible a child’s parents should stay at home to care for him is absolutely correct.  Children cannot learn proper morals from a day care center, and proper morals need to be instilled in children all over the world, not just in America.

---

[1] Pope Leo XIII, Rerum Novarum (May 15, 1891).

[2] Pope John Paul II, Laborem Exercens (September 14, 1981).

[3] New American Bible, St. Joseph Medium Sized Ed. (New York [NY]: Catholic Book Publishing Co., 1970) used throughout.

[4] Rerum Novarum p. 45.

[5] Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica: First Part of the Second Part (New York: Benzinger Brothers, Inc., 1947). I-II 100.11c.

[6] Rerum Novarum p. 44.

[7] Ibid. p. 45.

[8] Laborem Exercens n. 19.1.

[9] Ibid. n. 19.3.

[10] John A. Ryan, “Catholic Encyclopedia: Compensation,” New Advent.

[11] Pope John Paul II, Mulieris Dignitatem (August 15, 1988) n. 17.

[12] Ibid. n. 18.

[13] Ibid.

[14] Ibid.

[15] Ibid. n. 19.

[16] Laborem Exercens n. 19.4.

[17] Ibid.

[18] Ibid.

[19] Mulieris Dignitatem n. 18.

[20] Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women (June 29, 1995) n. 4.

[21] Laborem Exercens n. 19.6.

[22] Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica: First Part of the Second Part (New York: Benzinger Brothers, Inc., 1947). I-II 100.11c.

[23] “Valuing Stay-at-home Parents,” Western Catholic Reporter.

[24] Ibid.