Brokenness: Allowing for Growth in Faith and Love

This is a paper I wrote for my C.S. Lewis course. I just wanted to share.

Pain, suffering, and experiences of brokenness can be good for man, especially for Christians on their faith journey. In The Problem of Pain, C. S. Lewis asserts that “pain insists upon being attended to.”[1] Suffering, pain, and brokenness can take us out of ourselves and orient us to the other. Often our experiences of pain and brokenness can move us to deeper love for God. Further, Lewis proclaims, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”[2] Pain is our indication that something is not right, that something must change. Only a fool would really, truly honestly seek change when everything is good, but it is those times that we are broken, shattered, and torn that we seek change, growth, and restoration, and ultimately seek God. When your world is disrupted, shattered, broken, that is when you seek change. This is when you seek a savior, someone to put the pieces back together.

There are three ways of examining the problem of pain. One could view it as a state of life as The Man in Black in The Princess Bride does, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”[3] Pain is merely a fact of life, it has no meaning. It is inevitable. It just is. Another view is that pain is an inexplicable evil, it cannot be rationalized or understood, although, this view really is just an extension of the first, that pain exists, and it is a reality, but it is meaningless, inconceivable. The third way of examining pain would be to see it as useful, as tool, in that, pain makes us move. Pain is a sign that something is not right, and a change needs to occur. This is why there is a “universal human feeling that bad men ought to suffer.”[4] Lewis declares, “Once pain has roused him, he knows that he is in some way or other ‘up against’ the real universe: he either rebels . . . or else makes some attempt at an adjustment, which, if pursued, will lead him to religion.”[5] Pain exists so that they might be drawn out of their badness, be punished for their wrongdoings, or change their wicked ways. This view of pain underscores divine justice and mercy the most. Happiness is the result of conformity to the truth, conforming to God. Insofar as one is not living according to the truth, she cannot have true happiness, pain serves as a reminder or push to reorient her to the truth.

The periods of brokenness in my life have lead me to seek God more closely, and realize that I cannot fix myself. The scars are too deep, and the pieces are too small. I need someone greater than I to fix the mess, and during these time I have turn to God for healing and for direction. This is why, when reading The Four Loves, when C. S. Lewis discusses accepting sufferings, I was so moved at his assertion, “We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.”[6] Sometimes, we choose to love someone who is not good for us or in an inordinate way, and this love distracts and pulls us away from our relationship with God, and this is when God breaks our heart. This is the grace of tears, but the good news is that according to Psalm 147, God heals the broken hearted. So even if God must break our hearts, He is there to heal them. He is the only cure for a broken heart, for He Himself was broken on the cross because of His love for us.

Choosing to love, we always run the risk of being broken, but if we don’t take the chance and love, there is no way for us to grow and reach perfection. As such, one of the most profound things that Lewis wrote is:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.[7]

Real love, always involves risk. Anytime we open ourselves to another in love we risk getting hurt. As one who wears her heart on her sleeve, I know this all too well, but for every experience of love lost and every heartbreak I have grown closer to God and learned more about myself and love in the process. In Till We Have Faces, at her judgment, Orual imparts, “I was pierced through and through with the arrows of it. I was being unmade. I was no one.”[8] Like Orual, we must be broken in order to know ourselves, we know ourselves most clearly in times of pain and suffering.

Life is a love story, between us and God and through our love for God, us and other individuals as well. Life may not always seem like a love story and sometimes we grow deeper or less in love. We may love someone, but either our choices or his are incompatible, and they cannot be reconciled. Our choices can lead us in different directions, and the choice to take our live in different directions can lead to the breaking of our hearts. This is especially true in a love not centered in God, not guided by Him and in the hope of leading us closer to Him. Although, love always involves a choice, a commitment, and as such if the love is strong, true, and rooted and governed by agape, it can supersede our choices or guide us to choose the person rather than our other desires.

There is always an element of suffering in love, as the purest expression of love, is Christ’s death on the cross, and it is the greatest suffering. However, inordinate love, or love not guided by agape can cause worse suffering because it lacks the joy we find in loving others through or with our love for God. As Saint Paul proclaims, love, agape, “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”[9] This is why Christ’s love for us is most fully expressed in His suffering and death on the cross. Just as suffering expresses His love for us, our suffering can lead us to grow in love for Him.






[1] C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (New York: Harper One, 1996), 91.


[2] Ibid.


[3] Anonymous The Princess Bride, directed by Rob Reiner et al. (Beverly Hills, CA: MGM DVD : Distributed by Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, 2007).


[4] Lewis, The Problem of Pain, 91.


[5] Ibid., 93.


[6] C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (Boston: First Mariner Books, 1988), 122.


[7] Ibid., 121.


[8] C. S. Lewis, Till we have Faces : A Myth Retold (San Diego: Harcourt Brace & Co, 1984), 307.


[9] 1 Corinthians 13:7.

Honestly . . .

Honestly, I am not looking forward to Spring Break next week because without classes, it won't have enough distraction for me. Funny how I have enough trouble concentrating and usually don't want to be in class when I have them, it is a nice distraction from dealing with myself and this situation. Even now, I should be reading these last 2 chapters of this book before class at 4, but instead I am playing around on the internet and writing this blog post. It's so hard to focus when I feel so ripped about apart internally. It is like how and I supposed to pay attention to one task when I feel like I am in a million pieces? 12 days ago I sent Peter a letter and I have had no response. It is all I can do not to text or email him to see if he got it. I just miss him so much. I still cannot believe I was so easily cast aside, and that I am the only one who is left hurting so much. I am filled with emptiness and despair, but he's just fine (well presumably). It just sucks! I wish I could go back in time and undo this. I just keep thinking about a line from one of my favorite Kelly Pease songs, "I hate what's new, I miss what's old." I hate believing and trusting in lies; it shakes me to my core. I just want things the way they were, when he was mine, and I was his. :(

Too Stressed to be Blessed . . .

Wait, I think I got that wrong. I am very blessed, even in the midst of all this stress. I was half successful in getting my assignments done on time, and with the other 2, well thank goodness for nice professors who are willing to give extensions, the one I was granted this morning is my 3rd this semester. I am relieved that my professors all seem to care so much about having me do well and be successful in school. If the opposite were true, I don't think I could make it through this program.  

Things Standing Between Me and Freedom

Things standing between me and freedom, or what I have to have completed by 2 weeks from tomorrow:

• Work 8 - 4 on Saturday and 3 - 11:30 on Sunday (which means I am not getting home 'til almost 1)
• Read ~30 page for Fundamental Theology by Monday
• Read ~100 pages for Doctrine of God and write a 1 page paper by Monday at Noon
• Write a 250 word response paper for 3 Doctors of the Church by Wednesday
• Read 84 pages for Fundamental Moral on Friday
• Answer 3 Questions, 1000 words each for my exam in Fundamental Theology by 9 AM on Monday, Dec. 10
• Read ~60 pages to finish the Johnson book, read the USCCB's statement and her response
• Write 2 papers about the above (10 and 5 pages) by Noon, Tuesday, Dec. 11
• Write a 20 page paper of Natural Law and Freedom by Noon, on Tuesday Dec. 11 (yes, at the same time as the other one!!)
• Write a 15 page paper about Hildegard of Bingen and her music by Noon, Thursday Dec. 13
• Plus work the weekend of Dec 8 and 9, well hopefully not on the 9th, I asked for that off.

I am gonna be a busy girl the next two weeks. Please pray for me to stay focused so I can get all this done. 

Day 23

I am thankful for taking yesterday off of work, even if it means I have more to do today than I have time for. I really needed the break. 

Unanswered Prayers or Blessing in Disguise?

So I was flipping through my journal from when I gave my BYA talk, because sometimes I need to read the affirmations from my fellow speakers, and I found an entry I wrote about St. Monica

From August 27, 2007 about 7 PM (in Adoration)

Today is the feast of St Monica, the patron saint of unanswered prayers.

Monica is just about the ultimate example of palanca. She lifted Augustine up in prayer everyday for years, seemingly without success.

He remained the faithless playboy he had been.

But deep down God was working, bringing Augustine to Ambrose.

It's funny how we think of our prayers and the way we want them answered, but God has different plans.

Monica probably wanted a quick, Paul-on-the-way-to-Damascus conversion for Augustine, but instead it was years and years, subtle turn by subtle turn.

Had Augustine had an instantaneous conversion, I think we'd lack an incredible example in our church. I know I relate better to Augustine than to someone like Therese of Lesieux.

Plus, Augustine opened the way for intellectuals in the Church. Without him theology wouldn't be what it is today.

St Monica has me thinking about unanswered prayers in my life. If prayers = instant gratification, I don't think that would be good. I have to agree with Garth Brooks--sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know the spacing and line breaks are strange, but I wanted to copy this how it was in the journal.

Happy Feast of Saint Francis of Assisi

In honor of St Francis, I give you a poorly written paper on his life that I wrote the night before it was due during my undergrad.  Good Times!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Life of St. Francis and the Art it Inspired

In the year 1182 in the small Umbrian city of Assisi, Italy, a man was born who would forever change Christian art and thinking: Francis Bernardone.  Francis’ teaching had a tremendous influence on art.  One look around Assisi and Francis’ influence cannot be missed.  The Basilica of San Francesco, the most noticeable monument to Francis that can be seen in Assisi, contains three chapels - the upper church, the lower church, and the crypt chapel containing the tombs of Francis and four of his brothers.  The upper church at San Francesco is decorated with many frescoes, but 28 stand out because they present the life of St. Francis.  These paintings often referred to as the “Legend/Life of St. Francis,” are believed to have been painted by Giotto di Bondone and his school[1].  The Giotto sequence in the upper church parallels the life of Francis to the life of Christ.  This sequence is very significant in the art and thought of the Church because it was the first time it had been done.  Francis, whose life went from being a fighter to a builder, was very important in the building of the kingdom of heaven.

            Francis Bernardone was born into the Assisi merchant class, his father a wealthy cloth merchant and his mother thought to be from Province nobility; Francis was one of several children[2].  He was baptized at Santa Maria Maggiore in Assisi, in the font that was moved to San Rufino at its completion (St Clare was also baptized in this font).  His mother baptized him John after John the Baptist.  However, when his father returned home from business in France, he called him Francis.  Francis’ father taught him the family business.  One day in his father’s shop, a beggar came in and begged in the name of Christ of Francis and he turned him away only to realize what he had done and tracked down the beggar so he may give him something.  It was that day that Francis decided to never turn away anyone who begged of him in the name of Christ[3].  At the time of Francis’ birth, there were three classes in Assisi, the nobility; which you could only be born into; the merchant class; and the poor.  During this time, there was a struggle between the nobility and the merchant class.  Francis, in his young adulthood wanted to move up between the classes, so he became a knight and went off to fight.  He participated in the revolt against the German count, lord of Assisi and found himself imprisoned in Perugia.  After his imprisonment, Francis became ill, but at the first chance after he recovered his health, he set off to fight in Apulia.  Before he left, he encountered a noble knight who was poverty stricken and exchanged cloaks with the man.  Before his departure, Francis dreamt of a room full of weapons.  When he inquired to whom they belonged, he was told they were his; thus, Francis set off the next day to Apulia.  When he reached Spoleto, he had another dream where he was asked if it was better to serve the master or servant.  When he answered the master, he was asked, “Why do you serve the servant instead of the master the poor instead of the rich?”  It was then he realized the Lord was speaking to him, and he was instructed to return home where he would be told what he was to do[4].  This was when Francis chose to take as his bride Lady Poverty.  He also decided to take a pilgrimage to Rome to visit the tombs of the Apostles.  When in Rome he exchanged clothing with a beggar and sat at the door to St. Peter’s begging[5].  After his return to Assisi while in prayer at San Damiano, the crucifix spoke to him and told him to “rebuild my church.”  Francis took this message literally as the church of San Damiano had fallen into ruin; thus, he began to physically rebuild the church of San Damiano.  Francis got the money to rebuild the church by taking cloth from his father’s shop and selling it to pay for the materials.  Francis’ father was not happy with him taking the cloth from his shops and spending the profits, so he imprisoned Francis in a closet.  During his father’s absence, his mother released him.  He took refuge at San Damiano with the priest there until his father called him before the civil authorities to force him to give up his inheritance where Francis declared that since had he was no longer under civil jurisdiction since he had entered the service of God.  Thus he was called before the Bishop where he removed his clothing and gave them to his father, denouncing him saying, “Hitherto I have called you my father on earth; henceforth I desire to say only ‘Our Father who art in Heaven.’”[6]  Legend has it that the Bishop wrapped his cloak around Francis symbolizing the acceptance of his mission by the Church.  After this, Francis continued his mission to rebuild the church, begging for stones; he repaired San Damiano, Saint Peter’s, and the shrine of the Porziuncola.  Francis took on the lifestyle of poverty as directed in the gospel and was joined by three followers - Bernard of Quintavalle, Peter of Cattaneo, and Giles.  The four went out in pairs, making an impression with their words and behavior.  As a result, it was not long before several people grouped themselves around Francis ready to share his poverty[7].  When their numbers had reached eleven, the first rule of the Friars minor was composed, and the friars set out for Rome to gain the approval of the Holy See.  At first Innocent III rejected them.  It is said that Innocent, the Pope at the time, had a dream that Francis was holding up the Basilica of St. John Lateran, and he asked to speak to Francis and he gave verbal approval for his order.  In 1211 due to the generosity of the Benedictines, Francis and his brothers were given the Porziuncola, the chapel of St. Mary of the angels.  The first Franciscan convent was established by there by the building of several huts, shortly after Francis and the friars were joined by new recruits, among them Angelus Tancredi, Leo and Rufinus[8].  In 1212, Clare joined Francis order.  On Palm Sunday, at the age of eighteen, after being impressed by Francis’ preaching, Clare ran away from her father’s house to the Porziuncula where she was received by Francis and his brothers.  Francis clothed her in a “rough tunic and a thick veil”[9] and cut her hair.  Because there was no women’s convent, Francis arranged for Clare to stay with the local Benedictine sisters.  She remained there until her sister had joined her, whose name was changed to Agnes because Clare’s prayers saved her from being drug away by the twelve, armed men her father sent to fetch her[10].  Francis established them in a convent adjacent to San Damiano, now in good condition by the work of Francis’ hands[11].  Clare and her sisters took a very strict vow of poverty, to have nothing but what the brothers could beg for them.  Cardinal Ugolino, who was named protector of the order, thought it was unrealistic for the cloistered sisters to live off only what the brothers could gain for them by begging.  Therefore, he set up the sisters’ rule very much like that of the Benedictine sisters.  Clare was not satisfied with this; she wanted the privilege of poverty, to be able to rely solely on begging and God’s providence.  Clare spent a good part of her life asking the popes to approve her rule and finally, two days before she died, Innocent IV “solemnly confirmed the definitive Rule of the Clares.”[12]  Clare had a special devotion to the Holy Eucharist.  She is often depicted holding a ciborium because during the attacks of Frederick II Clare stood at the doorway to the sisters’ dwelling at San Damiano holding the ciborium and the men fled[13].  Clare is responsible for starting the second order of the three orders of Franciscans, the Poor Clares.  When Clare died, the people of Assisi wanted her body inside the city because twice the prayers of she and the sisters saved the city from destruction.  In homage, they erected the Basilica of Santa Chiara as a monument for her just as they erected San Francesco for Francis because she is his female equivalent[14].  When Francis wanted to give his life wholly over to contemplation, become a hermit, Clare convinced him to keep his presence in the world, although for the most part Francis never truly separated the active and the contemplative life[15].  However, Francis often hiked up Mount Subasio to the Carceri, caves in the limestone called prisons, with his brothers Leo and Rufinus, to spend time alone in contemplative prayer[16]; each had a cave to themselves at the hermitage. 

Many stories are attributed to Francis illustrating his control over creation.  For instance, the story of Francis silencing the birds, he and one of his brothers were at a Venetian Lagoon and they heard some birds singing.  Francis and his brother decided they should sing their office with the birds, but the birds were so loud that they could not hear each other, so Francis asked the birds to be quiet until they had finished praying, and the birds were silent until Francis told them to sing again[17].  Also the story of “the Miracle of the Spring,” Francis, feeling ill and weak was riding on a donkey leant to him by a peasant, when the peasant started complaining of thirst.  Francis asked for God’s assistance, and water sprang forth from a rock, where never before had water been found and water has not been found since.  This creates parallel between Francis and Moses, making water flow from a rock[18].  Francis had a great love of creation, which could possibly be attributed to the Albigencian heresy, the belief that Jesus was only true God, and not true man.  Francis fought this heresy by emphasizing the humanity of Christ creating the first nativity scene, Christmastime of the year 1223.  He also placed a great emphasis on the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, possibly even starting the devotion of the Stations of the Cross.  In his fight against Albigencianism, Francis chose to celebrate the humanity of Christ, and the goodness of all creation, in a time when creation and humanity were thought to be evil.  In 1216, while he was in prayer at the Porziuncula, Christ appeared to Francis and offered him any favor he desired.  Francis being concerned greatly with the salvation of souls, he asked for a plenary indulgence for those who confess their sins in the Porziuncula[19].  This was early in the pontificate of Honorius III, he agreed, but limited the indulgence to just one day, August 2[20].  Francis’ preaching drew large crowds.  People were “allured by the magic spell of his presence, admiring crowds, unused for the rest to anything like popular preaching in the vernacular, followed Francis from place to place hanging on his lips . . . the extraordinary enthusiasm with which the saint was everywhere welcomed was equaled only by the immediate and visible result of his preaching”[21].  Francis was very influential in the rise of the vernacular, he preached in the vernacular and wrote in the vernacular, for example his famous “Canticle of the Creatures” was written in his dialect. 

The Third Order of Franciscans, the Brothers And Sisters of Penance was founded somewhere around the year 1221 in Camara, a small village near Assisi where the people were so moved by what Francis taught they wanted to be part of his community.  Third Order Franciscans are not to “carry arms, or take oaths, or engage in lawsuits, etc.”[22]  The event that symbolizes the culmination of paralleling Francis’ life to Christ occurred in September of 1224; Francis becomes the first person to receive the wounds of Christ, the stigmata.  “The saints right side was described as bearing an open wound which looked as if made by a lance, and while through his hands and feet were black nails of flesh, the points of which were bent backward.”[23]  At the reception of the stigmata, Francis’ body was already weak and the pains that cause were tremendous.  Two years later, when he felt death was near, Francis asked to be taken to the Porziuncula, so that he might die in the place he loved so much.  Francis died October 3, 1226.  After his death, his body was taken by the church of San Damiano so that Clare and her sisters might say their goodbyes and venerate the stigmata, and Francis’ body was buried in the church of St. George in Assisi until the double Basilica of San Francesco could be built.  It is said that the saint wanted to be buried on Colle d’Inferno, a hill west of Assisi that served as the gallows[24], and it is on that spot that the Basilica of San Francesco stands today. 

            The construction of the basilica took twenty-seven years to build the entire complex, both upper and lower church.  Nevertheless, by the year 1230, the lower church of the basilica was ready to receive the body of St. Francis, and he is buried under the main altar in the lower church where in the nineteenth century the crypt chapel was built around his tomb.  Attached to the Basilica of San Francesco is a convent for Franciscan friars, the entire complex of the churches and the convent is thirteen stories tall.  Between the two levels, the basilica is decorated with the most frescoes in one location, depicting scenes from the Old Testament, the Life of Jesus, the life of St. Francis, and the virtues.  Frescoes have been nicknamed the poor man’s art, as they provide a good teaching tool for the illiterate.  At this time, the majority of the world could not read so the churches were decorated with frescoes that told the message the Church wanted taught.  One of the most famous fresco painters at the time the Basilica of San Francesco was being decorated was Giotto di Bondone. 

Giotto was born in 1266 in a village near Florence.  He was a student of Cimabue.  Around 1290, he began work on the upper bays of the upper church at San Francesco and painted the St. Francis cycle from 1296 to 1299.  Not all of the 28 frescoes in this cycle can be attributed to Giotto; his school did some.  Some consider Giotto the greatest gothic painter because his style made the definitive break between the Byzantine and Italian Gothic styles.  Giotto began to model his figures, making them appear to have three dimensions, and began to create the illusion of space in his paintings.  Some think the images of St. Francis painted by Giotto in the upper church bear the closet resemblance to the way the saint actually looked.  The upper Church is the first time that the life of a man was ever paralleled to the life of Christ. 

The second painting in the cycle is of Francis giving his cloak to a knight of noble birth who was very poor.  As far as the paintings of Giotto go, this was one of the first in the cycle he painted; his style is set and distinguishable by this point.  This painting is stylistically set up to divine the religious and secular life, with the town of Assisi on the left and the Abbey of San Benedetto on the right[25].

The next painting is the vision of the palace.  This depicts Francis’ dream while on his way to Apuila to become a knight of a building full of weapons.  When he asks to whom they belong he is told they are for him and his soldiers, he takes this to mean he is supposed to be a knight.  Until he is asked, “who is it better to serve a servant or the master?” to which Francis replied, “the master of course,” and the voice responds, “then why do you serve the servant?”  It was then that Francis knew it was God and the Lord and returned to Assisi to discover God’s plan for him[26]. 

This is followed by the miracle of the crucifix After his dream, Francis was praying before the painted crucifix at the church of San Damiano just outside the city of Assisi and from the crucifix, three times the voice of Jesus told Francis to go and rebuild his Church.  Which actually alluded to the Church of Rome, but Francis set out to rebuild the church of San Damiano that had fallen into a state of near ruin.  He continued to rebuild two other churches before he came to understand that he was being called to rebuild the Body of Christ, not the church buildings[27].  Once he got the message, Francis made quite a difference in the rebuilding of the Church. 

The next fresco shows Francis disowning his father.  At the top of the painting in the center there is a hand with two fingers extended that lines up with Francis’ outstretched hand, as if to communicate God’s approval of Francis’ choice.  In addition, in this painting the hand of Francis’ father is being held to prevent him from hitting Francis.  The bishop wrapping his cloak around Francis symbolizes the Church accepting and embracing Francis’ mission[28]. 

After Francis had gathered some followers, he drafted up a rule of life for them, and went to get the order approved by the pope at the time, Innocent III.  He would not see him, until after one night when Innocent had a dream that a “miserable little poor man” was holding up the Basilica of St. John Lateran, and he recognized him as the beggar outside the church and asked to speak to him and the Friars Minor were a recognized order. 

The next painting in the cycle represents this.  Following the Dream of Innocent III is the painting of the Confirmation of the rule.  This painting shows Innocent III giving Francis verbal approval for his order.  Thus, Francis had authorization to preach the Gospel[29]. 

Another important thing that Francis did was to create the first nativity scene.  Francis celebrated creation in a time when most people saw all creation as evil, and the biggest heresy of the time insisted that Jesus was not true man because humanity was evil.  So what did Francis do?  He celebrated the humanity of Christ, Christmas time, 1223; Francis sets up the first nativity scene to commemorate the birth of Christ, a celebration of Christ humanity, which at the time flew in the face of everything everyone believed in.  Francis not only celebrated the birth of Christ but also held very dear the Passion, Death and Resurrection of Christ, also emphasizing Christ humanity because if Christ was not human he could not have suffered or died for our sins.  Francis was also greatly concerned with the salvation of man, and Christ dying for the sins of man is very important in that.  This painting of the crib at Greccio is very important because it shows Francis’ focus on the humanity of Christ and in turn all creation. 

The next painting in the cycle is the miracle of the spring, when Francis was on his way to Mount La Verna and riding on the donkey of a poor laborer because he was very weak and ill, and that laborer complained of great thirst.  Francis asked God for assistance, and from a rock sprang water, where water had never before flown and has never flown since.  This painting was largely done by one of the followers of Giotto, not Giotto himself[30].

The painting that truly emphasizes the parallel between Francis and Christ is the one depicting the impression of the Stigmata.  This is important because it shows that Francis’ life was similar enough to Christ’s that he was worthy of suffering the wounds of Christ.  This painting shows the six-winged seraph impressing on Francis the five wounds of Christ, nails in the hands and feet and a wound on his side.  The stigmata caused Francis’ already frail body very much pain[31]. 

The cycle continues with a painting of Francis’ death.  He died near the Porziuncula his beloved chapel, in a hut that served as the infirmary.  This painting depicts the night of his passing with all the brothers, and the ascension of his soul to heaven.  Francis considered the porziuncula the place where he had received true life, and that is why he wanted to die near there.  The spot where he died is now the Chapel of the Transitus in the Basilica of St. Mary of the Angels, located next to a convent of Franciscan friars.  It is said that the brothers who were with Francis when he died witnessed his soul ascending to heaven, received by a star[32].

The life of St. Francis was very influential in reforming the religious life of the Church of the Middle Ages, as well as changing Christian thinking and art.  Francis truly took the Lord’s command to him to “rebuild my Church” to heart, and he accomplished his mission in two ways, he physically rebuilt three churches and with the foundations of the Three orders of Franciscans, he was very influential in the rebuilding of the Church as the Body of Christ.  He chose to live a life of poverty at a time when most members of the clergy and religious life were living lives of luxury and wealth.  Francis truly lived the Gospel; it is no wonder that the saying, “Preach the Gospel, use words if necessary” is attributed to him.  He truly lived the Gospel and saved his preaching for the times that his brothers just did not get the message.  Francis truly was the great builder.

---

[1] Although some believe that neither Giotto nor his school painted them

[2] Source: Catholic Encyclopedia: St. Francis of Assisi

[3] St Francis of Assisi Von Matt pg 3

[4] Ibid.  Pg 9

[5] Ibid.  Pg 11

[6] Catholic Encyclopedia: St Francis of Assisi

[7] Ibid.

[8] Ibid.

[9] Catholic Encyclopedia: St. Clare of Assisi

[10] Dictionary of Saints pg 148

[11] Catholic Encyclopedia: St. Clare of Assisi

[12] Ibid.

[13] Ibid.

[14] Ibid.

[15] Catholic Encyclopedia: St Francis

[16] Von Matt pg 31

[17] Ibid.  Pg 37

[18] Ibid.  Pg 45 and Dozzini pg 35

[19] Catholic Encyclopedia: St Francis

[20] Ibid.

[21] Ibid.

[22] Ibid.

[23]Ibid.

[24] Ibid.

[25] Dozzini Pg 11

[26] Ibid.  Pg 13

[27] Ibid.  Pg15

[28] Ibid.  Pg 17

[29] Ibid.  Pg 21

[30] Ibid.  Pg. 35

[31] Ibid.  Pg 45

[32] Ibid.  Pg 47

The Waiting

I am in a place of waiting on several things lately. I did my graduate school applications and I am waiting for my former professors to send their letters and the schools to decide if they want me. I am waiting for Christmas, I know what one of my presents is already, and I am really excited about getting it. I am waiting for people to buy my scarves on Etsy, and I am waiting to figure out what's next.

Seeing as it's Advent, it is an appropriate time of year to be waiting, but that doesn't make it any easier. Prior to last Sunday, in the middle of the Lord's Prayer at Mass, the priest would say, "protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ." Now it's something about awaiting the blessed hope, I could look it up, but I am not going to. That quote is what Advent is all about, waiting for Jesus's promised return. I like Advent, but it is hard to get into the spirit of Advent, waiting for the Lord to come, when you have been practicing Christmas music since August. 

But all these things I am waiting on propel me into the Advent spirit.  So I am trying not to be anxious, which is hard for me, and be joyful as I wait to hear what is happening with grad school.

In other news, I have lost 16 pounds in the 2 months I have been on my diet. :)  And that includes pigging out on Pull-a-part on Thanksgiving, 2 desserts and 3 beers on Friday, and totally eating everything in sight last night.  Go me! 

And now for your listening pleasure, "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers because really, "the waiting is the hardest part."

The Summons

On Sunday, we sang this song, "The Summons" at Mass, and I love the words, but I am not thrilled with the tune, so I kind of don't like the song, but that is neither here nor there, because I m concerned with the lyrics.


It got me thinking, how often does God call us to something, and we ignore it, or say no God, after I do this or that, then I can do what you are calling me to.  And, it has me wondering, is that what I am doing with my postponing applying to grad school?  Ignoring a call?  I mean sure I have a lot of reasons for putting it off, and there are many valid excuses, but it makes me wonder, even though I feel good about the decision.  I always seem to think I know better though, like I feel tugged in this direction, but no, I want to do that and I will regardless if doing the other might be so much better for me.  


I am not sure I want to answer a call, "and never be the same," except trying to avoid change is impossible for a human here on earth, we are in a constant state of change, getting older, cells dividing, dying, etc.  Change is inevitable we get older every second.  It's pride, I know, but it doesn't change the sentiment, thinking I know what's best for me, better than God.  I get burned most of the time too, but it doesn't seem to make me want to do anything differently.  I know God will never call me to something that isn't the exact perfect right fit, but still, I can't trust and follow.  I am ruled by fear and cowardice.  


I think about this quote a lot:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." Marianne Williamson


I am not really afraid of failing, I am scared that I am actually going to accomplish something and then what?  I'll have to do something else?  It's not that I am lazy, it's more that I m afraid of my potential, figuring out what I m actually capable of, it's scary.  Am I alone in my fear of success, I was looking at a list of phobias, the fear of failure was there, but no fear of success, or maybe people just aren't as honest about what they are really scared of.




The Summons by John Bell
1. Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?

2. Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
In you and you in me?

3. Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?

4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

5. Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.

Day 2 - What's in a Name

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

Why did I name my blog "Whisperings of a Wandering Heart?" I am not really sure. It was the subtitle of my Live Journal, Life or Something Like It. Which is the title of an Angelina Jolie movie, but I often feel like her, like I am living someone else's life or the life someone else expects from me.

Anyway, back to my blog name. Usually I blog about my feelings, as a way to deal with stuff and purge, and feelings are the language of he heart or soul in that classical, philosophical sense, so my blog posts are the way those whisperings of my heart are communicated. And my heart is wandering because life is a journey. We seek and move our way through it. Also the name is somewhat poetic, and I used to write a lot of poetry.

Day 1 - I Think I Can!

Ok so since I am so horrible at actually blogging, I am 30 day challenging myself.  :)

Here's the List:
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.


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So, Day  One: A Recent Picture and 15 interesting (they'll be facts, I don't promise interesting) facts about yourself.

It's recent, from like 5 minutes ago. :)

1. I love pasta, I think I could eat it everyday.
2. You won't believe this if you have known me a while, but I am actually pretty shy, I don't like being in large groups with a lot of people I don't know.
3. I am terrified of trying things, because I am horribly afraid of success.  
4. I wear my heart of my sleeve.
5. I fully believe that everyone is good, and I am really trusting, but if you lose my trust, you probably won't get it back.
6. I have a really good memory, especially for useless information.
7. I actually really do like Twilight, even though I think the books and movies are dumb, the story is told fairly well, and I have read the books multiple times and own the movies, Eclipse is by far my favorite.
8. I love to sing, and my neighbors probably hate me for that.
9. This lady in my church choir told me I had some of the prettiest voices she's ever heard, and instead of just saying thank you, I wanted to ask her if she needed her hearing checked.
10. I have pretty bad self-esteem.
11. A lot of the time I feel like people only pretend to like me  to my face, but really can't stand me and wish I would disappear.
12. I hate myself for this, but I still love Joshua, and sometimes I do miss him, but I know I am better off without him, and I am a better person than I was 2 years ago now.
13. I really want to be a mother, more than just about anything else.
14. I want a PhD just so I can say I have one, then I could feel like I really accomplished something
15. I've been told that I am too honest, does any of the above collaborate that? I think so.