I am in a place of waiting on several things lately. I did my graduate school applications and I am waiting for my former professors to send their letters and the schools to decide if they want me. I am waiting for Christmas, I know what one of my presents is already, and I am really excited about getting it. I am waiting for people to buy my scarves on Etsy, and I am waiting to figure out what's next.
Seeing as it's Advent, it is an appropriate time of year to be waiting, but that doesn't make it any easier. Prior to last Sunday, in the middle of the Lord's Prayer at Mass, the priest would say, "protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ." Now it's something about awaiting the blessed hope, I could look it up, but I am not going to. That quote is what Advent is all about, waiting for Jesus's promised return. I like Advent, but it is hard to get into the spirit of Advent, waiting for the Lord to come, when you have been practicing Christmas music since August.
But all these things I am waiting on propel me into the Advent spirit. So I am trying not to be anxious, which is hard for me, and be joyful as I wait to hear what is happening with grad school.
In other news, I have lost 16 pounds in the 2 months I have been on my diet. :) And that includes pigging out on Pull-a-part on Thanksgiving, 2 desserts and 3 beers on Friday, and totally eating everything in sight last night. Go me!
And now for your listening pleasure, "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers because really, "the waiting is the hardest part."
Patience is not one of my strengths or a virtue that I possess in great quantities. In fact more than once, my mother has said she should have named me Patience, so I would have some. Working retail for five years and teaching middle school for four taught me some patience, but I still don't have a lot. I am a fan of instant gratification, I am not going to lie. And I of course know, you never pray for patience because God won't just give you patience, he will provide situations where you have to exercise patence. It is far better to pray for compasson, understanding, or something along those lines.
Since I don't have much patience, I suck at waiting. And as one of my friends put it, "Waiting on God's time sucks." I have had a few times, especially in the last three or four years of waiting on God's time. Which in the long run always provides you with a much better outcome than the one I want right now! Sometimes we have to be properly groomed before we can do things, or the situation needs to be. It's complicated, you know, "His ways are not our ways," and all that jazz.
My first big experience of waiting on God's time came when I was finishing my undergraduate degree, here I was getting a degree in theology, with a strong desire to do youth ministry, and no one wanted to hire me, and I only got 2 interviews out of like 10 positions I sent my resume to, hello discouragement. About those 2 interviews, one of them, my first ever real job interview, was with a search committee. Here I am, 22, and I walk into a room of 10 people to interview me, it's madness. Take your normal job interview jitters and multiply that by like 10 million, and there you go, that was my first real job interview. Needless to say, I did not get that job, which really, is just as well because I realized shortly after that, that I did not want to do youth ministry, I wanted to teach religion, so with no job prospects, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might want to teach at the college level some day, I decided to stay at Walgreens and just go back to school. So that fall, in 2003, I started the MLA program at UST, and as the second year of that program came closer to its end I realized I was once again in need of a real job or career, so I applied and interviewed with several schools to teach. Once again, no luck. This time I interviewed with 4 or 5 principals and one thing was a constant strike against me, I had no teaching experience.
Frustrated beyond belief, I continued working at Walgreens, and was no longer in school. It was weird, and I had a lot of free time, so I watched a lot of food network and started cooking a lot, but that my friends, is what we call, another story for another day.
So here I am, 2 degrees and theology, super gung ho to go out and teach the masses about Jesus and stuff, and no one wants to hire me to do any sort of ministry. Needless to say I got depressed and discouraged and wondered, "What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?"
So I started thinking about grad school, again. I did the MLA program at UST to beef up my not so great GPA from undergrad, and I was successful, I graduated with just under a 3.8 (go me), which would have been higher if I didn't take the stupid Proust and Shakespear classes. Anyway, I needed to beef up my GPA because I had a goal, I wanted and MTS from Notre Dame, but I was pretty sure ND would laugh at my undergrad transcript and that would be that. So I did the MLA at UST and kicked its ass, more or less. So fall of 2005 rolls around, and I am still running film, and not doing any sort of school, and bored, and partying a little too hard. So I buy some GRE prep books because that test terrified me, and I started studying the zillions of vocabulary words in the book, trying to plan a time to take the test, and apply to Notre Dame.
The beginning of November rolls around, and I get a phone call from the CCE coordinator or something like that of the diocese. She tells me that a friend of my family gave her my name when she asked if he knew anyone looking for a job teaching religion. I was just in total shock when that phone call came in. Of course I told her I was interested, and an hour later, the principal called me, and asked when I would be available to meet with him and see the school. I met with him 2 days later, he chatted with me a bit, walked around the campus with me, and I left with a job, I was in shock, happy shock, but shock, nonetheless. So grad school once again went off my immediate radar, but it was still there lurking in the back of my mind.
After four years of middle school, I realized that while I loved teaching, I didn't like the other stuff you have to deal with as a middle school teacher. So I left the job, and then went off to find whatever job I could get while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, and now everything seems to be falling into place so that grad school is where it seems my life is headed.
So now, I am working on applications and getting ready to do some waiting to see where I get accepted and where I am supposed to go.
As I wait, I am trying to make this my theme song: "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
I am all out of inspiration. I need a muse, stat. I have been trying to write a post for like a week now, and I just can't seem to find the words. Or rather figure out how it is I want to convey it.
That's why I haven't been posting a lot lately. Ideally I want to post at least every other day, if not daily, and have the post be of some substance, not like yesterday's. But I have been so distracted by not being able to write the other post, I have been unmotivated to wrote anything.
I thought I was reluctant to write it because I needed to do my Annulment questionnaire, but I finished that Sunday. I could blame the fact that now that the annulment paperwork is mailed, I need to work on my CV and letter of intent, but I am not really motivated for that either. You can add to all this I have felt like crap.
But really, it may be a combination of these things, or it could be that I am pretty sure Persch is just the German word for lazy-ass procrastinator. Procrastination is a plague on pretty much the entire family. Even my mom, and she is not a real Persch, at least not by blood. I never can seem to do anything until the last minute. Like the annulment stuff, I had 60 days to do it. I put it in the mail 3 days before it was due.
I don't know why I am so unmotivated. Like the stuff for grad school, most of me wants to go to grad school. I am excited about it. I have been thinking about it for seven and a half years. I put it aside and decided that wasn't wear I was being led, only to be drawn back to it, time and again. And, finally, everything seems to be falling into place so that I can actually go (assuming I get in). The only part of me that doesn't want to go is that part that hates everything new and unfamiliar, the part that hates change and wants to keep everything the same, even if I hate the situation and I am absolutely miserable.
But, by the end of next week, I want to have my CV done, and get prepared to meet with professors regarding my recommendations, and getting my letter of intent written. I have until December 1st before the application fee goes up.
I can do this, but I need a little motivation.
Wow, this post kind of segues a lot, or I just like tangents. Maybe a little of both. :)
