The Waiting

I am in a place of waiting on several things lately. I did my graduate school applications and I am waiting for my former professors to send their letters and the schools to decide if they want me. I am waiting for Christmas, I know what one of my presents is already, and I am really excited about getting it. I am waiting for people to buy my scarves on Etsy, and I am waiting to figure out what's next.

Seeing as it's Advent, it is an appropriate time of year to be waiting, but that doesn't make it any easier. Prior to last Sunday, in the middle of the Lord's Prayer at Mass, the priest would say, "protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ." Now it's something about awaiting the blessed hope, I could look it up, but I am not going to. That quote is what Advent is all about, waiting for Jesus's promised return. I like Advent, but it is hard to get into the spirit of Advent, waiting for the Lord to come, when you have been practicing Christmas music since August. 

But all these things I am waiting on propel me into the Advent spirit.  So I am trying not to be anxious, which is hard for me, and be joyful as I wait to hear what is happening with grad school.

In other news, I have lost 16 pounds in the 2 months I have been on my diet. :)  And that includes pigging out on Pull-a-part on Thanksgiving, 2 desserts and 3 beers on Friday, and totally eating everything in sight last night.  Go me! 

And now for your listening pleasure, "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers because really, "the waiting is the hardest part."

Complicated . . .

That just about sums up my existence right now.

Everything is complicated.  There are some really good things, like I finished my Grad School Apps, just waiting for my recommendation letters to come in and they'll be complete.  Probably won't know anything until March though. So I wait, I wait, and I wait, something I am not good at.  And the diet is going well, 14.6 pounds lost in about 7 weeks which puts me averaging 1.8 pounds a week, healthy and steady.

On the other hand, my job is totally leaving me unfulfilled, and there really isn't anything new for me to learn or do here, so I just feel stuck in a rut.  August can't get here soon enough (again with the waiting).  And someone I care about really deeply hurt my feelings a lot, and refuses to apologize.  Which to me means they must have meant what they said, and I am not OK with someone in that relationship feeling that way about me.  Why else would you not apologize for a very hurtful thing you said?  Ugh and the most frustratingly complicated part of the whole thing is the one person I really want to talk to about this is the person who I am not talking to because of this!

I am so stressed out its unbelievable.  I am surrounded by craziness everyday at work, not to mention, not stimulated at work, there is nothing going on here.  My finances are all in disarray and I barely have anything left after paying my bills.  And now this other thing.  I haven't slept well in weeks, and I have been feeling really icky for the past week.  Something's got to give.  

Two Weeks . . .

And I am down almost 7.5 pounds.  I may just make that Christmas goal after all.  :)  Really it's closer to 5 pounds because I weighed myself Tuesday before last (when I started this) late at night after drinking a lot of water, but ~5 pounds in a week and a half is pretty good, and it wasn't hard.  I haven't felt deprived yet.

So if I plan to lose my 10% by Christmas, I have 10 weeks to drop another 17 pounds.  I really think that's doable, and only about 2 pounds a week. I have a dress I'd like to wear for Christmas Eve Mass, it hasn't fit in sometime, but it is one of the only items of clothing I kept even though it was too small.

One Week . . .

. . . and so far, so good.  I started Weight Watchers again last Monday.  I was on WW before my wedding in '08, and I lost like 21 pounds, and since November of 2008, I have gained 30+ pounds, due in part to stress and a lot to laziness.

For a while, I have known I needed to do something about my weight, really since for ever.  I've almost always been on the heavy side.  Dancing almost everyday in HS helped me slim down some, and not having an over abundance of food to snack on my first year of college at SFA helped tremendously, that's when I got down to my smallest, a size 10!   I know that size still sounds big, especially if you have seen The Devil Wears Prada, where they called the girl who wore a 6 fat, but on me that was actually very thin.  I gained some of that weight and then lost it again around 2002, I was a size 12 then, I was thin, and looked really good.  That's my goal, to get back to that size.  I am not doing this diet life-style change just to be thin again, but because I want to be healthier, and right now I am not comfortable in my body.  I am not comfortable sitting down, and I am not comfortable standing up, my lower back has been giving me a bunch of trouble, and when I was working out, doing yoga, for some of the poses, my stomach totally got in the way. 

So I am doing WW because I was successful with it before, and my mom offered to pay for it.  I really like WW, it really is more about a life-style change and less about a diet.  With the points system, you can eat whatever you want as long as you stay within you allotted points, or work out a lot to get some more.  But with it allowing you to eat whatever you want you have to be conscientious about what you eat.  If you choose to splurge on a big meal, you may have to eat salad and fruit the rest of the day, or stick really close to your points for a couple of days to make it up.  I started this diet on Monday, and Friday I went to a wedding and Saturday I went to Greek Fest, and both places I ate what I wanted to eat and didn't go over my weekly extra points allowance.  I mean really, I got to eat wedding cake and baklava on my diet.  That's unreal.

I am posting this for some added accountability.  I really want to lose 70 pounds, and to do that I need some encouragement, and for some one to say, "Susan, put down the cupcake!"  Seriously, cupcakes are my crack!  My first goal with WW is to loose 10% of my weight, so right now I am focused on losing  a little over 24 pounds.  I really hope to do this by Christmas.  So if you can, please offer your support and encouragement.