Vying for the Villain.

If we're dividing the world into two black and white camps, I'd generally say I belong in that "good" person camp. Which is why it's is sort of concerning that as of late, I find myself liking a lot of TV series with heroes who are villains or anti-heroes. This makes me question myself, how is it, that I, a generally good person could want these "bad" people to windows much?

It started with Breadking Bad. But, of course, with BB, Walt didn't start out a bad guy. He was a good guy in a tough situation and made choices that led him to a bad place. So yes, I wanted him to succeed at first in his meth cooking and selling endeavors, so he could receive his treatment, but by the end of the series I really didn't like Walt. So BB is a more mild example because I cheered on a man doing bad things for a very good reason. It was his way to right an injustice. 

A similar example to BB is Dexter. Who wouldn't love Dexter? He seems like such a great guy, well besides the serial killer part, which is the part of Dexter I am actually most attracted too. But he's like the Robin Hood of serial killers, he only kills the killers, and those which our legal/justice system have let slide through he cracks. But even though the 5th commandment is clear, Thou shalt not kill, I can't help but want Dexter to remain free. It's kind of disgusting if you think about it. I would hope that in a real life situation I wouldn't feel that way about a serial killer. That I wouldn't want some murder to be free despite of who he's killing. But again while Dexter is committing evil, at least he's killing the bad guys and making the world a little safer.  

How to Get Away with Murder is another one of these shows. Annalise is a horrible person, I mean really. She takes the cake of scumbag criminal defense attorneys, not that by any means I think all attorneys are scumbags, but some are, and she's the leader of the pack of them. She has no redeeming qualities. But, with HTGAWM, I am not seeking for her to be successful, but rather the law students who under her leadership end up in a really bad situation. The only reason I want Annalise not to get caught is for the sake of those kids.  

The show that really makes me question whether or not I am a good person though is House of Cards. The Underwoods don't have one redeeming quality between the two of them. Frank and Clare are both absolutely horrible people. And I cannot help hoping they will be successful in whatever undertaking they approach. At least with the other 3 shows, the characters had some good quality that could justify liking them and wishing them well despite the horrible things they did. The Underwoods, not so much, but even when Frank murdered a character I kind of liked, I still wanted him to get away with it. How can I possible want this murdering, cheating, scamming, liar to do well and be successful? What is wrong with me, that I consider myself a good person, but I want these bad people to succeed?

I really can't figure it out, and I find it disturbing that as a good person I want these villains to prosper. 

(Sorry if this is full of typos, I wrote it on my iPad.)

Rethinking "Conscience and Dissent":

So, a while back I wrote this, and I think I missed one important point, that even though Jesus met and loved people where they are, he also never encouraged them to stay in their state of sin, or attachment.



Think about the story of the "Rich Young Man" from Luke's Gospel, when the young man asked Jesus what he needed to do to inherit eternal life, Jesus gives the simple minimum answer, follow the Law and Commandments. When the young man says he has, since his youth, Jesus calls him to more, to rid himself of his attachment to worldly things.



Similarly, in the story of the woman caught in adultery, after there is no one left to condemn her, Jesus doesn't tell her to stay in the same state of life, instead he tells her to go and sin no more.



So while yes, of course, Jesus meets and loves people where they are, he always encourages them to strive to be better and to live a morally upright life, and adhere to those strict moral teachings.

Conscience & Dissent

I was having a chat with a friend the other night, it started with a joke, about how the only "anti-choice" pro-lifers were Calvinist (with the Calvinist idea of double predestination and denial that we have free will). But, our conversation struck a chord with me, and it has been heavy on my mind lately.

Morally speaking, the Church does demand a lot from us, and I think as far as her teaching is concerned, she should. Jesus was also demanding in the moral teachings he gave, even thinking about someone sexually is adultery and to hate someone is equivalent to killing them, but even with his demanding teachings and ideals, Jesus met people where they were, loved them for who they are, and encouraged them to grow.

In a lot of ways I think the Church, rather some leaders in the Church, have become just a demanding voice saying "Do as I say," and not considering pastoral implications and the hearts of her members. I've heard so many people say you can't be or believe x and a Catholic. When honestly I'd say being a Catholic requires you believe in the Creed, the sanctity of life, and the Real Presence in the Eucharist. Otherwise the Church teaches a lot of stuff, and demands a lot morally speaking, but also, she teaches that we have an obligation to follow our well-formed conscience. The key here is "well-formed." We have the responsibility to educate ourselves about things and think critically about them, but we are never asked to just blindly assent to all statements and teaching of the Church.

This idea of the primacy of conscience, is not new. In the 13th century, St. Thomas Aquinas claimed that our obligation to follow our conscience is so strong and important that someone should risk excommunication rather than violate their well-formed conscience. He taught that it is always a mortal sin to violate your conscience.

The Church needs to be a little more like Jesus, hold its strict teaching, but also make it clear that dissent is allowed for good, well thought-out, rational reason, and that we have the obligation to obey our conscience. Although, the Church still needs to avoid scandal, and uphold our teachings. That is, conscience decisions are personal as is dissent, neither can be systematic, nor should they be. 

Looking, but not Seeing

So I was just watching that new show, "Selfie," and it struck me, like it did when I read Stripped Down: A Naked Memoir by Stacey Keith, how all we really want is to be seen. Often throughout this book Stacey mentions wanting to be seen, or not actually wanting to be seen, despite everyone looking at her. So often we will put ourselves in places that people will look at us, but does looking at someone or something really mean you see it? Regardless of how many people look at us, how many people actually see us?

In a way, that's the point of the paintings by Rothko, there is a chapel with his work next to UST in Houston, and I went in with a friend one day, and his response characterizes this perfectly, "They're just black." Yes, when you first look at them, you see four huge black canvases, but when you see them, when you go and sit, and look at them, really look at them, you see them. Rothko painted with tons of color and then blacked out these paintings. So they are black, but as you gaze upon them and really look at them, you can see what is under the black, but it takes time and focus.

The same can be said about people, we all want to be seen. We want someone to look at us and see us for who we are, as a person, not just our body and definitely not our projected persona. This is where the "Selfie" part comes in, on that show, Eliza is a caricature, she is not a person, she is a projected image. She cannot be seen because there is nothing to see. She takes a lot of selfies, but she doesn't have a self. She has a ton of "friends," but no friends when she needs someone. So it begs the questions, what good is  selfie with no self?

I just finished teaching a chapter about Original Sin, and one of the consequences of Original Sin is that we are ashamed of our nakedness, but I think the nakedness is more than actual physical nakedness. In The Theology of the Body, Pope John Paul II, emphasizes that prior to the Fall, to Original Sin, our bodies were meant to manifest who we are as persons. That is when you looked at someone you would know then, not just recognize their face, but you would see them, and know them as a person. So this shame at our nakedness is not just the shame of being physically naked, but as shame at who we are. No longer when someone looks at us, do they see us, but that is all we want to be seen, to be known.

In TOB, JP2 says that the problem with pornography isn't that it shows too much of the person, rather, the problem is it shows too little. When you are looking at someone or something in a way that objectifies it, you cannot possibly see it.

Maybe we should challenge ourselves to see people and not just look at them. 

Love, Romance, and Friendship - Everything is Not About Sex

I often make weird comments that my close friends understand, but that others overhearing them would be confused and appalled by. A prime example is when I talk about that time I spent a romantic night with Jesus. I used to keep a holy hour at a parish adjacent to a very popular running park in Houston. Being easily distracted, most nights my holy hour consisted in me exerting a lot of effort to stay focused on prayer, ignore the constantly opening and closing door, try not to pay attention to the rambunctious toddler here and there, and a whole host of other things. One stormy evening during my holy hour, I had a beautiful experience. I was alone with my Jesus. I turned off all but one of the lamps in the chapel, and sat in adoration and had a very peaceful and yes, somewhat romantic evening with Jesus. I mean candle light, mood lighting, we were alone, what else would you call it. It was romantic, it wasn't sexual.

I think we can have romantic experiences with our friends and they're in no way sexual. I also think we can not only love our friends, but be in love with our friends without it having the slightest thing to do with sex or sexual attraction. I realized this when I fell in love with one of my best friends.* Given certain circumstances, it could never be sexual, but it doesn't change the fact that I had fallen in love with him and I still love him, even though we are now far away. The same goes with some of my female friends, the sharing of love is more that just necessarily a platonic love, if we love in Greek, that is in terms of eros, phileo, and agape, I think agape contains more of a notion of being "in love" than the other two. Eros, romantic or sexual love, does not necessitate being in love, nor does phileo, fraternal love, as shared by those with some common bond or purpose. But, agape, that perfect, unconditional love, it necessitates being "in love" with the beloved. I believe it is fair and accurate to say that God is "in love" with his creation. In my understanding, being "in love" requires a mutuality of relationship that is not necessarily included in the other two kinds of love.

Part of the reason I have come to these conclusions is my discerning a life lived under a vow of chastity, and knowing others who live that life or have promised to remain celibate, choosing to live that way in no way lessens the very human need to be communal, to share yourself with others. Just because you choose not to have sex does not mean you no longer need meaningful relationships and to love and be loved. I hear from several of my friends who happen to be priest that people forget they are human. One way we image God is in relationship, after all, God is a relationship of the three persons in the Trinity.

While expressing ourselves sexually is beautiful and important, in the appropriate context, it is not the whole of life or even the most important thing in life. More important is connecting with another person as a person in relationship, and I believe that any relationship can have elements of romance or being in love with the other without it having to have anything to do with sex.

Another thought with this related to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While he wrote the book for married couples, so they could make sure that their spouse knew they were loved, I think it is applicable to all those we love, especially our close and important friendships

In The Five Love Languages, Chapman asserts that just as we speak in a primary language, and understand, know, and learn things best in that primary language, the same if true for how we love. The five languages Chapman lists are: physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. So someone whose primary love language is acts of service isn't going to feel as loved and filled when loved in any of the other four languages like he will when someone he loves does acts of service for him. These could be just about anything washing the dishes, a trip to the grocery store, etc.

I actually have two primary love languages quality time and gifts. So when people spend time with me studying, watching TV, or doing whatever, it makes me feel really filled and loved. The same is true with gifts. They don't have to be big gifts it can be simple things like a fresh picked flower, a small bracelet, a poem, whatever, just some small token that says I saw this and I thought of you. These are the ways I feel loved.

My views on love, in general, have shifted or changed as I discern entering into a communal life of vowed chastity. When you take romantic/erotic love out of the picture of life, it changes your perception. So now, I get these my fill of love from my friends.

*Like Mindy Kaling, courtesy of the The Mindy Project, I believe "best friend" is a level of friendship. :)

Be Who You Are - Lessons from Frozen

So, in case you do not already know this about me, I am a little more than slightly obsessed with Frozen. (Spoiler alert, this post will have spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie, please go watch it. I'll wait . . . OK, so on with the post.).

I watched Frozen again the other day, and I was once again struck by the manifestations of Elsa's powers, and how her parents did her more harm than good by telling her to conceal her powers and suppress her feelings, "Don't let them in. Don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel. Don't let them know, well now they know." If you look at what Elsa does with her powers, a lot of it has to do with her control and confidence.

The first time we see her use her powers, as a young girl, the things she makes are not harmful or scary. They are not overly artful or creative, but they are intentional and not dangerous, at least until she loses control and accidentally strikes Anna in the head. Here her parents run off with the girls and Pabbie, the troll king(?), and he tells Elsa's parents:

Grand Pabbie: It's for the best. Listen to me, Elsa, your power will only grow. There is beauty in it.[he shows a silhouette of an adult Elsa creating magical snowflakes]Grand Pabbie: But also great danger.[one of the snowflakes turns red and into icy spikes]Grand Pabbie: You must learn to control it. Fear will be your enemy.[the spikes turn into human form which then attack the silhouette of adult Elsa, this frightens Elsa and she turns to her father who holds her protectively]King: No. We'll protect her. She can learn to control it. I'm sure. Until then, we'll lock the gates. We'll reduce the staff. We will limit her contact with people, and keep her powers hidden from everyone. Including Anna.[the castle doors and windows are closed and the two sisters separated from each other, Anna watches as Elsa goes into her room and close the door, Anna looks sad and confused]

I think her parents really missed the mark here, they forced Elsa into being afraid and ashamed of who she is. They also misunderstood control as suppression. Shouldn't we use our gifts and talents for good? The most heartbreaking part is how they ruined the relationship between Elsa and Anna. I believe that if Pabbie had meant for Elsa and Anna to be totally separated, he would not have left the good memories of the fun Anna and Elsa shared in Anna's memories.

It seems to me, the fear Pabbie mentions is not so much the fear others might have for Elsa and her powers, but her fear of herself. Whenever she is afraid, and her powers burst from her, the things she makes are scary, spiky, and ominous. But, when she is feeling confident and free, what she creates is very refined and beautiful. Just look at her "fortress of solitude." The ice castle she makes is incredible, and how could I forget Olaf, she makes the most amazing and loving, living snowman.

I think Elsa provide us with a good lesson in loving ourselves and being strong and confident with our abilities, talents, and gifts. I think we all have the potential to do very good or very bad things with the abilities we are given.

How Elsa's powers manifest when she is afraid:

 What she can do when she feels confident and in control:

I've Fallen in Love . . .

I am totally, utterly, and completely in love, with Jesus. I've tried to resist acknowledging this, but really I cannot put up the fight any longer. Today at Mass was the 8th or so time in a row that as the Eucharistic prayer began I was full of love and longing, pure and holy desire, completely in want of one thing, one experience, one person, one reality, I wanted to be united to Christ!

This is the perfect answer to a somewhat constant prayer over the past few months. I have prayed that my feeling and attraction to someone would, whatever the outcome, lead he and I closer to Christ. I can't presume to speak for him, but in my case it has repeatedly. Jesus has been calling me for a while, and I have been resisting, but I am tired of fighting.

Thinking about this though, it's interesting thinking about guys I have been attracted to in the past, and loving Jesus is a quality I greatly admire. And, I think I now realize it is because Jesus is the one I really want. I wrote this post about who I would marry 3 years ago, and I find it amusing now when I consider when my life is possibly headed.

Even now, as I sit here, willing to admit it, I feel so full of joy. Is there any better feeling than falling in love.

Holy Saturday . . . Peaceful Anxiety, Joyful Disquiet

Holy Saturday . . . the day nothing happened. The day we wait.

I can’t even really imagine what it must have been like that first Holy Saturday, being one of those closest to Jesus, and knowing you just ate this meal with him, where he told you the bread was his body and the wine was his blood. Then he takes you to a garden to pray, where he is arrested, tried, beaten, crucified, and buried . . . and now what? It is hard enough to lose a friend or family member, but what about one in whom you hoped for your salvation? I can’t even imagine the anguish, the despair, the fear that because you were with Christ, one of his close companions they would come after you. I think about St. Peter a lot. He and I have the same disorder, FIMD, Foot-in-mouth disease. Almost every story of Peter in the Gospels is one where he sticks his foot in his mouth, except for one, when Jesus asked the disciple who they say He was, and Peter answers that “You are the Christ.” In turn, Jesus appoint Peter as the leader of the Church. He is the Rock the Foundation, the man who 3 times as the Lord is being tried denies he even knew him. But honestly, I can’t say as a human I blame him. How many times have we denied Christ either by our words or our actions?

This Holy Week as I have participated in the liturgies and reflected on my vocation, I have had a very strong understanding that I nailed Jesus to that cross, that it was my sinfulness that drove the nails through his hands and feet. It struck me on Palm Sunday when during the Gospel I could barely choke out the words “Crucify Him,” because the thought I was the one crucifying him was too strong. And yesterday, as I knelt to embrace the cross, it was with great sorrow for I knew I put him there. As I kissed his foot it was in reparation for the nail I drove through it. I’ve always liked the veneration of the cross, yes it is a symbol of great suffering, but it is a symbol of the greatest expression of love. All love involves and at least the risk of suffering, but this love, the greatest love, was expressed through the greatest suffering, and then, what?

This painting by Thomas Blackshear, "Forgiven" depicts it well.
How Jesus loves us even though we have nailed him to the cross.

Holy Saturday, the day nothing happened, the day Jesus laid in the tomb, the day I am sure the disciples questioned whether they’d placed their faith in a lunatic or a criminal, the day their faith was tested. How many doubted that his words were true, that he would rise again? How often do I doubt it?

I’ve been in Holy Saturday for a while now. I am finishing up my program and I have no idea what happens next I am just waiting, waiting, waiting, much like the disciples locked in the upper room. Because I have faith and hope that I am being lead where I am supposed to go, and a strong willingness to follow, I described my feelings in this waiting as a peaceful anxiety (which I am so glad I have friends I can say something like that to and they get it). Cardinal DiNardo once spoke of a “joyful disquiet” in regards to Lent, and as the old translation of the Mass, during the Lord’s Prayer, the priest would say, “We wait in joyful hope.”

Thursday night at Mass, I sat slightly left of where I normally sit, and as such I notices a statue of Mary on the left side altar, I had not seen. The Mass was bilingual, so after father gave the homily in English, he gave it in Spanish, it was then I noticed Mary, and I was so captivated. I was filled with a desire to be like her, and I asked her to share her bravery with me, and that’s when it started. I wanted to be brave like her to say yes to whatever it is that God is asking of me: Be it done as you have said, I am the handmaid of the Lord. I’ve prayed this many times, but Thursday it was real, a stirring, a longing was built up in me, and I felt weird, and after receiving communion, it intensified. This feeling of a peaceful anxiety, knowing that my yes will lead to good things, but still apprehension about what it means and following through. It was intensified after receiving the Eucharist because while I have always loved Jesus, I have a real sense of being in love with Jesus now. I have given him my heart, my whole self, and it is scary and wonderful all at once. But it doesn’t change that I am waiting to see what is to be resurrected in this choice, just like the Apostles and Jesus’ friends on the first Holy Saturday. There is a stillness an unknowing. 

For Holy Saturday, I think these words from Wayne Kerr's song "Three Days" are appropriate: 

Three days, since we saw you

And three days

Since you’ve been gone

I never thought that I’d see the day

I never dreamed it would end this way

But it’s been 3 days since you were my friend

And 3 days without you

These days how will we begin?

Where do we begin?

Last night I thought that I heard you

And you were teaching

And then I awoke to find

It was just a dream in the night

Could it be that they, they were all right?

You want me to do what? (or, Falling in love with Jesus)

It's Holy Thursday, this evening begins the solemn 3 day celebration of the Church of the Paschal Mystery of Christ, which is the mystery of how Christ won for us our Salvation and opened heaven to us so we may live eternally with Him and Our Father. 

These 3 days, the Triduum, are easily my favorite of the year. There is such a rich meaning, history, symbolism, and remembrance in the Liturgy of these 3 days, which is one liturgy in 3 parts. Tonight this epic time of worship begins, much as what it commemorates began 2000 years ago, with the celebration of the Last Supper, where Jesus gave us first and forever a real sharing in his life and divinity through the Eucharist. 

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and giving it to his disciples said, “Take and eat; this is my body." Then he took a cup, gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you, for this is my blood of the covenant, which will be shed on behalf of many for the forgiveness of sins. (Matthew 26: 26-28)

Jesus does not tell us that this is a symbol of his body and blood, and that every once in while we should eat crackers and drink grape juice at our church service and feel good about ourselves. Instead, every Mass, and especially tonight's Mass is a real remembrance, in the ancient sense of the word, to make present again, of Christ's sacrifice for you and for me, of his passion, death, and resurrections, the mystery of such great love and suffering. It is difficult to wrap your head around. The first time I really realized what the true presence was, it sort of tripped me up. I was in 11th grade, in Confirmation class despite having already been Confirmed.[1] That evening we were discussing the Eucharist, and when they said this is the body and blood of Christ, the true presence, it gave me pause. I never until that point understood that, and today it makes me wonder how many on my fellow Catholics understand that. I now try to make myself consciously aware of the true presence every time I participate in the sacrament. That this, is the Source and Summit of our Faith, the beginning and the end, it is about Jesus!

While Matthew, Mark, Luke, and the Epistles of St. Paul speak of the Last Supper and the Institution of the Eucharist similarly, the Gospel of John provides a different account of Jesus’ Last Supper with His Apostles. John tells us of how Jesus took a towel and basin and bent to wash the feet of His Apostles. In the ancient Middle East, it was common practice that when one person came into another’s home the servants would wash their feet. This makes perfect sense when you consider people walked everywhere in a desert environment in sandals, their feet would be dirty. This was also a mark of hospitality. We spoke at length about hospitality and from a virtue ethics perspective, exactly what Jesus had done.

So when he had washed their feet [and] put his garments back on and reclined at table again, he said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you? You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am. If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet. I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do. (John 13: 12-15)

This is a mark of true hospitality and truly living Jesus’ call to discipleship. In one of his first tweets, Pope Francis remarked, “True power is service.” The story of the foot washing expresses this so beautifully. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend (John 15: 13).

Considering hospitality, how welcoming can one truly be of a stranger without love? One of the greatest examples of hospitality in John’s Gospel is the washing of the feet in John 13: 1-20. Many view this story of Jesus washing the Apostles’ feet only as a story of servant love, but there is more to the story than just servant love. Viewing this story only as an example of servant love downplays the actual event in the story, foot washing. During the time that Jesus lived, it was common practice for slaves to wash the feet of guests when they arrived as a display of welcome and hospitality. Foot washing was not a task that a master or teacher would usually perform for his students.       

Jesus’ act of washing his disciples’ feet has a deep significance for the ethical teachings of the Gospel of John. It is about more than just cleansing. Foot washing has an effect on redemption and following the example. As Jesus is washing the disciples’ feet, when he comes to Peter, Peter protests having Jesus wash his feet as he thinks it is inappropriate for Jesus to perform this act, but Jesus replies “If I do not wash you, you can have no share with me” (13:8). That is, without having their feet washed by Jesus, the disciples cannot remain Jesus’ disciples or receive eternal life from him. To which, of course, Peter responds that Jesus should wash his head and hands as well, but Jesus responds, “No one who has had a bath needs washing, such a person is clean all over” (13:10). This bath Jesus speaks of refers to Baptism, through which believers are cleansed, but the foot washing, and washing the feet of others, is a way to enter into the Hour of Jesus, through service to one another. This exchange between Jesus and Peter is about whether or not Peter can accept salvation or eternal life on the grounds on which it is given, and of course, true to form for Peter goes to extremes by asking Jesus to give him a bath.

           

The meaning of the washing of the feet is expressed when Jesus explains how it is an example for the disciples to follow. Jesus asks the disciples, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Master and Lord, and rightly; so I am. If I, then, the Lord and Master, have washed your feet, you must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example so that you may copy what I have done to you” (13:13-15). The washing of feet is about the disciples entering into something, being welcomed by Jesus.  It is not just about servant love. Here Jesus is telling the disciples that the way they love someone has everything to do with the way that they welcome them. Jesus urges the disciples with this example to welcome others the way he has welcomed them. The meaning of the foot washing is about an important characteristic of the Johannine community. The community is to be welcoming, to practice hospitality, for the Johannine community; hospitality is part of the meaning of community.  (Excerpt from my paper for John and Virtue Ethics, Feb. 26, 2013)

This is what I had in mind with the title of this post, I truly believe Jesus is calling me to love Him in a new and profound way, and it is making demands on me to be served and to serve in ways I am not sure I am quite comfortable with. Although, that is the call to discipleship to move away from your comfort zone, to greet and kiss the leper on your way to San Damiano, as the story about St Francis goes. As I discern my vocation and I am seeking whether or not I am being called to enter religious life, I question just what is it that Jesus is calling me to? What is He asking me to enter into? How does He want me to love Him? Ultimately that is what it is all about. Jesus loves us and we must in turn love Him, and those He loves.

It is about a call to be authentic. To truly live out Jesus’ call to discipleship to make an authentic claim on us, and realize, that yes, true “power” is love and service of others.

---

[1] Yes, I am a cradle Catholic, but due to some oversight of well-meaning people myself and a few others were allowed to receive the Sacraments of Initiation we had not received at the Easter Vigil, when the families we acted as Sponsor families for received their sacraments the first time my parish did RCIA for families, which is also why the Parish I was baptized in had no record I had been confirmed.

Thank You . . .

Five years ago today, I was 9 days out of leaving a job I hoped would be a career, trying to pick up the pieces, heal, and enjoy a slightly too chilly day at Galveston, as salt water, sand, sun and surf heal the soul in unimaginable ways.

I went into my car to check the time on my phone because I had plans to see Matt Maher that evening with friends and my husband, when I saw a I had a voice-mail from him. The message said to call him back he had bad new . . . understatement of a life time . . . bad news like dropping the A-bomb only caused slight damage.

But, I am getting ahead of myself, I had prepared myself as I was calling him back to hear that his draw at work had been reduced and that money would be tighter than it already was, but what he said, I never even imagined. That the strain would be tighter and things might get worse.

His bad news, which was bad news only for me . . . That he and his mother were moving him out of our apartment, that it was over, done, finito . . . and my heart, torn out, smashed, broken. I cried. I screamed. I bargained. I lost. I was willing to do whatever, marriage is forever, there is no "way out," if it isn't working you fix it, you don't throw it out. I tried my hardest to repair it, but there is no reconciliation without conversation, not even that, without talking, no words . . .

It's been quite a journey, this five year long trip, to where today I woke up and felt hopeful and free, and I've realized the tremendous favor that he did for me. He gave me my life back, we were on the wrong course. I've been growing into who I was meant to be, but with him, for this, I was not free. I have stumbled quite a bit, and stepped off the path, through sin, self-doubt, and crippling fear.

But I am learning and I am growing, realizing that if I can just allow myself to be loved, loved by God, and let that love take effect it will all be as it should be. So I am thankful, he gave me my life back, it may not be what I had planned, but it is mine, and the one that was intended and I am grateful.

And this is an Easter song, and sounds better when Mary sings it, but it is the song of my heart right now. Even if it is a few days early . . .

I choose to live this life You give
for You alone!
I choose to live for you alone,
to make Your cross my only glory and
Your grace my only hope;
to yield my will, I choose to make my heart Your throne!

When a "Yes" forces a "No"

Often, when we say yes to this, it means we have to say no to that. Some of these choices are no big deal, like saying yes to vanilla ice cream, which means I have to say no to the chocolate, but this isn't a huge decision fundamental to myself as a person. I am thinking of one of these yeses, which if said could lead to a beautiful life, one I might think I even want. However, this yes leads to a really big no, one I am not sure I want to utter.

Since I was 19 or 20, so June of 2000 or 2001, I have felt some compulsion to religious life, at that point, very reluctantly at the insistence of Fr. Drew. I was sitting next to him the first night of the Steubenville South conference, and every time he saw a sister, he would nudge me and say that it was me, adding to this calling me Sr. Susan every time he saw me for months after until I finally insisted that he stop because it really really bothered me, and at this point the thought of being a religious sister was so insane to me, it bordered on making me physically ill. Fast forward a few months, and I am met by a professor and a guy who at the time was a good friend making jokes involving Susan and a Habit . . . around the time that this same professor joked that I had an irrational fear of nuns, which at the time was very true. So I told the professor, that the jokes about me and being a nun really bothered me because whenever I thought about it, I wanted to vomit. No lie it made me queasy and not in a good way. To which he told me that God would not call me to something that made me physically ill.

Fast forward to June of 2002, and I go on a study abroad in Italy with Sr. Miller, where in Assisi we meet and spend time with some other sisters from her order, the Franciscan Sisters of the Eucharist. After spending time with them, and becoming acquainted with religious sisters in a real way for pretty much the first time in my life, I told one of them who I felt particularly close to, that after spending time with her, that while I still had that door closed and locked, I was at least willing to touch the doorknob, but nothing much more came of that until years later.

In September 2006 I attended Bayou Awakening and after a talk about discernment, I felt that tug again, but this time in a less reluctant, more open way. And I really felt that I would spend that summer visiting orders and seeing if I wanted to join one. But I also met someone, and we started dating, and the way things go, that summer I was planning a wedding rather than researching orders. Long story short, a divorce and declaration of nullity followed, and the thought of religious life remained vanquished from my head because I felt and still somewhat do that I want nothing more out of life than to be a wife and mother. And someone asked me a few months following the divorce about religious life and I said no.

Something changed in this past year, following my break-up with someone I was with for almost 2 years and really thought I would marry, and once again this idea of religious life came back. Still reluctant to it and totally unwilling, but I opened myself up about it to a few people and met negativity from pretty much only one person, who's opinion is mostly meaningless to me anyway, but felt encouragement from several of my friends, especially 2 Jesuits in particular. But I largely put this out of my head, and went on my way, but toward the end of last semester, something changed in my heart, and I felt the call louder than before, and I struggled about whether or not to send an email to the order. I put it off for quite some time until once again, talking to Fr. Drew, I told him I was thinking about it again, and he told me that if I knew what order I had thought about it enough to see what was going on and that I should take advantage of being so close to the mother house. But I told him it was scary and that made it too real, but he said because I had it that thought out it was already pretty real.

Which leads to this past month, when I emailed the order, had a conversation with a sister on the phone, and rearranged my spring break flights so I can go visit for their vocations weekend. And when I told one of those first 2 Jesuits I mentioned that I actually talked to the order and was going to visit, he was shocked that I actually did something because I had spoken to him about it several times over the course of a year.

So I am trying to see what it is I should say yes to, trying to make the Blessed Mother's words my own: Be it done as you have said, I am the handmaid of the Lord. But it is scary and I am nervous, and I am reluctant to shut the door on the possibility of marriage and a family of my own.

So I ask for prayer that I can figure out which is the yes and which is the subsequent no.

Some current happenings . . . My Life in a Nutshell

I just finished and submitted my last PhD Application, and now the waiting begins. I won't know anything probably until April, so don't ask me what is happening after graduation until then, and even then, I may not have a clue.

In a sort of related, but very different direction all together, I have started communications with a religious order about discerning further if I am called to religious life. It took a lot of courage for me to make contact about it, and while I am apprehensive about this it isn't in a bad way, more in an I am not sure I want to admit this could be true sort of way. If you want to know more specifics about this, please do ask, but I am not ready to publicly make any commitments at the moment. ;)

I have become addicted to Breaking Bad, I have 16 more episodes to go, then I will be free of it. Seriously, this show stresses me out. I do not know how people could watch that show in real time, waiting a week between episodes.

My final semester of my Master's degree has begun, I haven't started it quite so much, between finishing my PhD applications and only have one class next week, by some random stroke of luck, I am having trouble motivating myself. But I'll get there. I am really excited about most of my classes, excluding Latin, and it doesn't seem like my workload will be overly stressful this semester. Which is good.

And, that about sums it up. There are a few other happenings, but they're for me to know and you to wonder about. :)

Goodbye 2013 . . .

Well 2013, honestly you kind of sucked, or at least you started out that way.

The year began very sadly, with the ending of a relationship that was overdue to be torn apart. It makes me wonder why we cling to things that are toxic and need to be released.

I also developed some really important friendships this year, and that made things better.

I have grown to know more about who I am and the path I am taking. I've learned to accept myself more as I am, and attempted to change somethings that need changing. I've grown in my revulsion against social injustice, and I am inspired by where to start to make change, but this in itself is problematic for me because I have a fixer complex.

And my heart has grown, even after having been broken (again), it is still full  of love and joy, especially in these last 3 months of the year. Someone is making my heart smile and it can't help to spread to my face. It's a strange thing to be overly stressed by finals and PhD applications and still have a perma-smile on my face.

2013 is the year I started truly finding my voice in my work. Presenting more of me and less of those who I study. I am hoping to continue this and continue school.

So goodbye 2013, all in all I suppose you ended well enough, but I am hoping that 2014 will usher in many great things. I already know it is a year of new beginnings, at the very least with graduation, and whatever comes after. I hope in 2014 to grow in trust and dependence on God, and to seek to do His will in all my endeavors. I want to be less timid, and to remember:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. - C.S. Lewis

But it is worth the risk, would I rather suffer a little now or suffer a lifetime of regret?

So here's to 2014, a new year, a new beginning. 

Brokenness: Allowing for Growth in Faith and Love

This is a paper I wrote for my C.S. Lewis course. I just wanted to share.

Pain, suffering, and experiences of brokenness can be good for man, especially for Christians on their faith journey. In The Problem of Pain, C. S. Lewis asserts that “pain insists upon being attended to.”[1] Suffering, pain, and brokenness can take us out of ourselves and orient us to the other. Often our experiences of pain and brokenness can move us to deeper love for God. Further, Lewis proclaims, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”[2] Pain is our indication that something is not right, that something must change. Only a fool would really, truly honestly seek change when everything is good, but it is those times that we are broken, shattered, and torn that we seek change, growth, and restoration, and ultimately seek God. When your world is disrupted, shattered, broken, that is when you seek change. This is when you seek a savior, someone to put the pieces back together.

There are three ways of examining the problem of pain. One could view it as a state of life as The Man in Black in The Princess Bride does, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”[3] Pain is merely a fact of life, it has no meaning. It is inevitable. It just is. Another view is that pain is an inexplicable evil, it cannot be rationalized or understood, although, this view really is just an extension of the first, that pain exists, and it is a reality, but it is meaningless, inconceivable. The third way of examining pain would be to see it as useful, as tool, in that, pain makes us move. Pain is a sign that something is not right, and a change needs to occur. This is why there is a “universal human feeling that bad men ought to suffer.”[4] Lewis declares, “Once pain has roused him, he knows that he is in some way or other ‘up against’ the real universe: he either rebels . . . or else makes some attempt at an adjustment, which, if pursued, will lead him to religion.”[5] Pain exists so that they might be drawn out of their badness, be punished for their wrongdoings, or change their wicked ways. This view of pain underscores divine justice and mercy the most. Happiness is the result of conformity to the truth, conforming to God. Insofar as one is not living according to the truth, she cannot have true happiness, pain serves as a reminder or push to reorient her to the truth.

The periods of brokenness in my life have lead me to seek God more closely, and realize that I cannot fix myself. The scars are too deep, and the pieces are too small. I need someone greater than I to fix the mess, and during these time I have turn to God for healing and for direction. This is why, when reading The Four Loves, when C. S. Lewis discusses accepting sufferings, I was so moved at his assertion, “We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.”[6] Sometimes, we choose to love someone who is not good for us or in an inordinate way, and this love distracts and pulls us away from our relationship with God, and this is when God breaks our heart. This is the grace of tears, but the good news is that according to Psalm 147, God heals the broken hearted. So even if God must break our hearts, He is there to heal them. He is the only cure for a broken heart, for He Himself was broken on the cross because of His love for us.

Choosing to love, we always run the risk of being broken, but if we don’t take the chance and love, there is no way for us to grow and reach perfection. As such, one of the most profound things that Lewis wrote is:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.[7]

Real love, always involves risk. Anytime we open ourselves to another in love we risk getting hurt. As one who wears her heart on her sleeve, I know this all too well, but for every experience of love lost and every heartbreak I have grown closer to God and learned more about myself and love in the process. In Till We Have Faces, at her judgment, Orual imparts, “I was pierced through and through with the arrows of it. I was being unmade. I was no one.”[8] Like Orual, we must be broken in order to know ourselves, we know ourselves most clearly in times of pain and suffering.

Life is a love story, between us and God and through our love for God, us and other individuals as well. Life may not always seem like a love story and sometimes we grow deeper or less in love. We may love someone, but either our choices or his are incompatible, and they cannot be reconciled. Our choices can lead us in different directions, and the choice to take our live in different directions can lead to the breaking of our hearts. This is especially true in a love not centered in God, not guided by Him and in the hope of leading us closer to Him. Although, love always involves a choice, a commitment, and as such if the love is strong, true, and rooted and governed by agape, it can supersede our choices or guide us to choose the person rather than our other desires.

There is always an element of suffering in love, as the purest expression of love, is Christ’s death on the cross, and it is the greatest suffering. However, inordinate love, or love not guided by agape can cause worse suffering because it lacks the joy we find in loving others through or with our love for God. As Saint Paul proclaims, love, agape, “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”[9] This is why Christ’s love for us is most fully expressed in His suffering and death on the cross. Just as suffering expresses His love for us, our suffering can lead us to grow in love for Him.






[1] C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (New York: Harper One, 1996), 91.


[2] Ibid.


[3] Anonymous The Princess Bride, directed by Rob Reiner et al. (Beverly Hills, CA: MGM DVD : Distributed by Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, 2007).


[4] Lewis, The Problem of Pain, 91.


[5] Ibid., 93.


[6] C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (Boston: First Mariner Books, 1988), 122.


[7] Ibid., 121.


[8] C. S. Lewis, Till we have Faces : A Myth Retold (San Diego: Harcourt Brace & Co, 1984), 307.


[9] 1 Corinthians 13:7.

A Month of Thanks: Day 30

I am thankful for anyone who has ever supported me in anyway. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 29

I am thankful for NyQuil and cold medicine. Finally feeling a little better.

A Month of Thanks: Day 28

I am thankful for having so much free time this week, even if taking so much free time means I am pretty much 2 weeks behind at this point. I should be able to do some work today, so that's good. :)

A Month of Thanks: Day 27

I am thankful for my overall health, even if I have a bit of a sore throat today. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 26

I am thankful for getting to yell at people in traffic. I know it sounds weird, but really, I thought about it as I was yelling at a van to get out of my way on 59 North as I headed to meet Dr. Smith for lunch. While I am terrified to drive in Boston, those Massholes (no offence), are totally nuts. But I am so accustomed to driving in Houston and I was thinking, if I didn't have access to a car, I wouldn't get to see anyone. It really is nice to be able to just get in a car and go where you need to go. I am also glad I got to see so many people who mean so much to me today. 

A Month of Thanks: Day 25

I am thankful the GRE is now over, and with my scores, I made my decision regarding applying to schools. I am just going to go for it. This is what I am really thankful about, I decided what to do, and basically, it involves ruling out a school I was going to apply for because they have unrealistic expectations about the GRE. Your loss CUA cause I am awesome.