The Summons

On Sunday, we sang this song, "The Summons" at Mass, and I love the words, but I am not thrilled with the tune, so I kind of don't like the song, but that is neither here nor there, because I m concerned with the lyrics.


It got me thinking, how often does God call us to something, and we ignore it, or say no God, after I do this or that, then I can do what you are calling me to.  And, it has me wondering, is that what I am doing with my postponing applying to grad school?  Ignoring a call?  I mean sure I have a lot of reasons for putting it off, and there are many valid excuses, but it makes me wonder, even though I feel good about the decision.  I always seem to think I know better though, like I feel tugged in this direction, but no, I want to do that and I will regardless if doing the other might be so much better for me.  


I am not sure I want to answer a call, "and never be the same," except trying to avoid change is impossible for a human here on earth, we are in a constant state of change, getting older, cells dividing, dying, etc.  Change is inevitable we get older every second.  It's pride, I know, but it doesn't change the sentiment, thinking I know what's best for me, better than God.  I get burned most of the time too, but it doesn't seem to make me want to do anything differently.  I know God will never call me to something that isn't the exact perfect right fit, but still, I can't trust and follow.  I am ruled by fear and cowardice.  


I think about this quote a lot:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." Marianne Williamson


I am not really afraid of failing, I am scared that I am actually going to accomplish something and then what?  I'll have to do something else?  It's not that I am lazy, it's more that I m afraid of my potential, figuring out what I m actually capable of, it's scary.  Am I alone in my fear of success, I was looking at a list of phobias, the fear of failure was there, but no fear of success, or maybe people just aren't as honest about what they are really scared of.




The Summons by John Bell
1. Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?

2. Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
In you and you in me?

3. Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?

4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

5. Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.

Day 2 - What's in a Name

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

Why did I name my blog "Whisperings of a Wandering Heart?" I am not really sure. It was the subtitle of my Live Journal, Life or Something Like It. Which is the title of an Angelina Jolie movie, but I often feel like her, like I am living someone else's life or the life someone else expects from me.

Anyway, back to my blog name. Usually I blog about my feelings, as a way to deal with stuff and purge, and feelings are the language of he heart or soul in that classical, philosophical sense, so my blog posts are the way those whisperings of my heart are communicated. And my heart is wandering because life is a journey. We seek and move our way through it. Also the name is somewhat poetic, and I used to write a lot of poetry.

Day 1 - I Think I Can!

Ok so since I am so horrible at actually blogging, I am 30 day challenging myself.  :)

Here's the List:
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.


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So, Day  One: A Recent Picture and 15 interesting (they'll be facts, I don't promise interesting) facts about yourself.

It's recent, from like 5 minutes ago. :)

1. I love pasta, I think I could eat it everyday.
2. You won't believe this if you have known me a while, but I am actually pretty shy, I don't like being in large groups with a lot of people I don't know.
3. I am terrified of trying things, because I am horribly afraid of success.  
4. I wear my heart of my sleeve.
5. I fully believe that everyone is good, and I am really trusting, but if you lose my trust, you probably won't get it back.
6. I have a really good memory, especially for useless information.
7. I actually really do like Twilight, even though I think the books and movies are dumb, the story is told fairly well, and I have read the books multiple times and own the movies, Eclipse is by far my favorite.
8. I love to sing, and my neighbors probably hate me for that.
9. This lady in my church choir told me I had some of the prettiest voices she's ever heard, and instead of just saying thank you, I wanted to ask her if she needed her hearing checked.
10. I have pretty bad self-esteem.
11. A lot of the time I feel like people only pretend to like me  to my face, but really can't stand me and wish I would disappear.
12. I hate myself for this, but I still love Joshua, and sometimes I do miss him, but I know I am better off without him, and I am a better person than I was 2 years ago now.
13. I really want to be a mother, more than just about anything else.
14. I want a PhD just so I can say I have one, then I could feel like I really accomplished something
15. I've been told that I am too honest, does any of the above collaborate that? I think so.

The Waiting Drove me Mad, or did it?

So this grad school application process is sort of overwhelming, and due to something I had to take care of last fall, I sort of waited to long to get started. I also missed some of the schools' deadlines. So now, I am not so much having doubts about applying in general just the timing of it. It seems to me the most prudent action at the moment is to apply to start fall of 2012, instead of this fall.

Waiting will give me time to retake the GRE and maybe actually have time to study this time. My scores were o. The low end of ok, I don't test well, but I am sure I can do better, I was really sick the whole week before I took the test and wasn't able to study like I should have. Waiting will also give the professors writing my recommendation letters time to complete them and not be rushed. It will also give me time to feel better prepared.

The only big drawbacks I see to waiting are that I'll have to do this job for longer and I'll be another year older when all is said and done.

It seems to me that waiting might be more advantageous to me. I appreciate any feed back anyone wants to offer me.

While I'm Waiting

Patience is not one of my strengths or a virtue that I possess in great quantities.  In fact more than once, my mother has said she should have named me Patience, so I would have some.  Working retail for five years and teaching middle school for four taught me some patience, but I still don't have a lot.  I am a fan of instant gratification, I am not going to lie.  And I of course know, you never pray for patience because God won't just give you patience, he will provide situations where you have to exercise patence.  It is far better to pray for compasson, understanding, or something along those lines.

Since I don't have much patience, I suck at waiting.  And as one of my friends put it, "Waiting on God's time sucks."  I have had a few times, especially in the last three or four years of waiting on God's time.  Which in the long run always provides you with a much better outcome than the one I want right now! Sometimes we have to be properly groomed before we can do things, or the situation needs to be.  It's complicated, you know, "His ways are not our ways," and all that jazz. 

My first big experience of waiting on God's time came when I was finishing my undergraduate degree, here I was getting a degree in theology, with a strong desire to do youth ministry, and no one wanted to hire me, and I only got 2 interviews out of like 10 positions I sent my resume to, hello discouragement.  About those 2 interviews, one of them, my first ever real job interview, was with a search committee.  Here I am, 22, and I walk into a room of 10 people to interview me, it's madness.  Take your normal job interview jitters and multiply that by like 10 million, and there you go, that was my first real job interview.  Needless to say, I did not get that job, which really, is just as well because I realized shortly after that, that I did not want to do youth ministry, I wanted to teach religion, so with no job prospects, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might want to teach at the college level some day, I decided to stay at Walgreens and just go back to school.  So that fall, in 2003, I started the MLA program at UST, and as the second year of that program came closer to its end I realized I was once again in need of a real job or career, so I applied and interviewed with several schools to teach.  Once again, no luck.  This time I interviewed with 4 or 5 principals and one thing was a constant strike against me, I had no teaching experience. 

Frustrated beyond belief, I continued working at Walgreens, and was no longer in school.  It was weird, and I had a lot of free time, so I watched a lot of food network and started cooking a lot, but that my friends, is what we call, another story for another day. 

So here I am, 2 degrees and theology, super gung ho to go out and teach the masses about Jesus and stuff, and no one wants to hire me to do any sort of ministry.  Needless to say I got depressed and discouraged and wondered, "What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?"

So I started thinking about grad school, again.  I did the MLA program at UST to beef up my not so great GPA from undergrad, and I was successful, I graduated with just under a 3.8 (go me), which would have been higher if I didn't take the stupid Proust and Shakespear classes.  Anyway, I needed to beef up my GPA because I had a goal, I wanted and MTS from Notre Dame, but I was pretty sure ND would laugh at my undergrad transcript and that would be that.  So I did the MLA at UST and kicked its ass, more or less.  So fall of 2005 rolls around, and I am still running film, and not doing any sort of school, and bored, and partying a little too hard.  So I buy some GRE prep books because that test terrified me, and I started studying the zillions of vocabulary words in the book, trying to plan a time to take the test, and apply to Notre Dame.

The beginning of November rolls around, and I get a phone call from the CCE coordinator or something like that of the diocese.  She tells me that a friend of my family gave her my name when she asked if he knew anyone looking for a job teaching religion.  I was just in total shock when that phone call came in.  Of course I told her I was interested, and an hour later, the principal called me, and asked when I would be available to meet with him and see the school. I met with him 2 days later, he chatted with me a bit, walked around the campus with me, and I left with a job, I was in shock, happy shock, but shock, nonetheless.  So grad school once again went off my immediate radar, but it was still there lurking in the back of my mind.

After four years of middle school, I realized that while I loved teaching, I didn't like the other stuff you have to deal with as a middle school teacher.  So I left the job, and then went off to find whatever job I could get while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, and now everything seems to be falling into place so that grad school is where it seems my life is headed.

So now, I am working on applications and getting ready to do some waiting to see where I get accepted and where I am supposed to go.

As I wait, I am trying to make this my theme song: "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller