Holy Saturday . . . Peaceful Anxiety, Joyful Disquiet

Holy Saturday . . . the day nothing happened. The day we wait.

I can’t even really imagine what it must have been like that first Holy Saturday, being one of those closest to Jesus, and knowing you just ate this meal with him, where he told you the bread was his body and the wine was his blood. Then he takes you to a garden to pray, where he is arrested, tried, beaten, crucified, and buried . . . and now what? It is hard enough to lose a friend or family member, but what about one in whom you hoped for your salvation? I can’t even imagine the anguish, the despair, the fear that because you were with Christ, one of his close companions they would come after you. I think about St. Peter a lot. He and I have the same disorder, FIMD, Foot-in-mouth disease. Almost every story of Peter in the Gospels is one where he sticks his foot in his mouth, except for one, when Jesus asked the disciple who they say He was, and Peter answers that “You are the Christ.” In turn, Jesus appoint Peter as the leader of the Church. He is the Rock the Foundation, the man who 3 times as the Lord is being tried denies he even knew him. But honestly, I can’t say as a human I blame him. How many times have we denied Christ either by our words or our actions?

This Holy Week as I have participated in the liturgies and reflected on my vocation, I have had a very strong understanding that I nailed Jesus to that cross, that it was my sinfulness that drove the nails through his hands and feet. It struck me on Palm Sunday when during the Gospel I could barely choke out the words “Crucify Him,” because the thought I was the one crucifying him was too strong. And yesterday, as I knelt to embrace the cross, it was with great sorrow for I knew I put him there. As I kissed his foot it was in reparation for the nail I drove through it. I’ve always liked the veneration of the cross, yes it is a symbol of great suffering, but it is a symbol of the greatest expression of love. All love involves and at least the risk of suffering, but this love, the greatest love, was expressed through the greatest suffering, and then, what?

This painting by Thomas Blackshear, "Forgiven" depicts it well.
How Jesus loves us even though we have nailed him to the cross.

Holy Saturday, the day nothing happened, the day Jesus laid in the tomb, the day I am sure the disciples questioned whether they’d placed their faith in a lunatic or a criminal, the day their faith was tested. How many doubted that his words were true, that he would rise again? How often do I doubt it?

I’ve been in Holy Saturday for a while now. I am finishing up my program and I have no idea what happens next I am just waiting, waiting, waiting, much like the disciples locked in the upper room. Because I have faith and hope that I am being lead where I am supposed to go, and a strong willingness to follow, I described my feelings in this waiting as a peaceful anxiety (which I am so glad I have friends I can say something like that to and they get it). Cardinal DiNardo once spoke of a “joyful disquiet” in regards to Lent, and as the old translation of the Mass, during the Lord’s Prayer, the priest would say, “We wait in joyful hope.”

Thursday night at Mass, I sat slightly left of where I normally sit, and as such I notices a statue of Mary on the left side altar, I had not seen. The Mass was bilingual, so after father gave the homily in English, he gave it in Spanish, it was then I noticed Mary, and I was so captivated. I was filled with a desire to be like her, and I asked her to share her bravery with me, and that’s when it started. I wanted to be brave like her to say yes to whatever it is that God is asking of me: Be it done as you have said, I am the handmaid of the Lord. I’ve prayed this many times, but Thursday it was real, a stirring, a longing was built up in me, and I felt weird, and after receiving communion, it intensified. This feeling of a peaceful anxiety, knowing that my yes will lead to good things, but still apprehension about what it means and following through. It was intensified after receiving the Eucharist because while I have always loved Jesus, I have a real sense of being in love with Jesus now. I have given him my heart, my whole self, and it is scary and wonderful all at once. But it doesn’t change that I am waiting to see what is to be resurrected in this choice, just like the Apostles and Jesus’ friends on the first Holy Saturday. There is a stillness an unknowing. 

For Holy Saturday, I think these words from Wayne Kerr's song "Three Days" are appropriate: 

Three days, since we saw you

And three days

Since you’ve been gone

I never thought that I’d see the day

I never dreamed it would end this way

But it’s been 3 days since you were my friend

And 3 days without you

These days how will we begin?

Where do we begin?

Last night I thought that I heard you

And you were teaching

And then I awoke to find

It was just a dream in the night

Could it be that they, they were all right?

You want me to do what? (or, Falling in love with Jesus)

It's Holy Thursday, this evening begins the solemn 3 day celebration of the Church of the Paschal Mystery of Christ, which is the mystery of how Christ won for us our Salvation and opened heaven to us so we may live eternally with Him and Our Father. 

These 3 days, the Triduum, are easily my favorite of the year. There is such a rich meaning, history, symbolism, and remembrance in the Liturgy of these 3 days, which is one liturgy in 3 parts. Tonight this epic time of worship begins, much as what it commemorates began 2000 years ago, with the celebration of the Last Supper, where Jesus gave us first and forever a real sharing in his life and divinity through the Eucharist. 

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and giving it to his disciples said, “Take and eat; this is my body." Then he took a cup, gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you, for this is my blood of the covenant, which will be shed on behalf of many for the forgiveness of sins. (Matthew 26: 26-28)

Jesus does not tell us that this is a symbol of his body and blood, and that every once in while we should eat crackers and drink grape juice at our church service and feel good about ourselves. Instead, every Mass, and especially tonight's Mass is a real remembrance, in the ancient sense of the word, to make present again, of Christ's sacrifice for you and for me, of his passion, death, and resurrections, the mystery of such great love and suffering. It is difficult to wrap your head around. The first time I really realized what the true presence was, it sort of tripped me up. I was in 11th grade, in Confirmation class despite having already been Confirmed.[1] That evening we were discussing the Eucharist, and when they said this is the body and blood of Christ, the true presence, it gave me pause. I never until that point understood that, and today it makes me wonder how many on my fellow Catholics understand that. I now try to make myself consciously aware of the true presence every time I participate in the sacrament. That this, is the Source and Summit of our Faith, the beginning and the end, it is about Jesus!

While Matthew, Mark, Luke, and the Epistles of St. Paul speak of the Last Supper and the Institution of the Eucharist similarly, the Gospel of John provides a different account of Jesus’ Last Supper with His Apostles. John tells us of how Jesus took a towel and basin and bent to wash the feet of His Apostles. In the ancient Middle East, it was common practice that when one person came into another’s home the servants would wash their feet. This makes perfect sense when you consider people walked everywhere in a desert environment in sandals, their feet would be dirty. This was also a mark of hospitality. We spoke at length about hospitality and from a virtue ethics perspective, exactly what Jesus had done.

So when he had washed their feet [and] put his garments back on and reclined at table again, he said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you? You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am. If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet. I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do. (John 13: 12-15)

This is a mark of true hospitality and truly living Jesus’ call to discipleship. In one of his first tweets, Pope Francis remarked, “True power is service.” The story of the foot washing expresses this so beautifully. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend (John 15: 13).

Considering hospitality, how welcoming can one truly be of a stranger without love? One of the greatest examples of hospitality in John’s Gospel is the washing of the feet in John 13: 1-20. Many view this story of Jesus washing the Apostles’ feet only as a story of servant love, but there is more to the story than just servant love. Viewing this story only as an example of servant love downplays the actual event in the story, foot washing. During the time that Jesus lived, it was common practice for slaves to wash the feet of guests when they arrived as a display of welcome and hospitality. Foot washing was not a task that a master or teacher would usually perform for his students.       

Jesus’ act of washing his disciples’ feet has a deep significance for the ethical teachings of the Gospel of John. It is about more than just cleansing. Foot washing has an effect on redemption and following the example. As Jesus is washing the disciples’ feet, when he comes to Peter, Peter protests having Jesus wash his feet as he thinks it is inappropriate for Jesus to perform this act, but Jesus replies “If I do not wash you, you can have no share with me” (13:8). That is, without having their feet washed by Jesus, the disciples cannot remain Jesus’ disciples or receive eternal life from him. To which, of course, Peter responds that Jesus should wash his head and hands as well, but Jesus responds, “No one who has had a bath needs washing, such a person is clean all over” (13:10). This bath Jesus speaks of refers to Baptism, through which believers are cleansed, but the foot washing, and washing the feet of others, is a way to enter into the Hour of Jesus, through service to one another. This exchange between Jesus and Peter is about whether or not Peter can accept salvation or eternal life on the grounds on which it is given, and of course, true to form for Peter goes to extremes by asking Jesus to give him a bath.

           

The meaning of the washing of the feet is expressed when Jesus explains how it is an example for the disciples to follow. Jesus asks the disciples, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Master and Lord, and rightly; so I am. If I, then, the Lord and Master, have washed your feet, you must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example so that you may copy what I have done to you” (13:13-15). The washing of feet is about the disciples entering into something, being welcomed by Jesus.  It is not just about servant love. Here Jesus is telling the disciples that the way they love someone has everything to do with the way that they welcome them. Jesus urges the disciples with this example to welcome others the way he has welcomed them. The meaning of the foot washing is about an important characteristic of the Johannine community. The community is to be welcoming, to practice hospitality, for the Johannine community; hospitality is part of the meaning of community.  (Excerpt from my paper for John and Virtue Ethics, Feb. 26, 2013)

This is what I had in mind with the title of this post, I truly believe Jesus is calling me to love Him in a new and profound way, and it is making demands on me to be served and to serve in ways I am not sure I am quite comfortable with. Although, that is the call to discipleship to move away from your comfort zone, to greet and kiss the leper on your way to San Damiano, as the story about St Francis goes. As I discern my vocation and I am seeking whether or not I am being called to enter religious life, I question just what is it that Jesus is calling me to? What is He asking me to enter into? How does He want me to love Him? Ultimately that is what it is all about. Jesus loves us and we must in turn love Him, and those He loves.

It is about a call to be authentic. To truly live out Jesus’ call to discipleship to make an authentic claim on us, and realize, that yes, true “power” is love and service of others.

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[1] Yes, I am a cradle Catholic, but due to some oversight of well-meaning people myself and a few others were allowed to receive the Sacraments of Initiation we had not received at the Easter Vigil, when the families we acted as Sponsor families for received their sacraments the first time my parish did RCIA for families, which is also why the Parish I was baptized in had no record I had been confirmed.

Thank You . . .

Five years ago today, I was 9 days out of leaving a job I hoped would be a career, trying to pick up the pieces, heal, and enjoy a slightly too chilly day at Galveston, as salt water, sand, sun and surf heal the soul in unimaginable ways.

I went into my car to check the time on my phone because I had plans to see Matt Maher that evening with friends and my husband, when I saw a I had a voice-mail from him. The message said to call him back he had bad new . . . understatement of a life time . . . bad news like dropping the A-bomb only caused slight damage.

But, I am getting ahead of myself, I had prepared myself as I was calling him back to hear that his draw at work had been reduced and that money would be tighter than it already was, but what he said, I never even imagined. That the strain would be tighter and things might get worse.

His bad news, which was bad news only for me . . . That he and his mother were moving him out of our apartment, that it was over, done, finito . . . and my heart, torn out, smashed, broken. I cried. I screamed. I bargained. I lost. I was willing to do whatever, marriage is forever, there is no "way out," if it isn't working you fix it, you don't throw it out. I tried my hardest to repair it, but there is no reconciliation without conversation, not even that, without talking, no words . . .

It's been quite a journey, this five year long trip, to where today I woke up and felt hopeful and free, and I've realized the tremendous favor that he did for me. He gave me my life back, we were on the wrong course. I've been growing into who I was meant to be, but with him, for this, I was not free. I have stumbled quite a bit, and stepped off the path, through sin, self-doubt, and crippling fear.

But I am learning and I am growing, realizing that if I can just allow myself to be loved, loved by God, and let that love take effect it will all be as it should be. So I am thankful, he gave me my life back, it may not be what I had planned, but it is mine, and the one that was intended and I am grateful.

And this is an Easter song, and sounds better when Mary sings it, but it is the song of my heart right now. Even if it is a few days early . . .

I choose to live this life You give
for You alone!
I choose to live for you alone,
to make Your cross my only glory and
Your grace my only hope;
to yield my will, I choose to make my heart Your throne!